There was probably a time in your life where you were at your most authentic. You were young, and you felt that joy that life has to offer.
There was also likely a moment that started to be taken from you.
Bit by bit, and ever-so-quietly, your self-worth was replaced by a total loss of identity and the feeling that you don’t even know how you got there.
I can tell you.
You had a narcissistic parent. Here are 9 ways they quietly steal that self-worth.
#1 Constant criticism
Negative comments about you rarely stopped falling out of their mouth, and when they did, all you did was wait for the next time you did something wrong.
Over time, that’s got to cut your confidence and self-worth like a hot knife to butter. You may as well give up altogether, right?
That’s how it feels when you can’t put one foot in front of the other without something not being right in the eyes of your narcissistic parent.
And they may think up some crazy reason as to why they’re criticizing you. It’s for your own good or that you need to live in the real world.
But we all know, it’s unnecessary, damaging, and it carries with it a lot of emotional scars for you.
#2 Sprinkles of mockery
I can’t believe you actually like this music.
I saw you dancing this morning. You looked like you were being chased by a wasp!
It seems fitting that I’ve walked in on you watching a show that’s probably eight years too young for you.
Comments that are sprinkled throughout your childhood are common for children of narcissistic parents to have to tolerate receiving.
They’re spoken with purpose and intent – both to bring you misery and make you feel just that little less good about yourself and whatever it is that you’re doing.
We are at our most organically curious state when we’re kids.
We want to explore the world without judgment, but when that judgment comes from within, it can alter how we feel about what we love.
Mockery is a main ingredient to that alteration, and narcissistic parents are responsible for that.
#3 “Tone it down”
Getting too excited or happy? Don’t worry. There’s always a narcissistic parent lurking close by to tell you to put a lid on it all.
Eventually, that leads to kids growing up never really knowing how to express their emotions.
They don’t feel worthy enough to be happy, or to bounce around with so much excitement that you feel like you’re going to burst.
The happiness and the good of life becomes the ‘just keep control of these silly feelings’ moments; and that’s a really sad way to live.
It walks hand in hand with destroying your self-worth because it teaches you to never feel like you deserve that level of emotion.
You do. We all do.
#4 “Really… you?”
Kids love to try new things, but when your new thing is deemed a little too much for your narcissistic parent to think you can handle, they will make their feelings known to you.
It may not be direct, but it will give you the impression that you’re reaching above your station.
Want to try a new club? They will raise an eyebrow and tell you that it’s hard work.
You won’t last five minutes doing that.
Do you realize lazybones like you will have to actually get up and do something?
Kids don’t slot these pieces together usually until much later in life, but let me tell you, at the time of speaking these phrases, you will feel like a deflated balloon.
#5 Withholding praise
Where praise is due and necessary, narcissist parents lack any form of offering.
This isn’t just a one time snub, this is years and years of not recognizing the achievements of your child, day after after, time and time again.
Each time you do this to a child, you take away a little of their joy, and a lot of the reasons why they have the drive to achieve.
Sooner or later, you create a person who doesn’t know how to celebrate themselves, or have any pride in their lives.
Moreso, you chip away at their self-worth until there’s pretty much nothing left.
Kids love to know they’re doing a good job, and if they are, they should be told, it’s really not that difficult…
…Unless you’re a narcissist and unable to give the slightest bit of attention to anybody but yourself.
#6 Comparing them to others
You should be more like Craig, he knows exactly how to behave.
It’s not a bad result, but your sister did score higher because she obviously worked harder than you.
Why can’t you be more like your brother? He is so good at sports.
When a person refuses to accept that everybody in it is different, they refuse to acknowledge you as a person.
You’re brilliant, and you have so many good qualities. So why were you constantly compared with others as a child?
Because your narcissistic parent wanted you to always feel as though you were never good enough.
It’s destructive of identity and self-worth, and leaves you feeling like you never measure up.
So you try and try harder to be seen only to keep failing. It’s quiet and subtle, but it happens all the time in families of narcissists.
#7 Invalidating feelings or experiences
It’s our job as parents to listen to our kids when they need us, and help them understand their emotions.
If we can do that, their experiences are far more likely to feel manageable.
Narcissism doesn’t promote expression, it promotes suppression, and that derives from invalidation starting at an early age.
As that child grows, they learn to ignore what’s going on inside and to try to paint over really big, sometimes important things.
That’s enough to destroy anybody’s self-worth over a long period of time.
#8 Never showing up when it matters
What might seem like a small thing to them, is a big thing for you. Those parents’ evenings, or that school play.
In older life that becomes when you get big news like a job offer, or a promotion you want to celebrate.
It starts young, and it is consistent with narcissistic behavior. If it isn’t about them, they don’t want to know.
That hurts as a child, and kids of narcissistic parents never really get over that.
If you can’t show up for your kids, expect them to feel like they aren’t even worth an hour of your time.
That adds heavy weight to their general feeling of worthlessness.
#9 Inconsistent displays of affection
One minute they love you and are showering you with gifts and applause, the next they won’t even say hi to you if you’re in the same room as them.
The affects this has on kids is one of never really being able to anticipate you as a parent, your moods, and in turn what you even feel or think about them.
Narcissists blow hot and cold and that even extends to treating their own kids the same way. Over time, changes to self-worth are inevitable, and hard to shake.
