I’m a very lucky man!
…
You’re an embarrassment! Who else could love you?!
Surely these two sentences can’t be used by the same person…
…Wrong.
They absolutely can and are daily by all narcissists in a relationship.
That Jeykll and Hyde character can be soul-destroying – but there are other ways they treat you both in public vs. private.
To know them all, is to gain the upper hand into their toxic character.
I’ve got 8 ways narcissists treat you differently and act like 2 completely contrasting people…
…Are you ready?
Narcissists: Why The Change?
Narcissists refuse to allow anybody into their real character. The toxicity behind their mask is truly evil, but if they keep that for behind closed doors, they can act the official charmer out in public.
Knowing there are two sides to every narcissistic person is frustrating to the victims who know the truth, but guess what?
When you try to convince everybody of what you see, you end up looking like the crazy one!
That’s exactly what the narcissist wants.
8 Ways Narcissists Treat You: Public vs. Behind Closed Doors
#1 The Soundboard vs. The Smiler
You’re the one they complain to. They tell you how much they hate, and what they despise about day-to-day life.
The narcissist hates most things, and they use you as the soundboard to hear it all.
You hear it all, and you smile and nod along. Before long, it becomes a drain that you fall down each time they open their mouth and talk down about those you love and care about.
They don’t stop, and it hollows out your happiness.
Then, just as they’ve said everything negative and more, you step out together, and the smile is painted on.
Your smile is painted on because you have to pretend to be happy.
Their smile is painted on because they want to act like all of the previous moaning and groaning never happened.
They approach the very people they just mudded, and act like they’re best friends.
You’re confused. Why would they be so contrasting in private vs. public? I know we all like to complain from time to time, but this negativity was spiteful and filled with real purpose to harm.
#2 Grinding Down Your Enthusiasm – All Is Well
I don’t want to go to this party.
I told you, there’s not one part of me that’s looking forward to seeing your family and friends.
I’m not in the mood, yet you insist on dragging me along.
I told you, I’m not a fan of this movie franchise. Yet here we are, anyway.
It all kicks off behind closed doors. You hear it, you feel like throwing the towel in and cabling, but you promised your loved ones that you’d show up.
You knew it was going to happen; the narcissist always ruins events before you’ve even left the house. They don’t want to go – it’s all about them.
You leave the house – finally, you are on your way, and all you hear is their childless whining about wanting to be at home.
You end up being late – but before you get a chance to open your mouth – the narcissist opens theirs.
Oh, you know what they’re like! They didn’t know what dress to wear – that’s why we’re late!
You can’t believe it. In one single moment the tables flip, and you’re the one to blame.
#3 Criticism vs. Compliment
You look dreadful. I hate being seen out with you when you don’t make the effort.
Hi, everyone! We’re here, and doesn’t my wife look completely stunning tonight?
Wearing you down in one breath, and showing you off in the next.
Where does that leave you and your confidence?
You want to cry, but you also want to hide.
I get it. That difference in treatment is done to make you feel bad about yourself, and to give you a horrible, incorrect complex about how you look.
#4 Money is Withheld – Money is No Object
Behind closed doors, you can expect the narcissist in your life to be obsessed with controlling money.
Sometimes, you may see zero money coming to you if you share bank accounts. It’s not unusual for narcissists to hold onto the passcodes and hand over the minimum of what you need.
However…
In public, that money is going to almost be thrown up into the air. Look at me, look at how much money I have! Look at how generous I am!
Nobody needs to know the truth – expect you, of course.
#5 The Toxic Charmer
Toxic to you – charming to everybody else. It can work out as a trigger to any victim as they watch the charming person they fell for, use that same charm out in public.
By now, you know it’s all fake.
Narcissists want everybody to love them, and they will put on the biggest act imaginable in order to achieve that.
#6 Abuse vs. The Perfect Image
A client I had said her father used to say:
I don’t want any of the family’s business leaving the front door. What goes on in this house, stays in this house. It doesn’t have anything to do with anybody else.
Back then, she said she did as she was told; convinced her family’s private business was sacred.
It wasn’t private business, it was abuse.
And because nobody opened their mouths to it, it meant her father, the narcissist, could get away with being head of that perfect image.
Sound familiar?
#7 The Inconvenience vs. The Love of My Life
What a hurtful way to be treated, right?
You’re just easy to live with.
It doesn’t make a difference if you’re in my life, or not.
You feel down and out, but then in public, you’re treated as though you’re the love of the narcissist’s life – they may even say that to their audience.
They want to look like the most kind, caring person to everybody else so it maintains the idea that they are wonderful in all ways.
You know they’re not, though!
#8 The Sudden “After” Switch
Leaving an event with a narcissist when they’ve been on their best behavior all evening can make you feel warm and fuzzy inside.
How refreshing to be with them in a good mood, full of the joys, and happy to be out with you.
Until they get in the car.
Suddenly: radio silence hits.
You did something wrong.
You said something wrong.
You flirted with somebody.
Whatever the fault is – expect that switch to occur as soon as they get you alone.
Remember, the narcissist just exhausted themselves being fake all night, and now they need to rip off the mask and let their negativity start flowing freely.
It’s just a shame you have to take it all, isn’t it?
How To Outsmart The Narcissist?
Outsmarting a narcissist might seem like something you would never be able to do.
Think of all those times that toxic person has made you feel small, or even nothing. The idea of outsmarting them won’t come naturally to you, right?
Wrong!
