It’s an issue that so many people tackle. Loneliness versus being alone. Y
ou might wonder what the difference is. Surely both include feeling as though the world isn’t giving you anybody you can rely on, and you’re knocked to your knees in sadness.
But let’s clear that up today, because being lonely and being alone are two different things, and I want to prove it with these 9 ways you are lonelier with a narcissist than being alone.
There is a happy ending for you out there.
#1 They don’t want to get to know the real you
Narcissists love the version of you that serves them. This is the kind of version that they write for you, rather than the version you authentically show up as.
Imagine you, but much smaller and limited. That’s what the narcissist loves; not the big, bold and brave version you’ve got underneath all that fear (trust me, it really exists!)
You can become lonely in this altered version of you because it doesn’t align with who you really are.
Your dreams bore them, your struggles frustrate and annoy them, and your fears make them uncomfortable.
You start to hide yourself and isolate who you really are, and that’s a really lonely place to live.
They don’t want to get to know the real you. Instead, they thrive on the version they create themselves, and that’s enough to make anybody on the receiving end feel very lonely.
#2 They don’t listen to you when you talk
It can be very lonely to speak and never feel like you’re being heard. You use your voice to try and pass on thoughts, opinions, or even mere expressions.
They amount to nothing when met at the ears of your abuser, who doesn’t want to hear any of it.
You spend time opening up. All the narcissist does is wait for their turn. You explain your reasons, but all they do is interrupt. You open up and explain how you feel, but the narcissist zones out uninterested.
Conversations inevitably feel one-sided, and that’s because they are.
Soon enough, you just stop talking. You stop sharing what matters, and it isn’t because you don’t have anything to say, it’s because you know nobody else is listening.
This is a special kind of loneliness, but that specialness isn’t positive or good.
You can sit right next to somebody and still feel invisible. Being alone like this can feel deafeningly silent, but being ignored feels even louder.
#3 They aren’t affectionate
You learn to swallow you affection when you receive none in return. You keep trying, but in that trying, you are constantly rejected in small yet painful ways.
Every kiss feels rushed, and every hug feels forced. To get warmth from the narcissist feels like a conditional power play, and so you start to crave the very thing fundamentally missing from your relationship.
Nobody in a loving relationship should be craving affection, it shouldn’t simply exist in ways that suit both parties involved.
If not, you are living an empty life that will never be fulfilled while you’re with the narcissist.
There is nothing luxurious about wanting affection, and without it, you can feel even more lonely than if you were actually alone.
#4 Your crying out needs go unnoticed
As you cry, you want to be able to reach out and connect with the narcissist, but the loneliness can derive from the narcissist missing all your hints.
You ask them for time, they ignore it. You beg them to listen, but they dismiss your needs.
Those needs don’t just go away, you know. They simply remain unmet, and as you walk through life still involved and attached to the narcissist, you carry everything all by yourself.
The stress.
The pain.
Fear.
You become strong because you have to, because nobody else is strong with you. That’s an enormously lonely feeling to walk your life with.
#5 You leave yourself to chase them
When you cancel plans or ignore what you know you need to do, you are silencing your own needs.
You put the narcissist first, and chase them even though they greet you with such a cold response.
In turn, you shrink. You become smaller in the shadow of their egotistical light.
You are more agreeable, but not because you’ve changed, but because you’re afraid you might lose the narcissist altogether.
This is the trap, and it’s a lonely one. The brutality of managing their life instead of yours can feel as though nobody else understands you.
Being alone means you at least have yourself, but being lonely with a narcissist means you have totally abandoned yourself.
#6 Your identity shrivels up
Your identity is a core part of who you are, and when it starts to shrivel up, you become shrivelled up.
You stop dressing how you like to, and speaking how you feel. You don’t dream like you once did because, well, what’s the point?
Every part of who you are becomes negotiable, except the part where the narcissist lives.
As your personality gets edited, your confidence becomes thinner and thinner, and your voice becomes nothing but a whisper of what it once was.
One day, you look in the mirror and you don’t know who the person looking back at you is.
It is a lonely loss, and carrying all of that yourself is a very lonely place to be, but this is purposeful erosion of your self by the narcissist. This is why living alone is better than being lonely.
#7 You lose all your loved ones
At first, you don’t really recognize it. The narcissist criticizes your friends, and questions your family.
Then it feels like pressure. Pressure to not see them or call, and soon enough, the distance is well and truly intact.
As your world shrinks and you become isolated, you lose who matters, and the support that goes with it.
This is not by accident, it’s by design. The narcissist wants to be your only voice and reality, but in doing so, you have nobody else to enrich your life.
What a lonely place to be.
#8 Your confidence becomes extinct
As the narcissist jokes at your expense, you slowly stop believing in yourself. You lack the confidence to act and choose, you just exist in their presence.
All the hesitation before speaking makes you feel small, which is why being with them feels worse than being without them.
Although it’s uncertain to be alone, it isn’t paralyzing.
#9 Self-worth leaves you missing out on so much
There’s no trying or dreaming when your self-worth is murdered by the narcissist.
It’s not because you don’t want to dream, it’s because you don’t feel worthy of having them at all.
You settle, and accept less from life. You expect to be disappointed, rather than work on how to make improvements.
This is what happens when a narcissist slowly yet surely teaches you that you don’t matter.
You miss out on opportunities, and joy gets eaten up by anxiousness.
The loneliness comes from all of this combined. It isn’t just around you, it’s also inside of you.
There’s no worse way to live.
