Trusting the family of a narcissist can seem like a pretty normal thing to do.
You meet them, they seem sweet, and over time, you feel like you can open up to them about different problems.
You might even view them all as thoroughly decent people whom you have a connection with.
I want to ask you: What does trusting entail? You want to tell them your secrets? Mention the fact that their beloved family member – your narcissistic partner – is toxic?
Trouble begins.
Don’t trust them, not ever. Here are 9 reasons why you shouldn’t.
#1 They have learned the dynamics and will not budge
It takes time to learn the dynamics of a family that even has just one narcissist within it.
Coming from the inside, families know their roles, yet never speak of them. Each knows where they stand, even if they don’t like it, and the person who seems to pull those strings is the narcissist.
Without delegating people, the narcissist will tell people the roles they play by how they treat them.
The scapegoat will be hit hard, being blamed, shamed and guilted. The golden members will be those who comply the most, those who do well, and who can make the narcissist look good.
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Often that may be through how they support the narcissist, and how loyal and consistent they are to them.
You can’t trust anybody who is stuck in the dynamic, refusing to believe another dynamic could possibly exist.
#2 Keeping the peace means keeping conflict at bay
Some people fight to keep peace even with the most toxic atmospheres, and that’s down to the fact that the alternative is hell on earth.
If the mood of the narcissist flares up like a bad rash, the family is quick to lay the proverbial cold flannel on it, wanting to dampen anger and control the calm.
It’s priority, and that means glossing over and throwing a rug over all the problems that become far too big to maintain healthily.
Conflict therefore, stays a distance away, and nobody then has to deal with the fallout.
#3 You will be seen as a troublemaker
Think about it; the family has been the way it has all these years. You meet the narcissist and you see that something isn’t right. What do you do?
Speak up.
Then what?
You’re seen as somebody who is trying to come in and purposely ruffle feathers.
You want to interrupt the status quo, and you won’t be seen favorably.
Nobody is going to stand up beside you and agree that you are speaking truths, they will just raise their eyebrows and hope you shut up soon.
They won’t want to form an alliance with somebody they barely know.
#4 The enabler parent
Where there is a narcissist, there is always an enabler parent. The one who excused their grandiose behavior growing up, or who fed them their ego, even if they didn’t consciously realize they were doing so.
This enabler parent will always defend the narcissist. They won’t see your point of view and want to work with it in any way, especially if it looks to insult their narcissistic child.
The moment the enabler parent turns on the narcissist, the narcissist will never trust them again. This is why the parent will never give you that time of day.
#5 There is always more than one narcissist in the midst
Take a step black, I beg of you. Look around you, look at all the faces of the people in the narcissist’s family, and tell me that there are no more narcissists in the mix.
I don’t think you’ll be able to do it, and that’s usually because narcissists are born from narcissists.
There will be a parent there, and I have no doubt some kind of uncle, aunt or cousin will display similar characteristics, too.
Unfortunately, it can take a while to dig deep and find them all, and people make the mistake of trusting the charm of them before they really get to know who they are.
#6 There is a history of makeups and breakups
You only have to hear the family talk about the past to know that there hasn’t been a history of smooth sailing.
From gossiping, to fallouts, to mad makeups, you will hear about it all.
When you enter that fold, there’s no way in hell that all of that will come to a stop. If anything, it should tell you that eventually, you will be a part of that.
Whether that means getting the blame, being thrown to the wolves, or being fiercely mistaken; you will become a part of the drama.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you, and use it as a moment where you realize that trust will tear your good nature apart eventually.
#7 Roles can change
If one day you are watching a role play out, don’t think that’s how it always goes.
By that, I mean one day your narcissist’s mother might be the child to her own elderly grandparents, and will appear helpless before them because they’re still controlling her to some extent.
She may be seen as the favorite or scapegoat, but that role won’t be the same for her as her own parent or spouse.
In other words, you think you know somebody, but you really don’t. That is a heavy sign to steer clear and refuse to trust them. It will only end in misery if you mistake a person as being somebody that they are evidently not.
#8 People don’t want the truth spoken
You will be surprised just how many families of narcissists want to block their ears and refuse to listen to what your experiences of the narcissist are.
They know a version of the narcissist that is different from the person you know, and because of that, they’re unwilling to entertain who is behind the mask.
It’s a form of denial, but it’s a version that means you are silenced. Your feelings are ignored because the family would rather pretend it’s not happening than have to deal with it.
They’re weak, and therefore cannot be trusted with your heart.
#9 The narcissist has strong allies
The allies will never leave the narcissist’s side, because the narcissist has worked hard to build up a team of people they want to protect them.
It spells bad news for you. In a way, you feel the injustice, after all, you’re the innocent one! They have played their moves before you’ve even had a chance to realize you’re in the game with them.
The allies of the narcissist will make sure they look out for the narcissist, and defend them if you so much as speak up about the unfairness.
You will never be able to get through to them, and if you want to have an honest conversation about the narcissist’s real character, you are never going to be able to do that with the people.
They have been programmed, and that’s the bottom line. You can’t reprogram them unless the narcissist happens to really slip up…
…Which rarely happens around their allies.
