Just when you think you’ve cracked the generational code and pushed away all narcissistic traumas from your body and mind, think again.
Having kids might make you turn and reconsider how you raise yours, but all the while their narcissistic grandparents are lurking in the weeds, things won’t change much.
Here are 9 chilling reasons narcissistic grandparents are more dangerous than you think.
I hope you’re prepared.
#1 They want a repeat of past cycles
They don’t just dream about continuing the cycle of misery onto another generation, they actually plan and plot it.
Narcissistic grandparents don’t want to live any differently, and the only way they know how to treat somebody is to keep abusing.
They will paint it differently though, and will say they’re just doing what they think is best for your kids, but in reality, it’s not going to be like that.
The past cycles that I speak of will inevitably involve you, and how you suffered at the fateful hands of a toxic parent growing up.
The misery, the neglect, the emotional desert that was your life. You tried to please them as much as you could, but it was never good enough.
#2 Kids equals control
The younger a person is, the easier a narcissist will be able to control them.
While kids aren’t stupid, they look to adults with a more focused eye than a teenager would.
They grow up copying, and learning what is right from wrong. If you are a kid in the wrong environment, then that right and wrong will quickly become skewed.
If a narcissist grandparent wants access to their grandchild/children a lot, you can guarantee that’s because they want access to the control they have over them when in their company.
#3 The secrets start the abuse process
Don’t tell your mom I let you have this ice cream.
This can be our little secret.
This is why you love seeing Grandma!
I won’t tell if you won’t.
Narcissistic grandparents are doing themselves no favors by speaking like this to their grandkids.
These are your kids we are talking about, and the more secrets they try to entice them to keep, the more of a divide will come between you and the people you’re trying to raise in the healthiest way possible.
Secrets might sound innocent. A treat here, a few dollars there. But that’s not how they end up.
A narcissistic grandparent can start to do or say even bigger things that the child has been told to keep quiet, and that can start to look and be risky for all involved.
It’s not healthy to keep secrets if you know what you’re keeping is wrong, and manipulating a child into doing so is one of the lowest forms of manipulation period.
#4 Conquer and divide: their favorite game
In the mind of a narcissistic grandparent will always be the following:
How can I cause problems?
What can I say or do that will create distance?
How can I retain my power in this family dynamic?
You’ll notice these are all “I” statements. The narcissistic grandparent is only interested in what serves them.
They don’t care at what cost it is to you, or your kids.
Me, me, me.
This is their favorite game to play, and they play it so well that they even know how best to walk away as to continue to look innocent.
So when you and your kids fall out, and they won’t speak to you, the narcissistic grandparent can shrug and say, “Well this has nothing to do with me. Maybe you need to encourage a better relationship between you.”
You. You’re painted as the failure, when in reality, the problem is all them.
#5 Undermining you at every opportunity
Let’s get one thing clear, the narcissistic parent loves to undermine you.
From telling you how you should be doing things, to overriding your wishes when the kids are in their company, the grandparents’ toxicity will come into full view at every single possibility.
Not only are these opportunities crucial in their determination to crush you as a capable parent, they always at some point or another invoke division and conflict.
You find yourself feeling frustrated and angry, but it’s at your narcissistic parent. You might snap at your kids, or your spouse because things aren’t going your way.
It’s a position many people who have a narcissistic parent are put in, and you have to apply boundaries and react in ways that empower you, not them.
#6 “Mommy/daddy is so boring!”
They won’t let you go outside in the rain? How boring they are!
Oh come on. We aren’t going to listen to boring dadda today. A pot of jello for you!
Maybe Mommy needs a little time on the naughty step for being such a bore!
You grit your teeth, and it takes all your effort and energy to not react. You’re normal – this is a normal response to an impossible person you’re dealing with.
You know that your rules are not boring, they are necessary and it’s how you run your house.
You don’t have to explain yourself. The narcissistic grandparent just wants to look like the best friend in order to make your kids question you and sulk.
This is real dangerous territory now, and a huge reason why so many parents fall out of contact with their toxic parents.
#7 Defying rules, defying you
The narcissistic grandparent generation is a defiant bunch, but you can overcome that by being more defiant.
It doesn’t have to include toxicity, chaos, or any form of arguments, but it does include your rules, and what you say, goes.
Remember, you were raised by this person, and it was hell on earth. You know the real them, and it’s your job to protect your kids from them as much as possible.
Dynamics have the ability to get very nasty and dangerous with your input, and your input is how you shape your own children to be kind and compassionate.
They will try at every opportunity to push away your rules. Don’t allow it.
#8 Silent bomb droppers
As the narcissistic grandparent drops the bomb of chaos and walks away silently, they will watch the explosion from afar with a smile upon their ageing faces.
Beware of any grandparent who enjoys stoking and fueling fires that they started themselves.
From saying something they know will cause tension, to acting out in a way where you get the blame instead of them, these silent bombs are known to cause dangerous friction.
#9 They feel their grandkids are an extension of them
No grandchild is an extension of their grandparent.
They shouldn’t follow in their footsteps, they shouldn’t have a grandparent who wants to constantly live vicariously through them, and no child should ever be forced to follow a path that their grandparent demands they do.
Children are their own people, and have every right to explore the world in their own way.
They can dress how they want to, listen to what music they want, and study the subjects they’re passionate about.
Not what Grandma or Grandpa want
