When I mention the word guilt to you, what feelings does that conjure up?
Do you feel guilty about leaving somebody who has hurt you the most? Do you feel an ounce of loyalty to them? Why would that be?
Narcissistic abuse is complex, and with it comes many feelings that may not be healthy for you to carry, and guilt is indeed, one of them.
Let’s look at 8 reasons why you may feel guilty leaving somebody who hurts you the most.
#1 You’ve been taught to feel guilt
Being taught to feel guilt can come from many situations where the narcissist has manipulated you into holding the blame for things you haven’t done.
Even though, let’s not forget, his is a person who has hurt you the most out of everybody you know and have met, and they still make you feel heavy with a burden that’s not yours to carry.
Narcissist do this by:
- Shifting the blame onto you
- Projecting their fault ont you, telling you that they did it “because of you”
- Telling you that the smallest things are all down to the way you handle life
Over time with a narcissist, they make it easier and easier for you to shoulder guilt, because they learn what works when it comes to laying blame and gaslighting you.
#2 You wish you’d stuck around longer in hope of change
Let me tell you as straight as I can:
You will not ever change a narcissist, no matter how long you stay, hope, pray and wish.
I don’t care what they’ve tried to convince you or tell you, but you cannot change them.
They are who they are. Sure, they can tell you that you need to do this or that in order for them to be happy, and you do those things. Are they then happy?
No, they are not.
Sticking around for longer will only prolong the misery.
#3 You feel as though maybe it was your fault
You might feel it was your fault that they hurt you, but I want you to remind yourself of all the small and big acts you tried to do to please them.
Even when they were mocking you, criticizing you, telling you that you were worthless, shredding your confidence up into tiny pieces; you still loved them, and you still wanted to try to make it better.
You would apologize after doing nothing wrong, you would feel bad for their moods because they would tell you they’re unhappy because you did something wrong.
None of it was your fault.
#4 You feel bad for what could have been
The one person who ruined the relationship was the narcissist, the same way they ruin all relationships.
You take the weight of responsibility for the trajectory of your relationship, thinking, “If I just had more patience, they would have stuck around.”
No thank you. This is now how we do things around here.
We teach victims and survivors that they were never the problem. The trouble is, it takes a lot of work to undo the thoughts these people have when they leave a narcissist.
Even though they;ve been hurt and pushed to feel regular emotional pain, they still have regrets.
If only I’d…
Why didn’t I…
I should have…
No. There was nothing you could do to prevent them causing you pain.
They are narcissists; it’s what they do for a living. If it wasn’t you, it would have been somebody else along the line, as it will in the future.
#5 You’ve been programmed
That’s what all of this tends to boil down to: years of being programmed by the narcissist to believe you’re the one who causes all the problems.
Meanwhile, they are the real problem, yet act as though they’re the solution.
I know, I know. The double standards are incredible, as well as sickening.
Being programmed by a narcissist takes time, it won’t happen overnight. It’s a big project of theirs to transform you in all the worst ways, and it has to be drip fed to you otherwise you will notice what’s happening and bolt.
The reason you hold onto so much guilt is down to how long you’ve been manipulated by them.
#6 You feel like you let other people down
Why don’t you have many friends?
Don’t you think it’s unfair to let people down?
I think you seem really okay with doing your own thing, regardless of what others expect of you.
Suddenly, your shoulders lift nervously.
They’re right.
You do let people down. You do disappoint those who are closest to you… at least that’s what you think.
You’re wrong, though. It’s all down to the expectations the narcissist has of you, and the impossibility of meeting them.
It’s no wonder you feel like you can’t do anything right or good enough when you have goalposts that are constantly moved, making you feel worthless.
#7 You listen to their enablers: “They really loved you”
Oh, the enablers. And we don’t talk about these enough in my eyes, but you know who I’m referring to.
I mean the people who stand by the narcissist, and make excuses for their behavior. The types of people who condone, rather than condemn.
They really did love you, you know.
They did everything they could to make it work.
You know they thought the world of you.
If only you could have found a way to get on with them.
If only you gave them that chance.
Why was it down to you, when in reality the narcissist knew you would ultimately lose?
The enablers don’t know what they’re talking about, they just think they know everything because they’ve been given the narcissistic viewpoint of the story.
Which we all know is nothing but lies, lies, and more lies.
#8 The smear campaign worked
When you end your time with a narcissist, or they end it with you, there will inevitably be a smear campaign started up against you.
The narcissist does this, roping in people you both know, and giving them a very one-sided viewpoint of both you as a person, and the relationship you had.
When a smear campaign works, you can expect to be isolated from people you once thought were friends or loved ones.
People will avoid you in the street because they heard that you are crazy or abusive. It will be difficult, because you’ll want to yell and scream, and protest your innocence.
The smear campaign will be led by inaccuracies that lead you to feel guilty for how things ended.
Even though the person you are no longer with was a lying, cheating, manipulative narcissist who hurt you so much, you’ll still feel guilt.
When a campaign works, fingers will point at you.
You caused this.
You were needy.
You didn’t let them be themselves.
You were abusive.
You were manipulative.
You were the liar.
You were too opinionated.
You’ll believe the comments, and lean into the kind of guilt that you just can’t erase, despite knowing the truth deep down.
