When you have a toxic grandparent in your life, the chances are you are looking at a narcissistic parent that is still in the picture.
You want your kids to have a more normal upbringing than you had, but it’s hard when all they want to do is push you away from the family dynamic and replace you with them.
These 9 ways toxic grandparents try to replace you as the ‘real’ parent will send shivers down your spine.
#1 Undermining you at every chance
Your mom is just so strict! If you’re with me, I’ll let you have extra chocolate.
Well, that’s not how we raised you, and you turned out fine.
You can tell your gramps, I won’t tell a soul.
Or there’s the worse kind, the kind where you are in the room and they pass a message onto your kid to tell you:
Well, you can tell your mom that I am the best grandma in the world and what you want, I will give you.
It’s enough to make you want to tear your hair out, as you come to the correct conclusion that they’re trying to replace you as some kind of tangible parent.
#2 Teaching your child that you are too boring
Mom is no fun, is she?
Let’s boo boring Dad together, one, two, three… booo!
Stick with me, kid, and we will have much more fun.
Excuse me, but what right has any other person than you got to dictate to your kid what fun is, or is not?
And how dare they put you in the line of blame, knowing full well your kid at the time will side with them and choose fun over rules.
What a toxic tightrope to walk, yet these kinds of grandparents love to walk it with ease and confidence.
#3 Attempting to show that your approach is strict, and they aren’t
Why won’t you let them just play for another hour?
Why does all homework have to be done before they’re allowed an ounce of fun?
You have to let them go a little bit, otherwise they will resent you.
No, no, and no. This is your house, your family, and your rules.
You know the mistakes your toxic parents made with you, and you’re trying hard to rectify them day by day, bit by bit.
The problem is, with every good step you think you’re making, you’re met with resistance by your toxic mom or dad (or worse, both!)
You do not need a lecture from them, not now, not ever.
#4 Throwing money at everything you can’t
It’s okay, I’ve got this.
What my grandchild wants, my grandchild gets!
It’s on me.
I know you can’t afford it right now, so let me take care of it.
You know there will be strings attached, and you know this is just another crass attempt for your parent to look like the better person.
It’s as if you are incapable of looking after your own kid, just because your money doesn’t quite stretch to what they want at that given moment.
There’s no worse feeling than that of not being able to take care of your kids, and it’s actually quite a big trigger as a child of a narcissist trying to heal and grow a family that is loved using time and care, not money.
#5 Making it seem as though you’re still dependent
You are working so much, why don’t you let me take care of them on the weekend?
I can do school pick ups, it’s not a problem.
You need me to help you, you can’t do this alone.
It’s too much for one person.
There’s no shame in asking for help when you need it, which you clearly do.
Again, what is happening here? There are boundaries being completely overstepped, and you are left wondering who the actual parent in all of this is?
It’s like you’re being told in no uncertain terms that you are just not good enough to run this ship.
You are. It’s in these moments that the belief is totally challenged, leaving you feeling like you just aren’t up to the task.
#6 Quality time with your kids – while you work
I know you want to work as much as you can to keep the bills paid.
Leave it with me, I can take care of them.
They love grandma.grandpa time, don’t you kids?
That time creeps up and up, and it’s time that you lose to your work when in fact, it’s more like you’ve been pushed to work more and more so that your toxic parents end up with all that quality time – time you’ll never get back.
Suddenly, you missed their first words, first step, first laugh, first this or that.
It’s a double-edged sword, I’m afraid, and one you must admit exists.
#7 The convenient shoulder to cry on
What happened?
Come and tell grandma all about it.
Let’s make your favorite hot chocolate, and you can tell me everything.
I am always here for you.
I don’t have anything else going on now, and I know your parents are busy, so just call me when you need me.
It’s enough to make you want to explode, right? I totally understand. It’s as if the toxic grandparent wants to bypass you completely, and become alpha-parent.
This is where you need to stand your ground and dominate your role and presence in your kids’ lives.
I know times have changed, and parents need to work more now than ever, but that shouldn’t be where you erase all those opportunities to connect with your kids.
Use your toxic parent as fuel, rather than react to their shoulder to cry on.
#8 Showing up at important events
I’ll be there, front and center!
Mom couldn’t get off work, but I will be there to replace her.
I can’t wait, and it will be my pleasure to take you for dinner after you graduate.
I’m not saying grandparents shouldn’t be there when it matters, but to take over the entire situation and make it about them and their relationship with your kid is wholly inappropriate, and should be called out at the earliest stage.
It doesn’t need to be a big deal, but it needs to be a deal of some sort.
#9 “Take my advice…”
Great, so now your toxic parent is dishing out advice like it’s on sale.
If you had any sense, you’d see that their advice is poison, just like you recall it as a kid.
It serves no purpose other than further dividing you and your kids, so you have to ensure that there is a time, place and suitability for any words given out.
If lines are crossed, it’s down to you as the parent to put a stop to it and remember your role in this dynamic.
You aren’t a child any more, and the people who are, need you to advocate for them.
