It’s not fun at all, is it? I’m talking, of course, about having to endure narcissistic rage.
Where you think everything is calm and fine, until the narcissist decides to explode the atmosphere with their poison, releasing anger into the air, making it difficult for you to breathe.
You want an apology after their childish outburst, but instead, the narcissist will do these things.
Each one is riddled with ways that only serve to make you feel worse than you did before, rather than better.
You deserve more.
1 When you see a narcissist raging
I won’t lie, it’s not pretty. I don’t know if you, too, can attest to the visuals of a narcissistic rage, but let’s talk about what it looks like.
First, there’s the dragon-style breathing, where the only difference here is that there’s no actual smoke coming from their nose.
They still breathe heavily, huffing, puffing, panting their way through their latest bad mood or outburst.
Then, you’ll hear the noise. They shout, they don’t stop, in fact. They yell about the injustices they’ve faced, and how unfair life is.
They yell about not being treated fairly or to a high enough standard. They yell at you yet again, for not doing something right.
Then there’s the banging of doors. The slamming of cupboards. They don’t just place a cup down on the kitchen side, they have to slam it to the point where you are surprised it hasn’t shattered in their hands.
You watch on, bewildered that a grown person is so deregulated that they can’t even get a handle on their emotions enough to have a proper conversation with you, or at least admit that they aren’t in a good mood.
Everything is ‘your fault,’ and they are only acting that way because that’s ‘what you made them do.’
When you see a narcissist raging, you know that it’s going to end with them stomping off sulking, and you nursing the world’s worst headache.
And as for an apology? You can forget it!
2 What happens after they rage
The whole house can feel heavy and thick with toxicity after a narcissistic rage. The narcissist has said what they want to say, and they’ve gone off into a room by themselves to get over the latest episode.
I think this is a point a lot of victims underestimate, because it’s that limbo in between their rage, and when they will ultimately be fine again (you know, because they switch their moods so quickly and all that).
What do you do? What do you feel like it’s your job to deal with during this time?
Well, for starters, it isn’t your job to do anything. This should be where the narcissist comes in and apologizes for how they spoke to you, and how they acted toward you.
Aiming their rage at you really solves nothing, but in that moment they do it to show you an intimidating side of them. The side that says, “I am in charge here, and my moods dictate the entire house’s mood, including yours.”
It’s not fair to have to experience it, but as that dust settles, you’re left picking up your own pieces.
After all, it affected you. You had to be the receiver of that noise, of the banging, of the yelling, and of the words that they chose to use.
After the rage, it’s common for victims to feel incredibly low. Is this really your life? Will it be this way forever, just a rinse and repeat of the day before?
Sadly, yes.
3 Why no apology?
Narcissism doesn’t leave any room for apologies. An apology has to come from the idea or belief that you’ve made a mistake. A person does this only after they’ve had the time and space to reflect on what that really looks like.
A narcissistic personality is usually far too messy to untangle their wrongdoings, choosing to focus more on deflecting what they’ve done, projecting it all onto other people instead.
It’s easy then, isn’t it? Take raging for example. You stand there and have to take in this dysregulation, and once they finally stop, you turn to them and ask them to say sorry for it. You get a look back from them, one that is accompanied by a scoff.
Apologize? What for? It should be you apologizing to me for making me shout.
What have I done wrong? Why are you expecting me to come to you and say sorry? How dare you assume I’ve done anything wrong!
You’ll get nothing, in fact, you’ll probably be the one who says you’re sorry for even suggesting the narcissist even thinks about what they did.
4 Instead, you’ll see the following…
Silence. Slamming drawers. You sit down and try to read what kind of mood they’re in. You wait before you do anything else, because you don’t want to ignite the beast again.
This is a great game for the narcissist to play. They will see how you are presenting, and make a meal out of it.
The slamming might last longer than you’d hope, or the huffing and puffing can lead into the next day, causing you to not get a lot of sleep as you worry about what the atmosphere will be like when you wake up.
Then comes the eventual lines that will ruin you:
Are we going to get along today? Are we feeling better than we were yesterday? Shall we try to clear the air a little bit and see if we can get along?
As you weigh up what they’re actually saying, I want to ask you to dig a little deeper than perhaps you would normally. What is the narcissist really trying to say?
I raged yesterday, and you witnessed it all. Instead of saying I’m sorry, I want to drag you into my bad behavior and ask you to take a little accountability for what happened, because it’s easier to do that than admit fault.
One fundamental difference between you and the narcissist is that if you make a mistake, you admit to it.
You even admit to things that you don’t do because you want peace, not drama! Like I said, it’s a difference, which means you won’t get that from them no matter how long you wait and how much you hope.
After the rage, the narcissist will storm off into their own little world, leaving plenty of room for you to fester in the anxiety they’ve stoked within you.
Knowing they can and do this is what gives them so much power, but let’s make no mistake, it’s going to eventually cause you to break at some point.
When you see yourself as not even being worthy of an apology, the narcissist will treat you more and more like that every day.
Standards this low are sadly what a victim has to tolerate throughout their entire time with a narcissist, and that’s how they view themselves until something drastically changes.
Hopefully after this, your standards have somewhat improved, even just slightly.
I know then, I’m doing my job properly.
