Whatever happened between you and the narcissist, they were very keen to put it behind them and start afresh. And because you’re you, you forgave them.
Giving them another chance is like asking for trouble.
There’s no way you’re going to see change, and what’s even more troubling are the sadistic things they do the moment you let them off the hook.
You think you’ll see them keep to their word? Think again!
#1 Pick up where they left off
The other chance you so eloquently offer the narcissist is nothing but an invite for them to continue to do exactly what they did before.
Give it time, of course. Nothing will ever immediately happen. I’d say a good day or two, and then you will witness them back on their slippery slope of toxicity, plotting and planning how they will next hurt you.
In short, they don’t care about you, so why would they care what happens next?
As long as you’ve forgiven them and let the past slide, the narcissist smiles to themselves, knowing they’ve yet again gotten away with it.
And your forgiveness is their permission to do it all again.
#2 Give you a few more ‘good days’ before the abuse kicks in again
So those few days before the abuse and manipulation kicks in again are going to be great for you. They will be filled with so much love that you won’t know what to do with yourself.
Those promises will be back. You’ll ‘be taken out somewhere special.’ You’ll ‘get to talk about various vacation plans.’ You’ll be ‘love-bombed’ and treated like royalty. For what?
Victims love to know how special they are. It aligns well with their constant inner hope that everything will work itself out, and the narcissist will eventually see sense and change.
This is not the change you hope for.
This is pacification.
Soon enough, it will be gone once again, and you will be right back here, giving them another chance all over again.
#3 Laugh behind your back
That’s the sad reality for victims, and I hate to sound so cruel, but this is what your abuser is doing to you without you even realizing.
Laughing behind your back because they are taking advantage of your good nature.
Not to mention the fact that they find your constant forgiveness and willing to keep the peace by giving them another chance so weak, it’s hilarious.
I know for you, you will be thinking, “I just want everything to be okay.” For them, they see your need for normality, and will do whatever they can to not give you that.
What the narcissist is laughing at isn’t funny, but it’s always at your expense. Nobody should be with a person who thinks they’re a joke.
You deserve better.
#4 Download a new dating app
Straight back into it, right? Just as you’re smiling to yourself and thinking that you’re both in with another fresh chance to be happy (and loyal), the narcissist is already downloading the next app they will flirt and be inappropriate on.
And you won’t know. They won’t tell you. But the signs will be there. The smiling and texting from across the room, the late-night swiping, the distance that starts to boil up between you all over again.
Narcissists just can’t help themselves. The dating app is to flirt and get attention from strangers because they need constant sources of supply – more than just one – from every angle possible.
You’re the main source, but they need more, and they need backups, too.
So with this, they get the best of both worlds. They get you agreeing to give it another go, and they also get their freedom and ability to do what they want.
#5 Test your loyalty
When you weren’t even the one who did anything wrong, you will be up for all the loyalty tests the narcissist can think of.
How do I know that you haven’t found somebody else to be with?
Are you going to spend time with your friends, or are you going to make more time for us this time around?
Like you were to blame all along? No way! You were the innocent party, yet you’ve been pushed to a corner where you are viewed as almost as guilty as them!
The whole point of you giving them another chance was so that they could prove themselves, not you!
Your loyalty never waivered, yet even now in the aftermath of their betrayal, you are being shown ways you can show up, when it should be them looking for ways they can show up for you.
#6 Undermine your confidence
Right when you’re probably at your lowest in terms of confidence, the narcissist will do everything they can to make it even lower.
Your confidence suffered because you were told you were loved, yet treated like you didn’t matter.
That’s not how relationships work, but yet they’re back to belittling you, criticizing, spreading gossip about you, and being their usual sarcastic selves.
You’ve been to hell and back, and it’s as if no apology or remorse was ever established.
You thought, “This is a great chance to feel confident in my choice to stay, but instead, there’s absolutely nothing to show you that the narcissist meant what they said when they told you how much they love you and want your forgiveness.
Right when you thought your hope was fruiting into some kind of wonderful reality, it’s taken away from you again.
#7 Plan their next betrayal
Far be it from me to assume incorrectly, but I know on this occasion, I am right on the money.
No sooner have you opened your arms and accepted their pathetic apology, you are watching them walk away and plan their very next betrayal.
Prepare for that, because it’s not going to be as far away as you think it will be. In fact, I’d bet hard that they already have that person mentally lined up.
This goes to show one thing:
The narcissist is more interested in what they gain rather than how to build something meaningful with you.
It’s never going to be about you and your future with them. It’s about gaining as many sources of supply as possible and living to serve their over-inflated ego.
#8 Use intimacy as a weapon
It’s easy to be physically intimate. Anybody can jump between the sheets and have a good time, but what if you knew the truth about narcissistic intimacy?
The truth is, they use intimacy as a weapon. They withhold it when they want to, or punish you.
But on the flip side, they provide it in large doses when they want to sweeten you up.
If you are in doubt of their love for you, they will prove it and prove it via physical closeness of any kind rather than have an honest, deep conversation that they can stick to and mean.
For you, anything is good enough. For them, they do what’s easy, and what keeps their emotions out of it.
