You want your kids to love you more than anything, but mostly, you want your kids to know right from wrong.
If they’re being mistreated by your narcissistic ex and turned against you, you’ll start to see distance come between you and more conflict being laid out on the line.
But there are reasons why this happens, and it’s usually down to the narcissist turning them against you.
There’s a way to fight back, because let me tell you, the narcissist will never stop trying to do this. Here are 8 reasons why.
#1 They fear abandonment
If you think about it, it makes sense for the insecure narcissist to turn your kids against you, because they’d rather that than have it the other way around.
In their own warped minds, there’s not a thought worse than not speaking to their kids.
If that were to happen, it’d be down to you and how manipulative they think you can be.
So they get in there first.
That abandonment will just not be an option. Fighting for every last piece of love and affection your kids have for them will be top of their list of priorities.
#2 They really enjoy causing pain
It can sometimes be as simple as the narcissist loves to cause pain. Seeing you react to the division sends positive waves of joy down their spine, so it becomes an act they follow through on regularly just to ease you out of your comfort.
You like to know that you’ve got a good connection with your kids, and if that can be ruptured in any way, the narcissist will be the one to do it.
#3 They can see children as extensions
If you have kids, they should be seen as their own people, with their own interests and dislikes.
Not for narcissists! They love to use them as pure extensions of themselves.
Often they get their kids to live out dreams they wish they’d undertaken.
They should like and value the same things otherwise they’re somehow punished.
It’s no wonder they love to divide you from them by trying to make them more like them.
#4 They get to use triangulation
Your mom never likes it when you do this.
I know your dad gets impatient with you as he told me.
It’s frightening how triangulation can work so well, and victims just don’t see it coming.
But that’s the exact way to turn somebody against another person, and narcissists are professionals at it.
This is hard for the parent on the receiving end, who feels they have to constantly prove themselves to their own kids.
#5 They love to play the victim
Why are you treating dad like this?
Mom gets really upset when you aren’t on time, and she even cries.
Dad isn’t to blame here.
Mom has been really unwell, you need to give her a break.
What do you even do when you can see with your own eyes just how much your narcissistic ex is getting under your kid’s skin?
Playing the victim will always work because they’re so darn good at it. You have to keep a step ahead and keep a great line of communication open with your kids so you are able to defend yourself and come out stronger when this happens.
Only then will you stand a chance at winning.
#6 They can punish rebellion
Why do the children think they can get away with everything?
What are you teaching them?
I’m worried for them.
Is it rebellion you’re teaching them, or how to stand up for themselves and fight against systems that try to keep them small?
Kids need our support and knowledge to help them decide right from wrong, and it isn’t subjective.
If your narcissistic ex is pushing you as the reason your kids are rebelling, it’s either down to you teaching them how to stand up, or you never know, it might just be because they are rebelling against your ex!
#7 They can smear you subtly
A smear campaign is the ultimate way narcissists turn people against you. When your name is slung across town like its mud, you will inevitably get those who will believe every word that falls out of their mouths.
Now imagine this happening with your own kids. When they are in your car, expect the narcissist to use your name in vain, with comments such as:
Your mother was always like this. So difficult.
You know, he isnt as innocent as he makes out.
If only you knew the truth.
Your mom can be a really nasty person when she wants to be.
She always used to tell me how horrible I was even though all I did was work hard to keep the family together.
Little subtle drops like this will ensure your children think differently of you.
#8 They hate co-parenting equality
Why should anything be equal when it comes to you and them? This can’t be fair or right!
The narcissist is the one who is better than anybody else, therefore they automatically have more rights than you.
When you co-parent with a narcissist, this equal resentment can enable them to turn your own kids against you.
Why won’t your mom let you? That’s ridiculous.
Well, you’re in my care now, so if you want to do that, you can.
Sure. I’m not as strict as your dad.
I can see it’s something you really want, and I don’t have a problem with you getting it, so get it.
You see how comments can cause a child to naturally feel gravitated toward the parent who is giving them what they want?
It’s the one good part of having to share, and a good opportunity for them to manipulate their kids to prefer them, not you.
The fight back!
Narcissists are relentless in their pursuit to turn your kids against you. It won’t stop because they get older, and they won’t go any easier on them if they’re younger.
A huge part of this is wanting to control how you feel, even after you’ve broken up.
You ended a lot of that control because you initiated that divorce, and so the narcissist tries to claw some of it back by treating your kids like pawns in a chess game.
There’s never any honest and authentic love with them, so the fight back has to be how you parent.
Allow them space and respect their identity.
Choose to support them, even when you are not their favorite person.
Let them have the freedom to be who they want to be.
Implement rules that support them, especially when it comes to education or hobbies.
Show up without any kind of desire to be thanked.
Understand what it’s like for kids to be apart from both parents at the same time.
Offer them kindness and compassion, blended with encouragement and rules to live by.
The fight back doesn’t need to be raised fists in a boxing ring. The fight can be how you parent correctly, and keep a level of consistency that your kids need.
