The quieter a narcissist is, the more dangerous they can be.
We assume they are only at their most toxic when they make all the noise they make, but it’s what’s going on behind all of that we need to keep an eye on.
The more covert narcissists out there will fit these ways perfectly, so how about you give yourself the upper hand and clue up?
Here are 8 scary ways the narcissist knows how to quietly control you.
#1 Going out? I don’t think so…
You will never hear a narcissist demand that you don’t go out unless they are really unbothered by how controlling they sound and come across.
What they instead tend to do is much more covert. Picture you’re looking forward to going out with friends for dinner and drinks, and the narcissist enters the room as you’re getting ready.
They sigh, and tell you what a long, stressful day they had.
It’s alright for you. You’re heading out to unwind. You’re leaving me here by myself and I have no idea what to even do.
Why do you always plan things on days I find so hard?
Did you purposely not do any housework today? You’re leaving me in this mess?
I swear you never want to do anything with me, yet you always see your friends.
Who is going? Why are you friends with them?
You know the score, right? Soon enough, you don’t even want to leave the house, let alone live out any plans you were once excited about.
#2 Wearing what? Sure…
That dress is what you’re wearing? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the color…
That top is going to get you attention that you don’t want.
And trust me, narcissists can say these kinds of things to prevent you from going out, like in point #1.
If their aim is to prevent you from going out at all, or to just wear what they think is suitable, they will speak up.
Remember though, they will almost never say. “I want you to change. I don’t like what you’ve got on.”
For them, this is too much, and doesn’t paint them in a good light. They’d much rather come in from the side and act like they’re concerned by what you’re wearing for some reason.
#3 No rules, just consequences
Narcissists don’t tend to make rules, but there will be consequences you’ve never even heard of when you overstep their warped mind.
If you talk back, prepare for the silent treatment. However, they will never tell you to not talk back.
If you are late home without telling them, they will accuse you of cheating, even though they don’t state that you have to let them know when you’re going to be late.
In other words, go and live your life and do what you feel is right, but don’t expect the narcissist to like or even agree with everything you do, even if it’s totally innocent.
You will never then know what you’re doing wrong, and will never be able to predict when those consequences will come to the surface.
#4 Programmed to not want to see family
When it comes to seeing your family, the narcissist knows that they need to take action, fast.
The more you see them, the more you act like them, the more you listen to their advice, the more you trust them.
Their worst nightmare.
So they ramp up their game and make you feel totally anxious at the thought of seeing them, and the guilt runs through you because they wanted you to go do something else instead.
But you have to ask yourself, why should you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with the people you love?
Something isn’t right if they’re purposely pulling you from your support system.
But wait… It makes sense that they want you to be isolated, doesn’t it?
#5 Feel pathetic for crying?
They will never tell you not to cry, they will just make you feel like you’re the biggest baby in the world if you do.
The rolling of the eyes, or the deep sigh. It’s all enough to make you feel like some kind of burden to them for having emotions that are real that you don’t want to hide.
This control comes from the fact that narcissists find crying too raw and vulnerable for them.
They can’t stand it. So if you dare shed a tear, they will punish you for wearing your heart on your sleeve.
#6 If you say no, you’re a terrible person
Why should you have to worry about saying no, if saying no is what you really want?
Being forced to do something just because it’s what the narcissist expects or demands is a huge red flag, but it’s how they control you.
You go against every part of you that wants what you want, and replace it with what they want.
For what? A peaceful life? To make them happy so they like you for a while?
You aren’t a terrible person for liking what you like and for having boundaries, that’s for sure.
It’s important to have them, and to be aware that you have a voice with every right to use it how you wish.
#7 Money matters … to them
If you’re spending money, the narcissist will find a problem with it. You’re careless, or you aren’t prioritizing them, or you’re wasting it on trash.
When they spend money, they don’t even have to ask you first. They buy what they want without giving you a single second thought, and that’s a hard reality to face, but it’s true.
Money matters to them. The more they have of it, the more they are able to show it off.
They can’t do that if you’re spending it, so they can and will control how you do it.
And yeah, that can look like making you feel guilty to sense a shame if you even spend a dime without their permission or knowledge.
Reminding you of the cost of things when all you want is a cuddle, is a classic way a narcissist controls your closeness and connection.
#8 No physical abuse… until…
I hate to say it, but we have to go there, don’t we?
Physical abuse isn’t always present in a relationship with a narcissist, but the second they use it to control you, they will continue to do so. It will be one other thing you feel like you have to tolerate.
Whether you’re pushed, hit, kicked, slapped, or even tickled until you cry (yes folks, this is til physical abuse), they will not stop once they start.
So many victims say, “I have never been physically abused. The second they do that, I am gone.”
In reality, this is just one form of abuse, and you shouldn’t have to deal with any forms.
The sooner you see it as a way to control you, keep you quiet or obedient, the sooner you wil lbe able to escape from it and build the life for yourself that you really want.
