Having a narcissistic parent doesn’t just mean having to deal with their inconsistent moods from time to time.
In fact, growing up with one among siblings really opens the door for more conflict, and potentially long-term estrangement.
It happens everywhere, all the time, and it boils down to these 9 disturbing ways narcissists force their children to compete for love.
Let’s see how many of them make sense to you.
#1 Comparisons
Why can’t you be more like Tom? He’s always so patient with putting Lego together.
Look at how Sadie is sitting. Now that’s the kind of behavior I like to celebrate.
I thought seeing Bryan is such a natural at math that it would rub off on you, too. Evidently not…
Are you familiar with the way your narcissistic parent forced you to compete for love based on the act of comparison?
It’s shocking to me that this happens, but words hurt, and these kinds of words set you up to feel terrible about yourself, while still being too young to really know what that means, and why that is.
It’s only as you grow older you start to join the dots and see all the ways you were pulled next to any siblings you had and compared to them.
#2 The golden child vs. the scapegoat
Words I’m sure you’ve heard of before, am I right? The golden child, AKA the child who can do no wrong; the child who the narcissist sees the most potential in.
Or as I like to refer to them as: the child who complies the most. Versus the scapegoat, and if you’re reading this, you’re most likely to have fitted that role growing up.
When the two are pitted against each other, the narcissist will do all they can for them to not get along.
Little squabbles as children frequently end up being proper estrangement in adult life, and if that’s where your life sits currently, you are not alone.
Both children as kids want to compete for love. One will almost always win, but the other is determined to be seen as a good person too, and will do anything to prove it.
#3 Unequal rewards / unequal punishment
When your sibling steps out of line, their punishment might be (note I didn’t say seem – this is real), nothing in comparison to yours.
You were sent to your room and grounded for a week, while they were told they had to take out the trash one time.
The same with rewards. You were given a very lukewarm ‘that’s good,’ while your sibling was taken out for ice cream and their good news added to a ‘send to all’ family email to share more widely.
Suddenly, what you think you’re achieving doesn’t feel good enough, so you work to achieve more and more, yet never fulfilling your narcissistic parent’s approval rating.
It will cause friction, and that’s exactly why your narcissistic parent treats you differently.
#4 Conditional affection and love
Everything comes with terms and conditions when it comes to being raised by a narcissist. Love is not just there, it has to instead be earned.
You can’t ask for it without having any in the bank. Love and affection are given when they feel like it, but to your sibling, they are showered daily with kind words, gestures and actions.
You think, “What am I doing wrong?”, when the answer is nothing at all. This is just how narcissists like to abuse their kids and treat them so they end up competing for it.
And the narcissist? They will love that kind of attention. Two people fighting over them, it’s a dream come true!
Any instance where this can be a possibility, they will set it up and watch it play out.
#5 Weaponizing success
Were you ever in a situation where your siblings’ success was turned into ammunition for you? They did so well in a certain exam or class, and your narcissistic parent came to you and said:
Look at what you can achieve when you put your mind to it!
If only you got your head out of the clouds for long enough to do a little work.
You won’t go far if you don’t do what your brother-sister is doing.
It makes you feel terrible about yourself, and you could already be trying your best, but it naturally falls short.
Never mind the fact that you might be brilliant at something else you have a passion for.
Instead, you’ll be forced to compete for love and try even harder, probably getting yourself even more stressed at school as a result.
#6 Favoritism … if you comply
You can be the narcissist’s ‘golden child’ if you were to comply with everything they tell you, and always come out shining.
Do as you’re told and you will be the light of the narcissist’s life. Always defend them, and you will be the best reproduction of themselves they could hope for.
You think it’s nice to be treated nicely by a narcissistic parent, but you’re only being treated that way because you are doing everything right in their eyes. If you slip, so does the love and affection they’re giving you.
It’s a constant cycle of needing approval and behaving well, and no child should have to do that with a parent.
#7 Creating pockets of jealousy
Your narcissist parent would have gotten really good at creating moments where either you or your sibling had the opportunity to express real pangs of jealousy toward each other.
From giving one child more time, energy, treats or affection than the other, or signing either one of you up to a new hobby or class and not the other; it’s breeding ground for conflict.
Naturally one will feel like they’re loved differently to the other, and before you know it, there’s a competition going on.
#8 Parentification
Narcissists are good at making one child ‘the responsible one’ but in turn, that leaves them resenting their other kids for not measuring up.
How can anybody compete with a person they’ve specifically and intentionally made to be the one who shoulders all the problems, especially at such a young age?
Nevertheless, at the time, you will feel forced to compete with the parentified child, and try to show up more for your parent.
And oh look – they end up getting attention overload – just how they like it!
#9 Gaslighting sibling experiences
You can reach out to your narcissistic parent all you like and remind them that what’s going on isn’t fair, but they won’t listen to you.
In fact, they will tell you that you’re crazy for even thinking about it, and find ways to try to prove that you’re wrong.
Denial.
Shame.
Guilt
Projection.
Insults.
Expect it all in their vain attempt to put your accusations to bed.
You know the truth though, and it’s a very different story.
Your experiences are valid, but there’s every chance your narcissistic parent could persuade you otherwise, especially if they have a history of knocking your self-worth to shreds.
Stick to your reality, because that’s the only place you can start to heal from.
