When you can’t explain something fully to another person, it becomes easier to stay quiet.
When you’re with a narcissist, they will take things from you. That’s a given. But what exactly? And why is it so hard to tell other people what’s going on?
Because narcissists make sure the damage they cause is seen by only you. That’s why these 9 things they take from you are so hard to explain to others.
#1 Your proactiveness
We are off to a surprising start with this one, but I want you to take a moment to think about what that might mean for you, and how relevant it is.
We don’t talk enough about how a narcissist takes away your drive, and how you face what you need to do with a proactive, positive mind.
Procrastination kicks in, and it usually derives from the fear of getting it wrong, or even worse sometimes, getting it right and succeeding.
Subconsciously, you’re wondering what the narcissist is going to think of the outcome of your latest move, and how it may be interpreted by them.
So you learn to leave tasks alone. The criticism or mockery just isn’t worth it, and you’ll probably ‘get it wrong anyway.’
Try explaining that to others.
#2 Your confidence
People may notice a change in you, but how can you explain it to them when they think the narcissist is such a nice person? It’s hard to pin a fault on a person who acts perfectly in their presence.
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What do you mean?
They are so nice!
I don’t think this is their fault.
I think this has more to do with you.
Before you know it, you stop bothering.
Yet the lack of confidence remains, and it painfully affects your everyday life.
You stop trying, you stop thinking you’re worth it, and you don’t say yes and grab opportunities because you just don’t have the belief that you’re good enough.
You quieten your voice. You don’t want to be heard in case too much attention comes your way.
This wasn’t who you were, but it is who you are now, and you simply cannot explain it.
#3 Your self-worth
What’s the point?
I will fail anyway.
I’m no good at this.
This kind of talk didn’t come from you before, so where has it come from?
The narcissist.
They will find the worst, yet smallest ways to make you feel like nothing. Taking away your spark like that leaves you feeling empty, and like you aren’t worth the ground you walk on.
It may not go unnoticed by the people you know, but how do you tell them it’s because the narcissist is abusive behind closed doors?
It’s the hardest part of living in an abusive relationship, because so much of what goes on, goes undetected.
#4 Your boundaries
You thought you had strong boundaries, but the narcissist’s determination to get rid of them was much stronger.
You used to be able to say no, and now when you do, you feel a pang of guilt and shame because that’s how the narcissist operates.
They want you to fall in line and allow them constant access to you, regardless of your intentions.
People notice this about you, but you can’t correlate it to the narcissist.
Just say no.
You are in control.
Don’t blame somebody else.
These kinds of comments aren’t worth hearing, so you stay quiet and remain stuck.
#5 Your courage
I know it might seem crazy, but when you enter a relationship with courage, and that very courage gets destroyed, you cannot possibly look to anybody else for that aside from the narcissist.
These are the kinds of people who hate to see you take chances.
They don’t want to see you put yourself out there and deliver a life that others would be in awe of. Your courage in fact, is punished by them.
Why?
Because they don’t know how to be courageous. It’s a trait you have that is natural to you, yet something they wish they could even partially possess.
So they take it, and you become somebody who starts to say no and shrink your world until it’s so small, you feel trapped, yet scared to make bigger again.
#6 The idea that you can do whatever you want
When people say, “The world is your oyster,” they really mean it. Too many of us just sit back and settle for what we have without really pushing for more, or understanding that you can do whatever you want if you set your mind to it.
Those ideas get erased by the narcissist, who really just wants you to sit at home waiting patiently for them while they go out and live the perfect life (for them).
The idea that you can do what you want will be snatched from you, and you will be left with nothing but empty wishes for yourself that will never come to fruition.
#7 Your belief in yourself
What are we without crucial belief in ourselves? Where do we go when we no longer think we’re able to do things we want, or can do?
I can do this.
I am able.
I am strong.
I am capable of taking it on.
I know I believe in myself.
When all that fails, what are we left with? A person who doesn’t see the beauty in their own endless possibilities.
There should be no real limitations, and to have the self-belief to make things happen, well, that’s an amazing way to live.
It’s how we should all be living.
But no person under the control of a narcissist will ever come close.
#8 Your innate joy
Do you remember what used to bring you joy before you met the narcissist in your life?
Waking up in the morning, and pushing the windows opens to let the fresh air in.
The smell of your morning coffee. The birds singing as the sun sets. Or even more personal to you; the yoga you used to practice. The books you read.
That podcast you loved. The flowers you grew in your garden. Eating healthily because you cared about what you put in your body.
Narcissists erode joy, bit by bit, until there’s nothing left.
They hate seeing you find the little things in life the most joyous, because they don’t have anything to do with them personally.
Explaining why you no longer like those things is incredibly difficult.
#9 Your sleep
You will never be able to explain to people that the reason your sleep is so fractured is because your body is on such high alert due to living with the narcissist.
The stress they put on you is untold, and you spend every night laying awake in bed wondering what moods tomorrow will bring, and how to prepare for them.
You will get frustrated as the minutes you’re awake turn to hours.
Telling somebody that it’s because you are the victim of a long term abuse campaign will just confuse them, and they will put it down to other factors of life that you’re going through.
They will be wrong.
