8 Ways Narcissists Pretend To Help You

If a narcissist isn’t putting on a show, then what are they even doing?

They thrive on having an audience watching them pretend to be good, righteous, and compassionate.

They dwell on loneliness, so always make sure they appear the most helpful, especially during times of extreme stress or emergency.

It’s their moment to prove to the world that they’re good people, and they use and abuse your pain and vulnerability to make themselves look good.

Here are 8 ways narcissists pretend to help you.

#1 Moving house?

Hey! You’re moving! Do you need help?

You need me.

I know somebody who can help you paint the walls.

Do you want me to ask my friend to lend their van?

There are so many potential loose ends a narcissist can provide for you if you allow them to overstep when you move house.

Let me tell you, it’s so much more common than you think it is, too. 

They want to be needed, and they think they have all the answers to support you and ease the transition from one place to another, but all it does is cause more headache, and they know it. 

Pretending to help you really doesn’t cut the fact that they are causing more of a hindrance than anything. 

#2 Telling you what they think

I just want you to be okay.

I have advice for you.

I think you should…

I think this is a really bad idea.

I think this is a really good idea.

You don’t need to hear any of it, because you know how it will go down.

You listen, you take their advice, and you end up looking like the fool.

This isn’t what you need.

#3 Referring to a time they can relate to

When you are in the middle of a chat with a narcissist, you might be telling them all about your problem.

You can speak up about all the ways life is stressing you out, or how you’re being treated or what you went through.

I urge you to be aware of the following phrases:

Oh yeah, that happens to me all the time.

That reminds me of a time I…

I know what you mean. When I…

I statements come flooding through thick and fast. They silence you, because if you aren’t talking, that must mean the narcissist is.

Any excuse for them to speak about themselves means you aren’t really getting much back in terms of empathy or even knowing they’re listening to you. 

This isn’t help. It’s you needing a friend or a pillar of support and ending up being the one doing the supporting. 

#4 Taking over everything

You reach out to ask for a little help, and suddenly, you are stuck in a situation that’s left you with no choices. 

Effectively, what you do when you ask a narcissist for help is hand them the controls.

They don’t see the role they need to slip into, where you call upon them and they give you a little support. They see:

I can’t do this. Please do it for me.

You stand by and watch as they do everything they can to make what you need work in a way they want it to work. 

And no, there’s nothing more frustrating, because this was not what you asked for.

You try to speak up, but you’re told to be quiet in one way or another. The narcissist calls you ungrateful, and makes you feel guilty, so you keep quiet and let them carry on. 

#5 Making decisions without you

A narcissist will never see you as important enough to ask about something before a decision is made.

If you live with one, expect them to pick out all the colors and themes of the house, without running them by you first.

I knew you’d be busy with work.

You have enough going on. 

I didn’t want to stress you out even more.

They think they’re doing you a favor, and they’re using you as your own weapon, here.

They want it to look like, “I did this all by myself without checking with you first because I care about you.”

In actual fact, it shows nothing but disrespect, but they know that already. 

They’re only bothered about having everything their way, and if you pick it out as a problem ,then you’re the problem.

#6 Deciding what’s best for you, and convincing you of it

Come on, you know you love to do this.

I know you. I know this won’t last.

I know you better than anybody, trust me, this is a great idea.

You are too good for this.

You aren’t good enough for that.

At this point, the narcissist may as well be keeping you on a leash and walking you every day, because that’s how limited they’re making your life and decisions that should be yours. 

The worst part of it all is how convincing they are, and just what kinds of lengths they will go to, in order to get what they want from you. 

That’s right, it was never about you. The hardest part of that truth is that you know their view is that they’re helping you, and if you raise it as an issue, you are the one ruining the progress of that help. 

#7 Money, money, money

This is probably the worst way of all, because the narcissist never forgets the money they loan out.

If you need help, no matter what that might be, the narcissist will always be quick to put their hand in their pocket.

For them, this moment isn’t about giving you support, it’s about giving themselves more control.

They hand you the loan, knowing full well they’ve got this held over you in the future.

After everything I’ve done for you.

All that money I gave you.

You still haven’t paid me back.

 Did that out of the good of my heart. 

You hear it constantly, and it spins around your mind, echoing the guilt you feel for even approaching them in the first place. 

This isn’t helping, but the narcissist will pretend it is because they think money is the answer – and weapon – to everything. 

#8 Telling somebody a secret you told them

They told me they have $40k in savings. 

I suggested that they invest it in property. 

Then comes:

Why did you tell people how much I have saved?

Followed by:

I was talking to them to ask if I suggested the right thing for you. They’re property developers, so I wanted to make sure I got my facts right!

In reality, the narcissist was gossiping about your finances. They tried to justify it and make you feel bad for questioning them, but you saw it as a betrayal of trust, and quite rightly so. 

It’s never easy to ask a narcissist for help, and expect them to keep quiet when you tell them secrets you openly declare you want to remain between the two of you.

People usually only trust a narcissist like this once before they realize they cannot share anything with them.

It is not helpful to gossip. Not ever.