I feel sorry for anybody who is born to narcissistic parents. There is a heavy sense of pressure on a child, even young ones, to conform, comply, and contain the abuse.
What should be a happy family slowly gets torn apart by narcissistic mothers in particular.
They are supposed to be nurturing role models; the kind of people who inspire as well as comfort their children.
When that doesn’t happen, the family falls apart, and I think these 8 ways they do it will really open your eyes to the tragic reality many have to face.
#1 She neglects her kids
When I say neglect, I don’t always mean the obvious ways a parent may neglect their child.
There’s food on the table, clean sheets on the bed, and a full wardrobe of well-fitted, quality clothes.
Emotionally? That’s where it all starts to fall apart. She’s absent. When you go to her, there’s no real listening, no comfort, no feeling of safety and security; no support.
Any need you have is converted to you being dramatic, so you learn from an early age to just stop asking.
As you handle things alone, you grow to feel disassociated from the family dynamic, and you are seen as an outsider.
In reality, your narcissistic mother made you that way, and will never take any blame for it.
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This loneliness will only lead to more fracturing of your family, but it was never your fault.
#2 Her absence is constantly justified: priorities that aren’t you
Narcissistic mothers always make themselves busy, and that can mean you as their child becomes a non-priority.
It shouldn’t be that way at all, but this is what narcissists do. They create a life, and you are the smallest portion of it.
Work, friends, drama, hobbies; there seems to be no room for them being a parent, and your self-worth takes a huge tumble because of it.
When you do ask for connection, you’re labelled selfish or needy, or too demanding.
As you live like you’re an option, you learn to just exist in the family dynamic, and that is the same for everybody else in it to some extent.
#3 She picks her favorite child…
In any narcissistic family, there is always one child who shines; the golden child.
This is the child who represents the narcissist the best, but in reality, this all boils down to obedience. They do as they’re told, and all is well in the world.
The favorite gets showered with warmth and attention, and anybody else is compared to them.
Why can’t you be more like…?
Families shouldn’t be in competition with each other, but narcissistic mothers create this wedge, and it can cause real fallout later in life.
#4 …As well as the scapegoat
Then there’s the other end of the scale:
The scapegoat.
This child carries the blame. They are known by the narcissistic mother as difficult, too much and far too sensitive.
This child – and maybe it was you – becomes the emotional dumping ground.
It is very possible for children to live under the same roof with the same parents and have completely different experiences growing up, and this is a prime example of that.
As the scapegoat grows up hyperaware, confused and ashamed, they grow far apart from the golden child.
One is targeted, while the other is put on a pedestal, and that is a split that doesn’t heal with ease.
#5 Everything becomes your fault
And I mean everything. You spill milk, and suddenly you’re disrespecting the earnings of the narcissistic mother.
You make a mistake, and instead of using them as chances to learn and grow, your narcissistic mother, over time, turns them into real flaws of your character.
In her world, she’s never wrong, so she needs to blame somebody when things do go pear-shaped. It’s easy to do that with you, and so you take it all.
That’s a heavy burden to carry as a child, and it’s in no way supportive of a healthy family dynamic in the long run.
When you feel to blame, the shame and guilt are a lot to live with, but this doesn’t have to be that way, if only your narcissistic mother would just hold her hands up and admit wrong.
That’ll never happen, so the alternative is you living this life of feeling as though all the fractures in the family are down to you.
That’s far from fair.
#6 She will triangulate
Narcissists never address issues directly. Instead, they look at what they have to work with, and start playing the evil, twisted game of triangulation.
She said this about you.
Your brother thinks you’re this.
Your sister was telling me the other day that she finds you annoying.
Why can’t you be more like them?
Of course, these comments all by themselves are trouble, but they hit differently over time, when on repeat.
Before you know it, you are resenting people who are likely to be innocent, the same as they may resent you unnecessarily, too.
From one misunderstanding to the next, division occurs, and it’s the narcissistic mother who is responsible for it all.
But here’s the worst part:
All the while you are arguing with somebody for what you heard, your narcissistic mother gets off scot-free.
The attention is off her, and she sits back and watches the fireworks with a smug look on her face.
What kind of mother does that?
Sadly, they are out there.
#7 She will suck the life out of her children
It goes without saying that a narcissistic mother will suck all life out of her kids.
Her needs are absolutely endless, and eventually, the children become the parent as they have to comfort her and stabilize her moods over the years.
Children should live in their childhood, and enjoy every minute of it.
Instead, they end up growing up too fast, and that breaks the family apart because it then becomes what it shouldn’t be: unhealthy and dysregulated.
There is resentment to be felt for all of that, and that’s what many victims end up experiencing in adult life.
#8 Her rules equate to the family’s entire dynamic
A narcissistic mother will ensure that her moods set the tone for the entire house.
Her version of reality is what eventually wins, and her opinions become the rules you have to abide by.
This isn’t leadership, this is pure control. You shouldn’t have to tiptoe around her just to keep her calm and you compliant.
Over time, the functionality of the family breaks down because of this. It’s impossible for a family to operate healthily if they’re too focused on making sure they don’t create drama or chaos for their narcissistic mother, that’s not right at all.
Over time it becomes clear:
Live by the rules of your narcissistic mother, or expect hell in return.
It’s no wonder this is yet another way a family can be slowly broken apart.
Adapting to a toxic person’s needs and wants only adds gravitas to the idea that they are the center of everything and the most important person on the planet.
They aren’t.