You can absolutely outsmart a narcissist. They won’t see it coming, they won’t see you coming – and it will be a shock to their narcissistic system!
Finding ways to outsmart a narcissist can be fun, and it will put you right back in control of your life.
So, let’s see a show of hands to see who’s with me?
Narcissists: The Truth Behind the Mask
Narcissists!
You’ve likely encountered them at some point in your life, right? That’s why you’re here!
Narcissists walk into a room and act like they own it, even if they’ve just walked into your kitchen. It’s incredibly frustrating.
Masters at creating a toxic air of confidence and superiority, narcissists hide behind their mask. Behind it all? Insecurity and neediness!
You know it well, I’m certain!
Narcissists can be charming and persuasive when they want to be.
They’re also incredibly convincing at it.
But don’t be fooled.
Their charm is a well-rehearsed act designed to get what they want, whether from you or from others.
They thrive on control and manipulation, and will do what it takes to continue this weird game of human chess they are experts at.
Understanding the core of a narcissist is crucial for all of us – especially you.
Beneath all charm and smiles, they are often fragile. They fear their true selves being exposed – and they do all they can so that doesn’t happen.
This fragility makes them dangerous, but it also makes it possible to outsmart them.
Once you know what exactly is lurking behind the mask, you’ll be much better equipped to deal with their toxic tactics.
They Think They’re So Clever!
Narcissists believe they are the smartest person in the world, and nobody else compares even marginally.
They convince themselves of this, and do their best to convince others too.
They use their quote-on-quote “intelligence” to dominate conversations and situations, which only makes others feel inferior. Is this a familiar story to you?
It is to so many people, sadly.
The narcissist has a deep sense of superiority, which acts as a double-edged sword.
Yes, it fuels their confidence and bravado. But also, it makes them vulnerable to being outsmarted. If you think about it, anybody can outsmart them, and it certainly doesn’t take much at all.
Their arrogance blinds them to their own weaknesses, which can backfire on them!
What does this mean? Well, it means the narcissist can sometimes really underestimate others.
Good news for you though – as this overconfidence is where you can find your edge.
Dealing with a narcissist requires more than just holding your ground; it’s about understanding their playbook and using their own tactics against them. They think they’re so clever, but with a little knowledge and strategy, you can turn the tables.
You? Really? …
Yes! Really!
You’re here because you’ve had enough of the narcissist’s mind games, right?
Outsmarting them is now a healthy option for you, and you should definitely do all you can to do it.
If the narcissist is your friend, boss, family member or lover – the time has come to regain control and peace of mind.
You’re so not alone.
Many people struggle with how to handle narcissists effectively.
The key?
Outsmart them!
Let’s get to the good bit…
How to Outsmart a Narcissist
#1 Be Firm – Set Your Boundaries!
Narcissists are known to thrive on pushing limits, no matter who they belong to. Oh yes, expect boundaries to be constantly tested. They will look for your weakness and then exploit them, until now, that is!
The first step in outsmarting a narcissist is to get your boundaries as firm and clear as possible. This means being completely transparent about behavior you will accept, and what behavior you won’t.
Don’t stop short at setting boundaries, you have to enforce them too. When that narcissist attempts to walk all over them, you have to calmly and consistently push back.
Make your language clear – and assertive. No, they won’t like it, but hey, this isn’t about them anymore, is it? The less emotion you apply, the better. After all, narcissists feed off any kind of reaction.
Composure is key, just like consistency.
#2 “Gray Rock”
The gray rock method is such an empowering tool when dealing with any narcissist.
The idea of gray rock is to make yourself as uninteresting and unresponsive as possible.
You might think that sounds easy but it does take a little practice to get it just right.
Remember, narcissists crave drama and seeing you act ‘overly-emotional.’ By being boring and unengaging, you deny them that very satisfaction they seek.
Bingo!
When they try to provoke you, be bland. Be the human equivalent of vanilla.
Avoid showing anger, frustration, excitement – any of it. Over time, they are strongly likely to lose interest in trying to manipulate you because you’re not giving them the fuel they need.
You’ve become so boring!
No…. I am just doing my best to outsmart your attitude…
#3 Deflection – Master It!
Narcissists love to put you on the spot – it’s their attempt to make you feel uncomfortable.
One way to tackle this is to master what I like to call the art of deflection.
Whenever they try to criticize or undermine you, that’s when you redirect the conversation. Ask them a question that shifts the focus back onto them or onto a neutral topic.
I’ll give you an example.
They criticize your decorating work at home (how predictable, right?)
Now you respond with, “Interesting point. What do you think about the weather lately?”
It sounds crazy, but it really throws them off and totally stops them in their tracks.
#4 Information is Preparation!
Ah yes, narcissists will often use misinformation and lies to manipulate everybody else.
You can outsmart them here by being well-informed and prepared. Do your research, re-check facts, and even have evidence to back it all up.
Many people I know have been known to write down information or revert to old texts for screenshots to prove their points.
This will all reduce the narcissist’s ability to use deception against you.
This is all about concrete information – and who can argue with the facts?
#5 Gather Your Support System
It’s not uncommon for narcissists to isolate their victims to assert themselves and gain more control.
You can maintain a strong network of people you love and trust. Seek support from anybody you know who may understand the situation you’re in, and who can provide advice.
Encouragement is also heavily advised here!
Having that crucial support system will help you stay grounded in your reality. When a narcissist is trying their best to get to you, you have people you can rely on to turn to.
Let’s start unlock that potential!
