Wanting a mother who loves and cares for you is something we all wish we had. Unfortunately for some (probably more people than you think), it’s never going to be possible.

Not because they lost their mom, but because she is a living, breathing narcissist.

It feels like the same thing though, right? Accepting she is a narcissist is tough, but realizing that certain things won’t change when you do is even worse.

Here are 9 things that won’t change when you finally admit you’ve got a toxic mom.

#1 Her behavior toward you

When you wake up to the fact that you have a narcissistic mother, it can create so much inner conflict for you.

All this time you were dealing with somebody so toxic, but really you had no idea what it all meant, and why.

Once you accept the truth, there might be a part of you that thinks, “This is where she can change and see the error of her ways.”

Don’t do it to yourself. You’re just setting out to punish yourself further. 

Her behavior toward you will remain the same until the day she dies, in fact, the older they get, the worse they can become.

Knowing who she really is won’t cause any shift in her treatment of you, or how she makes you feel. 

Knowing is nothing more than awareness.

#2 Your need to grieve

When we think of grief, we assume to be talking about a person who has passed away, but that’s not the case, and it’s not talked about often enough.

Grief can also be reserved for the living, especially when you no longer have a relationship with somebody, or if you don’t have the relationship you’d hoped for. 

Accepting that your mom is a narcissist will feel like waves washing over you.

Some days will be harder to stay afloat than others, but ultimately, it’s also about accepting what will never be.

You’ll never have the connection you want. You won’t be able to go to her for advice unless you want to make it all about her.

You will never be able to trust her. Grieving what you never had while that person is still alive is so tough to navigate.

#3 Your struggle with self-doubt and guilt

You want that magic wand to wave over you and make everything better now you know the truth, but benefiting from knowing it changes nothing instantly.

Grappling with self-doubt and guilt were ways your narcissistic mom got you under control and manipulated you over the years.

Undoing that is never an overnight task, and it will be something you always second guess.

It’s not impossible to overcome, but reverting to the guilt emotion will be much easier for those who come from narcissistic households than those who do not. 

Just because you now are fully aware of her character, doesn’t mean you will be free from everything she’s put you through. 

#4 Your family not believing you

So you see and accept her for who she truly is, but your family is not on your journey. They sit with their own levels of consciousness and awareness, and that can hit hard. 

You want people to see your mom from your own eyes, but unfortunately narcissists are renowned for treating everybody differently.

You may have a sibling who was treated as the golden child and will never be able to empathize with you and your own experiences of your mom.

Having them not believe you is something you should learn to accept and live with.

Don’t try to change the perception of others. And who knows, maybe they do know but aren’t ready to accept it themselves. 

You can only hope that someday, they will.

#5 You might still crave her approval

Approval is something you will have always craved from your narcissistic mom, whether you’d like to admit it or not.

We all want to know we’re doing a good job, or that we are making good choices.

When you get nothing from that very person who birthed you, you can spend your life still trying to get it. 

I want you to know that this is a normal part of discovering your mom is narcissistic.

Not everything will change for you overnight, and that habit of wanting her to be happy for you will remain in existence. 

In time, it can fade. When you learn to live how you want, without needing her nod of approval, that’s when you’re truly winning. 

And let’s be honest. Did you ever really get that nod of approval?

I don’t think you did. 

#6 She won’t suddenly acknowledge this truth

As hard as it is for you to get your head around, it’s also difficult for your mom to see that you’ve come to this new level of enlightenment.

You’ve grown up just going along with her treatment of you because you didn’t know any better, and now here you are having to accept that it was all so dysfunctional.

You were led into that fray blindly, and now you have to face the truth.

Does your mom? Probably not. Although she will understand that this is what you think of her, and I think in this instance, what you think is enough. 

#7 Your boundaries

Boundaries are incredibly hard to maintain when you have a narcissist around you, let alone a narcissistic mom.

This is the one person who feels they own you and have a right to you just because they carried you and grew you into a human for 9 months. 

I don’t think that should be taken lightly, do you? Accepting she is a narcissist won;t suddenly make your boundaries change, you have to do that work yourself.

I firmly believe this is possible, even before you come to that realization.

Nobody promises your mom will like it, but that’s just a tough part of life she has to suck up, isn’t it?

#8 Your triggers

Your triggers weren’t always there, and there’s every chance the one person who caused them is the person who this topic is about!

With that being said, what choice do you have now? Acceptance alone won’t wash your life of what pains you or keeps you on high alert, but with the right help, support and information, you can overcome huge portions of the pain you experience. 

I want you to know how possible this is, and I don’t say that lightly. 

Your triggers do not have to become a permanent part of your identity. 

#9 Your healing

Narcissism is what it is, with or without the label. With the label will really help you see clearly. Without it can still mean you heal. 

Your healing isn’t determined by how much you accept your mom is a narcissist.

You can go on that journey as you see fit, and I really hope that you do because without healing, you are forever stuck in the dynamic and feeling that you’re not good enough. 

If you can see this opportunity as a chance for you to be who you really want to be, then I firmly believe you can stand confidently in yourself enough to feel proud.

What Do Narcissists Fear the Most?

The 20 Biggest Fears Of Narcissists

They don’t look like they fear anything, do they?

Narcissists really do walk around acting as if they are perfect. If you were to ask them what they’re scared of, they’d laugh in your face and tell you to move out of their way.

Well, I’m here to tell you the truth.

Narcissists are petrified of more than you have ever known…

…Until now.

Here, I unlock the 20 biggest fears of narcissists, so you don’t need to embarrass them by asking them what they’re scared of ever again.

When The Narcissist Can’t Sleep At Night

Tick, tock, tick, tock,

3am?!

What’s keeping the narcissist up at night?

