Sometimes, we all need to tell ourselves some truths. If we haven’t got a good friend or relative rooting for us, it can be hard to know what the right thing to say or do is.
That’s why it’s important to think about what you need to repeat to yourself when you want to go back to the narcissist.
That millisecond you’re tempted to repeat past mistakes, think again.
“I can do this. I can stay away from the narcissist.”
#1 “I am chasing the fantasy, not the reality”
The mind can be very good at playing the highlights of a particular memory rather than the full game.
You recall the charm and passion. You think about the laughter, and how beautifully intense those first weeks and months were.
But you know what else it does? It edits out the anxiety you felt, and how confused the narcissist made you.
The mixed signals, the emotional crashes that meant you were either up so high, or down in the dirt.
The truth is, the whole period of time you were with them was hell and now your mind is painting it through rose-tinted glasses.
What you actually miss is the relationship you were always hoping for, not the one you got and lived through. Think about this:
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If your fantasy were real, you wouldn’t have spent so much time hurting.
Stop craving what you invented, and start realizing that what you miss, was never authentic.
#2 “If they were a good person, I wouldn’t be feeling so confused”
When you are involved in a healthy relationship, everything feels so crystal clear. There is a clarity there because nothing is hidden, and there’s no distortion. What you had was real, what you miss is just as so.
The brain can work overtime to try to solve puzzles that exist, but those puzzles are only there because they were applied by the narcissist.
No real relationship should ever need you to solve problems or fix issues.
The reason you feel you had to was because your experience with the narcissists was inconsistent, and you had to constantly react to their latest mood outburst.
Love shouldn’t feel as though you’re missing a piece of you. Reflecting on that will be what pulls you through in the long run.
#3 “I was addicted to the highs, but it wasn’t love”
Periods of intensity might feel powerful at the time, but they were only draws to keep you close and bonded with the narcissist.
It was their way of trying to convince you that there’s nobody else quite like them in the world, and without them, life would be empty and boring.
Your body reacted to all of that. The rushes of dopamine when things were going well, and the relief when they were in a good mood and professed their love for you. The hope felt real, but there were always lows that followed.
It goes to show that you were never loved, despite wishing you were. You were, instead, hooked to a relationship that you wanted to be real, but that was far from it.
Love doesn’t withdraw when it suits, and it isn’t a cycle. You weren’t addicted to the person involved, you were just addicted to what comes next. Constantly waiting for the good, and living in your own wishes.
#4 “I wasn’t misunderstood, I was neglected”
I know over time you may have tried to explain yourself to the narcissist. Every feeling and need was laid out on the table, and your boundaries were even surrendered.
This wasn’t just one time, it was over and over again, and you believed if you acted just the right way, things would be okay. They would finally understand you.
It never happened. You were not misunderstood, you were neglected, all throughout your time of knowing them.
Even when you were swept off your feet, there were parts of you that will have still felt empty.
This wasn’t an accidental miscommunication, it was a strategic game play from the narcissist, who never intended on getting to know you for who you are, but to pick out your strengths and turn them into weaknesses.
Asking for and expecting basic love and care in a relationship isn’t asking for too much.
#5 “I miss them, but that doesn’t mean they were healthy for me”
It’s perfectly natural to miss somebody, but the attachment behind missing somebody is harder to shake.
The memories you shared and the routines you fell into. The dreams you had about your future together (even if they were yours alone) all have to be grieved.
There will be an ache present, and that’s harder to get over because of all the time and energy you ploughed into wanting the relationship to work.
But…
Missing somebody is not evidence that it was necessarily good for you. It’s not the piece of the puzzle you need in order to turn back time and start all over again with them.
It is possible to miss a person and still understand how much of your peace they stole from you.
#6 “If I go back, I would be restarting the cycle, not healing”
It’s easy to think that going back to the narcissist would be a relief for you. You fall into the same patterns, it’s familiar, comforting and predictable, even if it was chaotic.
But familiar doesn’t necessarily mean safe. Nothing would start again for the first time, it would just be business as usual.
The charm and tension would return in equal doses, and that’s confirmation that you wouldn’t be returning to love, but instead, abuse.
I know healing can feel lonely at first, but the only way you can fully move on is if you spend that time in those difficult moments where you are untangling what happened.
#7 “I deserve a safe kind of love”
Love doesn’t sit in survival mode; it thrives. You shouldn’t have to shrink to fit somebody’s expectation of you.
Safe love feels calm, and that’s because it is. There is respect present, and it feels mutual.
Love isn’t bracing yourself for the next wave of anger or silence.
You deserve to find the kind of love that soothes your nervous system, not wreck it.
Relaxing in that feeling is the best thing for a broken heart, but that will come in time, and in the future, not by going back to what broke you.
#8 “Being lonely doesn’t mean visiting the past”
Loneliness is not a ship that should guide and sail you back to a time you felt like you had something real.
You have to adjust to the space that appears after a relationship ends. It will pass, and I cannot stress that enough.
You aren’t meant to go back to a place and time that broke your spirit, because that’s not who you are. Repeat to yourself:
I will not visit the past in this lonely feeling I have.
You owe it to yourself to give another chance to your heart. Know that you can do it, and sit in the emptiness, because what comes next is so much more fulfilling.
