Moms are meant to raise their daughters to be strong, capable women.
In an ideal world, all little girls would feel safe, looking up to their mom as a source of inspiration. The bond would be unbreakable.
Not every little girl is that lucky.
And it shouldn’t be a game of luck, should it? Narcissistic mothers damage their daughters, and here are 9 things they do to ensure that happens.
#1 She made everything about her
When an adult feels the need to constantly overshadow her daughter with her own dramas, chaos and conflict, you know something is really wrong somewhere.
Unfortunately for narcissists, having kids means you don’t always come first.
The priority is the love you give to your kids when they need it, and any daughter will need their mom countless times as a baby, child, teenager and even adult.
As a child, daughters need the time and energy to help support them and encourage them to emotionally grow and understand their feelings and the world around them.
If your mom made everything about her, you would have constantly ended up living in that shadow, feeling unimportant and neglected.
#2 She invalidated your feelings
Mom, I don’t like school.
“Well that’s tough. Every kid has to go to school. Get on with it.”
Mom, I feel sad that my friend is moving away.
“You know what? Friends come and go anyway. There’s no point dwelling on it. Make another friend. You’ll be fine.”
Mom, I am so proud of my latest exam results.
“It’s just one exam, and you didn’t even get 100%. Let’s see if you can beat your score next time. Then we can start rolling out the red carpet.”
It didn’t matter how you felt, your mom always found a way to challenge it.
That must have been so difficult for those daughters out there with narcissistic mothers.
You just wanted to know that what you were feeling was right in that moment, and maybe talk about coping strategies. Instead, you learned to swallow your feelings and learn they don’t matter.
#3 She used guilt as a form of manipulation and control
You think you’re so clever, don’t you? I didn’t have half the opportunities you have. You should count yourself lucky.
Why are you wanting to go out with your friends tonight? Don’t you want to stay in and watch a movie with your mom? She won’t be around forever, you know.
These statements are enough to make any daughter feel bad for trying to live her life, yet they’re sadly so common when it comes to narcissistic mothers.
I say yes, you’re clever. And yes, go out with your friends.
Otherwise you will live to serve others and forget to look after yourself and your own wants and needs.
#4 She never cheered you on
You wanted her in the bleachers, but she remained at home.
You wanted her smile and fist bump when something good happened to you, but instead she competed with you to try to outdo you in some way.
It was never about congratulating you, it was how she only showed up in her jealous rage.
How dare you try to be more successful than her? How dare you try to do something good with your life?
#5 She never apologized
Having a mother that wasn’t accountable would have really hurt and dug that emotional knife in.
Having a parent that knows when they’ve made a mistake and owns up to it is more valuable than you could possibly imagine.
I know that we all have the ability to be snappy if under stress, and saying sorry means you are not only respecting how hurt the other person must be feeling, but also you’re reflecting on a moment that you did not act well or good in.
Imagine having a mom who couldn’t be that person for you, and who never allowed you any time to just feel like you even deserve that kind of treatment.
A mom with no remorse equals a mom with no conscience.
#6 She parentified you
On one hand you were neglected, meaning you were not parented the way you should have been.
You learn to cope over the years and look after yourself instead. Then comes the times your own mom used you as her emotional support system.
There’s every chance she would have cried on your shoulder, asked you for advice, or told you all her problems.
You were expected to listen, help and regulate her emotions, even though you had nobody to do the same for you when you needed that.
This is hard for all daughters, who grow up to feel their only purpose is to help other people and neglect herself in the process.
As a child, you didn’t deserve that. As an adult, you still don’t.
#7 She brought chaos into your life
Home never felt like home to you if you had a narcissistic mother.
It should be the place you can go home and breathe in, but it only ended up feeling like you were lost at a train station, with nobody around to ask for directions.
New boyfriends may have come and gone, and friends perhaps came over making late night noise when all you wanted to do was feel safe, curl up and go to sleep.
You were left alone at times to fend for yourself, but in a way that actually felt nice.
At least nobody could cut the atmosphere like a knife. However, it meant you were walking on eggshells waiting for her inevitable, dramatic return.
#8 She gaslit you
You weren’t allowed your own thoughts and feelings. Your opinions were thrown out of the window and replaced with hers.
Every time you tried to tell her how you feel, you were told you were too sensitive, or that you were trying to cause trouble.
When you told her you wanted to go to college, she told you what a bad idea it was, and to get a job at the local grocery store instead so you could help with rent because ‘that was the best option for you.’
Nothing you thought was allowed to remain.
#9 She withheld love
Love had to be earned, and even then it was given to you in such small fragments that you learned to cherish it instead of seeing the lack as a sign of strong abuse.
Earning it was hard, because most of the time the goalposts were moved and the loe was never truly available to you.
It should have been there for free, but in withholding her love, she broke your sense of self over time.
And that left you with an expensive emotional bill that you feel you’re in constant debt with.
Now you struggle to know who you are, or what you want. Every time you like something, a voice crops up:
Really?!
That inner voice is your constant struggle, and it tries to hold you back wherever it can.
In reality, that voice is nothing but the echoes of your narcissistic mother.
It’s time to start refusing to listen.
