Dear World,
Narcissists are not normal, and they never will be. Sometimes, that makes you also act the same (sorry to say it).
Signed, The Professionals.
And I’m right, they’re really weird types of people, and they do so many things in relationships that prove this point.
Whether it’s you, the victim, or them, the narcissist, ‘not normal’ things will be a part of your daily life and interestingly, they will take you by surprise.
I’ve got 9 things up for grabs for you today. Let’s check them out.
If We’re Talking ‘Normal’…
Is there such a thing when it comes to narcissists? The answer is no.
The only normal is the backward concept that toxic is normal – for them, of course. Ideally you wouldn’t know it as normal, but sadly it becomes the case in relationships.
Over time, you just fall into the trappings of the relationship where it’s all just ‘the way it is.’
And I’m here to remind you that it shouldn’t be.
1 Tiptoe
Why should you have to tiptoe around the person you’re supposed to be with?
Your safe space, the person who wants to be with you (so they say) shouldn’t be making you uneasy around them.
If they’re quiet, it isn’t natural to want to keep your distance or try to appease them with your presence, instead of adding to it.
What are you teaching yourself if you do that? The idea that your anxiety is what gets you through these unfortunate and unnecessary moments is not healthy in itself.
When you think a little harder about it, you’ll see that there is a people-pleasing side to it all that you want to uphold.
As long as you’re acting for them, you’re acting for peace.
#2 Anticipate moods
You hear their car come home from work, and immediately the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.
You see them stirring in the morning as their alarm goes off, and you sit up quickly, waiting.
They run a shower, and you know by the songs they play while in it what sort of a day you’re going to have.
The answers to your wonderings will either send your nervous system into overdrive, or settle it at least temporarily.
Why does it have to be that way? Let me tell you, it shouldn’t be. This is far from a normal relationship, yet it becomes your norm when with a narcissist.
To anticipate a mood means the moods in question are usually inconsistent and sometimes worrying.
That in itself is enough to be the huge red flag that you’re not seeing.
#3 Comfort them when they need it, but have the opposite happen to you
It becomes normal for the victim to give far more than they receive in the relationship with a narcissist. If you thought about it, what are the reasons you offer comfort when they need it?
The first is because you care, and you want to protect the people you love. It comes as second nature, so that’s precisely what you feel inclined to do.
The second is the hope that the narcissist will remember the good you did for them, and return the favor when you need it.
You want them to see that you’re trying your best, so they will be happy with you, just for once.
You’re asking for the impossible.
#4 Look for comfort from the person who is hurting you because you need it so much
You cannot heal in the environment that made you sick.
I don’t care how you try to argue about this, it’s the truest phrase I can offer you.
If you’re seeking comfort from the person who hurt you, you’re looking in the wrong place.
You might need comfort, but it’s never going to feel like comfort if the hands of pain are wrapped around you in an attempt to soothe you.
#5 Say ‘yes’ all the time
…Because they’re afraid of saying no. Think about it, why would you feel the need to say yes, even when what you’re saying yes to makes you feel really uncomfortable?
I’ll tell you why. It’s because you’re worried about the outcome of saying no. You’ve been programmed to believe that you’re being ‘too assertive’ when you go against the grain and say no.
You’re taught that having your own thoughts or opinions isn’t a good thing.
You just think life is easier if I just say yes and make them happy.
You won’t make them happy. In fact, narcissists are never happy, and you need to learn to speak up when something isn’t right.
It’s the only way you can train a part of yourself before it’s taken away by them.
#6 Never speak out
You don’t want to speak the truth because you know there will always be consequences. You learn to stay silent because that’s the way the narcissist likes you to be.
If you’re not talking, people are not suspecting. So there you stay, boxed in to a corner that is hopefully as dark as it is silent, and the narcissist gets to use their opinions and thoughts as what is put out into the world.
Is this the kind of world you want to live in? Because it really isn’t normal to do so.
#7 Do as they’re told
If you obey the rules, nobody gets hurt. If you choose to accept the narcissist’s version of the truth rather than believe your own, you will at least have a more peaceful life than if you were to go against it.
I hate to delve into why narcissists need that much control in their lives, but I will tell you that it comes from a place of real insecurity.
They can’t just boss anybody around. Those with strong values will absolutely take no talk from them, but the kind-hearted person that you are wants to keep the peace, so you listen and obey.
#8 Drop friends
It’s not normal to just drop the people you’ve always had around you. You’ve been friends for years, maybe decades, and as soon as the narcissist comes along, you drop them like a hot potato.
You’re told you’re too good for them.
You’re told they’re troublemakers.
You’re told they once tried to come onto your narcissistic partner.
Whatever excuse the narcissist can find to cut you off and isolate you, they will do it.
Suddenly, it’s just you and the narcissist. Not normal.
#9 Abandon themselves
When you forget who you are, you replace that person with the person the narcissist wants you to be.
Obedient, conforming; the person who is evidently not in charge and has no power within the relationship dynamic.
You leave who you were behind, and all you loved there, too.
You get into new routines that see yourself being placed last, and the more pressure they place on you to forget the old you, the lower down you push that version of yourself.
Thai isn’t normal. Relationships should be two people celebrating who they are and loving the idea of supporting and lifting each other where possible.
