When a survivor of narcissistic abuse leaves the narcissist, there is never a clear path of healing ahead.
Healing is messy, and it can take time to discover what your freedom really means.
With that in mind, I want to show you the 9 things narcissistic abuse survivors do after leaving their narcissist.
Each point is crucial, but I don’t promise every point to be positive in the short term.
Ong term? Well, that’s easy. And it’s good news for you.
#1 Replay the relationship
I know it may not be the ideal opener, but it’s one that gives an honest account of the experience of narcissistic abuse survivors.
They do replay the relationship over and over in their minds.
What did I do wrong?
Where does it all fall apart?
Why didn’t I just listen to them?
Why was I such a fool to let them slip away?
I’ll stop you there. If this sounds like you, it’s because you’ve been programmed to believe you were the problem in this, when in fact, you probably did everything you could do to make it work.
The problem was always the narcissist, and replaying the whole dynamic on repeat won’t change the outcome of it.
#2 Grieve
Grief is often mistaken for being reserved solely for the deceased, but there are things, people, situations we as humans grieve every day that are still technically living and breathing.
Memories of a relationship that is now over is something people can grieve.
You can grieve losing somebody in your life who you love, or were attached to in some way.
When it’s all over, you miss that person, but you know you can’t get them back to the way it was before.
After leaving the narcissist, you can still grieve, and you have that right.
It’s a whole different ball game grieving somebody whom you can still bump into in the street, but in reality, you are grieving what could have been, rather than what was.
If you were grieving what was, you’d be grieving all the abuse you went through, and nobody really wants to do that.
That’s where it’s always good to remember the reality of your relationship.
#3 “I don’t know what to do first”
Are you looking around, feeling totally lost and confused, wondering what to do first?
You feel like you don’t know life without them, except the only thing is you do.
You just don’t know life within the character they’ve carved for you without them. This version of you without confidence and self-esteem will not know which way to turn first.
Do you call a friend? Do you get a haircut? Do you prioritize sleep? Do you go for a new job? Travel?
The truth is, all those options are out there for you, but your head is in such a spin you just don’t know what to do first.
Being confused like this comes from the chaotic and frazzled experience you went through with the narcissist.
They broke you down and served you on a plate, and now they’re history. The trouble is, you now have to learn to live – and grow – without them.
It’s possible, but you have to first believe it.
#4 Cautious or chaotic new relationships
Entering a new relationship that seems overly chaotic, or that should come with a caution sign is fairly common for narcissistic abuse survivors.
The abuse experienced was terrible, but there is a pull within any abusive dynamic that is addictive to both survivors and narcissists.
It is the up and down, the hot and cold; and the familiarity of insecurity that hooks victims in particular.
They don’t want to be in an unstable relationship, but if it’s all they’ve ever known, they’re more likely to find that again after their latest relationship ended.
The only way out of that loop is to learn what makes you enter these kinds of dynamics, and how to love yourself first.
#5 “Did I make a mistake?”
Ruminating is a common way for narcissistic abuse survivors to spend their time post relationship.
You’re asking yourself if there was anything you could have done differently to ensure you don’t ‘push anybody away again.’
In truth, did you push anybody away, or did the relationship end because it was due to?
As hard as it is to go through a break up when everything has been so intense is like finding discomfort in the peace, rather than the chaos.
It was never your fault, and the problems the narcissist has were there long before they met you.
#6 “The new me”
And where we are! We enter the more positive side of what survivors do after a narcissistic relationship.
You can think of this time in your life as a chance to start over and find out who you really are, with no apologies.
That can be anything from what music you like, to what goes in your fridge, to how you spend your weekends, to what you wear, and to how you choose to self-care.
It doesn’t all come at once, first you have to feel like you deserve any of this.
Once it comes, you will grow into a person you wouldn’t currently recognize, and that can only be a good thing.
#7 Healing – slowly but surely
Healing isn’t linear and I do try to stress that as much as I can. You will have good days, and bad days, and they will all jumble up like a cake mix in a bowl.
That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It simply means you’ve been through a lot, and it will take time to unpick and understand all of that.
The key is to have faith, and know that what is meant to be will find a way to get to you in the end, even if you have to go through the sleepless nights and worry before you get there.
#8 Wise up, clue up
Becoming wise to narcissistic abuse is becoming more and more common for abuse survivors.
They want to know all about narcissists not to give them any more energy than they deserve, but to be able to identify them in the future and steer well clear.
Wise up, clue up, and ensure that your path ahead looks bright, instead of bleak.
#9 “Building a new me”
The new you is unknown at the present time, but as a survivor of narcissistic abuse, you will eventually get to know what you love without the feeling of a dark shadow looming over you.
You can’t do this.
You shouldn’t like that.
Why do you even bother?
None of that will exist, and it will be a strange peace to begin with. Once you become accustomed to the quiet, you will learn to love it.
Building a new you will take time, and I think anybody who has experienced narcissistic abuse should spend quality and essential time putting a bit of a life together for themselves…
…And indeed, they do.