It’s likely to be thinking about their fears, as believe it or not, they cross their minds from time to time. 

Those fears remain buried under the guise of the charmer – the person everybody sees when they initially speak to the narcissist. 

Well, I’ve got my shovel, and I am about to dig each fear up.

#1 It’s Expose Time! 

Imagine the look of terror on the narcissist’s face when you expose them. It’ll be brief, sure. If you blink, you miss it.

Because soon enough – that fear will convert into rage – an emotion you’re probably much more familiar with when you think about the narcissist in your life. 

Before that rage, that fear will be evident. The idea of you telling everybody the true character of the narcissist fills them with an impalpable dread. 

It all starts to crumble.

They’ve nowhere to hide, and they cannot fool everybody anymore. At least some people will believe you, and that’s all you’d need to expose them fully. 

So yes – it keeps the narcissist up at night to think you could do such a thing, knowing as soon you do so, their power diminishes. 

#2 Control: Officially Lost

Get ready for the narcissist’s foundation to shake, rattle and roll.

Losing control is last on their list of ideals, but it’s a stark possibility when the victim turns to victor.

Seeing through the narcissism to a person who, underneath it all, is just a small-minded, afraid nobody, makes them more worried than you could imagine. 

If that control goes – what do they have?!

#3 The Truth is Feared

What is the truth?

We all know, don’t we?

We’re dealing with a person, or several people if you’re really unlucky, who aren’t who they say they are.

There is a truth behind the lies, and behind that is the ongoing fear from the narcissist that their lies will be exposed. 

Believe me when I say that the narcissist will do what it takes to silence their victims, but that doesn’t mean the truth will never prevail.

#4 The Ordinary 

Ordinary means what to you? For me, it’s just an average day, with nothing standing out. No one big moment.

Narcissists hate not standing out. They always want to be the center of attention, and if they’re seen as normal, or ordinary, that will be the biggest threat – and fear – to their grandiose personality. 

#5 Being Alone

Imagine having nobody to manipulate. When they need to suck the life out of another – there’s not a soul available. 

Narcissists need people around not just to do this with, but also, those people are needed to influence. 

The absence of others is the absence of validation and supply, and without a push from others for attention, the narcissist won’t fully know how to function.

They fear being alone for that very reason.

#6 Bye Bye, Attention

Invisibility is the true enemy of the narcissist. They need to be the honey, while the bees buzz around them constantly.

Without that noise, there is silence.

And in silence, there will be zero attention.

#7 Others… Happy… Really?

No single soul on the planet has the right to be happy (according to the narcissist). If you’re so happy, what could you possibly be so happy about? 

How dare you!

Your smile is enough to have it wiped right off your face, and the narcissist is going to love doing so.

Passing judgment. Criticizing you. Bringing you down. Triggering you. Disappointing you. Giving you the silent treatment and yelling at you. Whatever it takes. Why? 

Simple! They fear that your happiness will create this brand new version of you that will tolerate the narcissist just that little bit less. 

#8 How Victims Self-Love

Listen, if you’re loving yourself, then you are loving the narcissist less. It’s great for you – and that’s exactly why it isn’t good for them. 

The fear that comes from you loving yourself is that you will decide you’re too good for them – and leave. 

#9 Financial Independence

You’ve got your money sorted, you earn a large buck or two, and there’s nothing they can do about it.

Seeing you take care of your finances so well, there’s little to no chance of them taking it all away from you – leaving you dependent on them. 

Big fear!

#10 “So What?”

Ah, so you’re indifferent, are you?

That’s a big ache in the gut for the narcissist, who thrives on your reactions. If you don’t have any ones to give, consider yourself immune to the narcissist…

…New narcissist fear unlocked!

#11 Brave Enough To Be Accountable

Accountability is a huge fear of the narcissist, who usually ensures that what they’re doing will never be found out.

They don’t want to own up to any wrongdoing – so you can safely tick this as a huge fear of theirs. 

#12 Losing to Legality

If you want to really send shivers down the narcissist’s spine – threaten them with legal action.

It’s the epitome of doing wrong for all to see as well – which only adds to their nightmare!

#13 New Victims: Gone

Just when they thought they had a good victim in you – you up and leave.

Their plans turn to dust, and they become vulnerable all over again, with no supply!

#14 Strong? Good!

Your strength kills narcissists. It acts as such a strong repellent that you would be hard pushed to see any narcissist stick around.

They’re scared of you! What narcissist wants to admit that they’re scared of somebody?!

#15 Being Alone

You can forgive babies for not wanting to be alone – but grown adults? This isn’t about normal loneliness that can really affect people – this is the fear of having no life to suck out of anybody. 

#16 Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Don’t look into it if you’re a narcissist, because we all know – including you – that you are not the fairest of them all!

The biggest fear of a narcissist is doing so, and seeing that ugliness stare back at them. 

#17 “No Thanks, Bye”

Rejection.

Ouch.

A narcissist experienced enough of this as a child, and it is a huge trigger for them; a reminder that they aren’t good enough for somebody. 

#18 Criticism

What do you mean they aren’t perfect?

You cannot tell a narcissist that they have faults! That’s their job to make you feel shitty – not the other way around!

#19 Partners In The Know

Knowing who the narcissist really is means the power shifts from them, to you. 

What does that mean for you? Well, you’re likely to be a person who wants to do bad with their power, but it does mean you no longer get played by them.

They fear this – they fear you having an education in narcissism. You have the power to expose and all them out.

A powerless narcissist is not a happy narcissist. 

#20 Getting Over: Moving On

If you’ve gotten over a narcissist and moved on – you’ve done what they thought you’d never do.

Always expecting you to be around to use and abuse, you’ve finally made your way out of it.

While that’s a moment for real pride, it’s a moment of fear for them.

What do they do now?