Rarely should victims take the blame for something that has happened between them and their narcissist.
In fact, I’d say 99.9% of the time, the problem is at their fault, not yours.
Narcissists will still find ways to make you apologize for things they did, and I would say the way they do that does nothing for your self-esteem or version of reality.
Let’s check in with 8 ways narcissists do this, in the hope that you can shine a light on how you’re being treated right now.
#1 The guilt trip
When you’re made to feel guilty, you’re walking the narcissist into an apology that you shouldn’t be making.
And you know, it works every single damn time with them.
You know, you push me to do these things.
You stress me out so much it’s no wonder I go flying off the handle from time to time.
Hold on a second, what is this? You cannot blame somebody for something you did, yet a narcissist will blame and blame ‘til the cows come home.
Victims carry so much guilt with them, and it’s so easy for the narcissist to pile even more onto them when the timing suits them.
#2 The gaslight
Wanting to know what is real and what is not is normal. Victims aren’t able to distinguish between real and fake all the while the narcissist is lurking around gaslighting them though.
It happens so frequently that that narcissist knows they’re in control of every aspect of this torrid game.
They convince you that you’re going mad, or that you’re too sensitive. They convince you that you’re wrong, or you didn’t remember something correctly.
And then where does that lead? It leads you to say how sorry you are.
You fall over yourself to make things right, and admit that you can be a little prone to sensitivity and you promise to change and be better for next time.
If you’re saying that, what is the narcissist saying for being the person in the actual wrong?
Nothing! They don’t need to say a word!
#3 The blame-shift
I wouldn’t have cheated if you had paid me any attention!
You had me looking for your keys last night so yes, I forgot to take out the trash.
Little excuses that the narcissist seems to think lets them off the hook, meanwhile, the narcissist gets to blame you for everything you do wrong.
Does that seem fair? No.
Is it even true? No again!
Blaming you is a far easier game than blaming themselves, and that’s why the narcissist loves to do it.
If you are in the spotlight, then they can sit in the darkness and have the things they do wrong be forgotten or not even seen.
When you are blamed, they can hold it against you forever, but if you were to blame them, it would fracture their perfect image, and there’s not coming back from that for either of you.
#4 The victim game
I have had such a hard time lately.
The stress has really been getting to me.
I was so sick last week, I just didn’t think.
I try so hard to make it work between us.
I give up so much for you, I just want you to notice the work I put in.
It all sounds so wonderful, doesn’t it?
Congratulations to the narcissist for being so holier-than-thou.
As it stands, the narcissist will always try to be as much of a victim as they can be because they know the blame will halt and you will end up apologizing.
I had no idea you were struggling so much.
I am so grateful for everything you do.
Where would I be without you?
Yeah, right.
If you were wronged, you were wronged. If you are owed an apology, it should come.
#5 The silent treatment
The silent treatment is an evil way to treat somebody, and it is one of my biggest bug bears that I heard about when you contact me. It is weak, pathetic, and childish, just like the narcissist.
When they have done something wrong, they love to use silence as a weapon for you to think it was you.
You pitter patter around them, like you’re trying to dodge emotional land mines, and all the while they love watching you so anxious.
You ask them:
Is something wrong?
If I did something, at least tell me so I can say I’m sorry.
Can we talk about this?
Are you made?
I don’t want to have a bad day with you.
I love you too much to hurt you.
All the words are giving the narcissist all the power, and the lack of apology from them lets them off the hook big time.
#6 Projection
Projection is a classic toll narcissists use to make you apologize for things you haven’t done.
Taking the blame away from them, they will yell at you all the ways they think you’re acting, when in reality, all they’re doing is telling you the ways they act.
It’s a common way for narcissists to behave, and as you are being shown this mirror and being forced to see yourself in it, the narcissist is hiding behind it laughing.
This is not mature at all, in fact, it is downright abusive.
#7 Overreaction to you
How dare you accuse me!
My God! Can’t I get one day of peace?
I cannot believe this!
Get out! You’re so annoying!
Leave me alone!
You’ve done enough damage!
My goodness, who woke the beast, right? The narcissist is perfect at yelling and overreacting to you when you’re looking for an apology, and their moods will intimidate you into stepping back and staying silent.
That’s what they want, and why their moods are so well-timed.
If I were you, I would watch them very carefully, as they love to act all high and mighty just to sidestep their faults.
They owe you an apology, and they’re doing all they can to get away with it.
#8 Rewriting what happened
When a narcissist rewrites what they did, they will always minimize what actually happened.
They will push you into believing that they’re not to blame, or that they didn’t do the majority of what you think they did.
It’s a sneaky way of behaving, and it always lets them off the hook when they should actually be accountable for what they did.
I firmly believe the rewriting of the past is a way of the narcissist gaslighting their victims, and they do it so convincingly that you’re talked into thinking what they’re saying is right.
This is where it’s so important to hold onto your version of reality, and know that they can’t sway you to think any other way.
If you can trust yourself more without the narcissist stealing your experiences from you and reshaping them to suit their needs, then you will win more and more during times like this, and that can only be a good thing.
So do it more, and show them that you will not be messed with!
