I’m a very lucky man!
…
You’re an embarrassment! Who else could love you?!
Surely these two sentences can’t be used by the same person…
…Wrong.
They absolutely can and are daily by all narcissists in a relationship.
That Jeykll and Hyde character can be soul-destroying – but there are other ways they treat you both in public vs. private.
To know them all, is to gain the upper hand into their toxic character.
I’ve got 8 ways narcissists treat you differently and act like 2 completely contrasting people…
…Are you ready?
Narcissists: Why The Change?
Narcissists refuse to allow anybody into their real character. The toxicity behind their mask is truly evil, but if they keep that for behind closed doors, they can act the official charmer out in public.
Knowing there are two sides to every narcissistic person is frustrating to the victims who know the truth, but guess what?
When you try to convince everybody of what you see, you end up looking like the crazy one!
That’s exactly what the narcissist wants.
8 Ways Narcissists Treat You: Public vs. Behind Closed Doors
#1 The Soundboard vs. The Smiler
You’re the one they complain to. They tell you how much they hate, and what they despise about day-to-day life.
The narcissist hates most things, and they use you as the soundboard to hear it all.
You hear it all, and you smile and nod along. Before long, it becomes a drain that you fall down each time they open their mouth and talk down about those you love and care about.
They don’t stop, and it hollows out your happiness.
Then, just as they’ve said everything negative and more, you step out together, and the smile is painted on.
Your smile is painted on because you have to pretend to be happy.
Their smile is painted on because they want to act like all of the previous moaning and groaning never happened.
They approach the very people they just mudded, and act like they’re best friends.
You’re confused. Why would they be so contrasting in private vs. public? I know we all like to complain from time to time, but this negativity was spiteful and filled with real purpose to harm.
#2 Grinding Down Your Enthusiasm – All Is Well
I don’t want to go to this party.
I told you, there’s not one part of me that’s looking forward to seeing your family and friends.
I’m not in the mood, yet you insist on dragging me along.
I told you, I’m not a fan of this movie franchise. Yet here we are, anyway.
It all kicks off behind closed doors. You hear it, you feel like throwing the towel in and cabling, but you promised your loved ones that you’d show up.
You knew it was going to happen; the narcissist always ruins events before you’ve even left the house. They don’t want to go – it’s all about them.
You leave the house – finally you are on your way and all you hear is their childless whining about wanting to be at home.
You end up being late – but before you get a chance to open your mouth – the narcissist opens theirs.
Oh, you know what they’re like! They didn’t know what dress to wear – that’s why we’re late!
You can’t believe it. In one single moment the tables flip, and you’re the one to blame.
#3 Criticism vs. Compliment
You look dreadful. I hate being seen out with you when you don’t make the effort.
Hi, everyone! We’re here, and doesn’t my wife look completely stunning tonight?
Wearing you down in one breath, and showing you off in the next.
Where does that leave you and your confidence?
You want to cry, but you also want to hide.
I get it. That difference in treatment is done to make you feel bad about yourself, and to give you a horrible, incorrect complex about how you look.
#4 Money is Withheld – Money is No Object
Behind closed doors, you can expect the narcissist in your life to be obsessed with controlling money.
Sometimes, you may see zero money coming to you if you share bank accounts. It’s not unusual for narcissists to hold onto the passcodes, and hand over the minimum of what you need.
However…
In public, that money is going to almost be thrown up into the air. Look at me, look at how much money I have! Look at how generous I am!
Nobody needs to know the truth – expect you, of course.
#5 The Toxic Charmer
Toxic to you – charming to everybody else. It can work out as a trigger to any victim as they watch the charming person they fell for, use that same charm out in public.
By now, you know it’s all fake.
Narcissists want everybody to love them, and they will put on the biggest act imaginable in order to achieve that.
#6 Abuse vs. The Perfect Image
A client I had said her father used to say:
I don’t want any of the family’s business leaving the front door. What goes on in this house, stays in this house. It doesn’t have anything to do with anybody else.
Back then, she said she did as she was told; convinced her family’s private business was sacred.
It wasn’t private business, it was abuse.
And because nobody opened their mouths to it, it meant her father, the narcissist, could get away with being head of that perfect image.
Sound familiar?
#7 The Inconvenience vs. The Love of My Life
What a hurtful way to be treated, right?
You’re just easy to live with.
It doesn’t make a difference if you’re in my life, or not.
You feel down and out, but then in public, you’re treated as though you’re the love of the narcissist’s life – they may even say that to their audience.
They want to look like the most kind, caring person to everybody else so it maintains the idea that they are wonderful in all ways.
You know they’re not, though!
#8 The Sudden “After” Switch
Leaving an event with a narcissist when they’ve been on their best behavior all evening can make you feel warm and fuzzy inside.
How refreshing to be with them in a good mood, full of the joys, and happy to be out with you.
Until they get in the car.
Suddenly: radio silence hits.
You did something wrong.
You said something wrong.
You flirted with somebody.
Whatever the fault is – expect that switch to occur as soon as they get you alone.
Remember, the narcissist just exhausted themselves being fake all night, and now they need to rip off the mask and let their negativity start flowing freely.
It’s just a shame you have to take it all, isn’t it?
