You think you’ve found the person of your dreams, but there are gaps in your relationship that you can’t make sense of.
Something doesn’t seem quite right, and you’re sure it means something big.
Could it be that the narcissist in your life is living a secret life without you?
Here are 8 signs that they are doing that. If they tick your boxes, you definitely have some thinking to do.
#1 They have a secretive phone… or a second phone
You notice them hiding their phone a lot more lately.
They’ve changed their password, and made it so that whenever they do leave it lying around, they leave it either on flight mode or ‘do not disturb.’
They want you to think that they’re being open by leaving it on the side, but in reality, they’re tricking you.
The phone is unable to receive anything.
Or maybe, they have acquired a second phone. The excuse might be that it’s for work, but let’s be clear, that’s not going to be the case at all.
As your own suspicions rouse, the narcissist will work hard to assure you that nothing is going on, and everything’s innocent enough.
Does that get you off their back? Possibly. But these are both clear signs the narcissist is hiding something from you, and that may just be a potential double life that you know nothing about.
#2 Out late, no explanation
They get home hours after they promise to be back, and they’ve very little to say about it.
You ask, but they shrug and say work got held up, or they got caught up talking to their friend.
You want to believe them, but it happens all too frequently for your liking, and you suspect something else is going on underneath it all.
If anybody that you’re with is out late without even having the decency to inform you or let you know in advance, then they’re purposely not bothered about how you feel about it.
Keeping the real reason why they’re late from you can spell disaster, and if I were you, I would be very suspicious about what they’re doing behind your back.
#3 Check those statements and receipts…
Thumbing through statements and receipts will give you a very detailed idea about what the narcissist is spending their money on, and where they are spending it.
I’ve heard horror stories of everything from:
- Expensive meals out
- Receipts for hotels
- Weekend vacation deposits
- Paying bills that have nothing to do with you or your home and relationship
- Designer clothing receipts with nothing to show for it
- Lingerie payments where you have been gifted nothing
There are so many ways a narcissist can pay for their secret life, and you won’t suspect a thing until you see the extent of the damage they’ve caused.
Checking your statements and receipts that are lying around or kept in that drawer you never look in is so vital if you want to piece the puzzle together.
#4 Love-bombing you when you suspect
When you do raise the issue that you think something may be going on behind your back, it’s usual protocol for the panicked narcissist to start throwing love in your face to derail your (correct) assumptions.
They will want to remind you how much they love you in the hope you’ll fall for it all and give them the freedom to continue to do whatever it is they’re doing.
Except to receive all kinds of lavish attention or material goods to try to win you over.
If you aren’t falling in love with them all over again, then they’re not doing a good enough job of manipulating and gaslighting you.
The truth is, what you suspect is the reality.
#5 The pattern of never getting the explanation
When you try to confront the narcissist about whether or not they’re leading some kind of secret life without you, you never really get answers. You want them, and you ask for them, but they’re always somehow avoided.
Tell me why you seem so secretive lately. What’s going on?
“Nothing’s going on. I don’t know why you keep asking me.”
I just feel like you’re not really present, and I want to know if it’s anything I’ve done.
“Nothing more than the usual. I just like to have my space. I don’t get why it’s such a big deal.”
But I want to know how you’re feeling so we can talk about it.
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
Conversations like this can go round and round, with no real resolution. If they were really innocent, why won’t they just be more direct with you?
#6 Social media blackout
Changes online are made when there are changes in real life. You might notice the narcissist has stopped talking about you on there, or has stopped uploading photos of you when they once would have.
This kind of blackout is to give out the impression that there is no ‘you’ in their life.
There’s somebody out there who may be watching from a distance, and they want to be able to make it look as though they’re single and free to mingle.
It’s easy if they can be as persuasive as they can.
#7 Sudden change in appearance
This is such an obvious telltale sign that the narcissist is leading a double life that you know nothing about. Small changes might start and lead to bigger ones.
Joining a gym for starters, or getting their hair done more frequently. Perhaps they’ve become somewhat of a sharper dresser.
They are spending more time looking at and investing in products. Smelling better, looking better, skin is better, smile is better – everything is better.
Then there’s the eating. They’re starting to think about hat they’re putting in their bodies, and as a result are becoming more in shape and confident with how they look.
You’re seeing them eat things you have never seen them even talk about. It’s like they’re being inspired by an invisible force that you know nothing about!
Beware – that force is coming from somewhere.
#8 That ‘work retreat’
Oh, this is a classic that I couldn’t let slide on this topic. Narcissists who harbor a secret life will always find an excuse to go away for a few days.
Whether it’s mid-week, or the weekend, they will tell you that they’re heading somewhere important for work.
Some are known to even make it seem as though they’re being forced by their boss to attend a convention they can’t get out of.
You want to know the truth? They’re headed somewhere that has very little or nothing at all to do with work.
This is just an excuse to leave you for a time and meet up with somebody who is at the center of their secret life away from you.
I know it’s painful to think about, but while you’re at home taking care of your responsibilities (and probably theirs, too), they are doing whatever they want with whomever they want.
That’s why using all of these signs as a way to determine what they’re up to should give you a pretty strong answer.
