Hold on a second. Did I just see the narcissist in your life being nice to all those people over there not ten minutes after they told you that you look disgusting in that dress?
Oh no. This won’t do. Yet sadly it comes as no big surprise.
The narcissist is in fact more interested in keeping up their image to everybody else than ensuring you are happy in your relationship with them.
But why? Here are 8 reasons.
Public image
Hey, if there’s an opportunity to look good in front of everybody, the narcissist will take the lead and allow their pseudo-kindness to trick people. And the trick is simple.
“Believe that I am this wonderful, good person who loves to help without even being asked, or nothing.” And people do believe what they see.
There’s really no other reason for them to think otherwise if presented with a fragment of evidence that works in the narcissist’s interests.
Public image means everything to them. The more they’re liked, the less likely those people will believe them when you turn around and say, “This person is toxic.”
You’ll see confused looks.
Really? They don’t seem anything of the sort!
Yeah. Because you’ve had the wool pulled over your eyes!
You’re their emotional outlet
If a narcissist was to write a book about themselves, there would be a whole chapter labelled:
I say what I like to my partner to let it all out, so I can give my best to everybody else.
You’re the emotional punching bag. You’re the reason they can let it all out and start again calmly with others.
When nobody else can understand what you tolerate, by default you’ve already been isolated.
And you don’t realize this at the time, but it’s so damaging to be the only person who sees the real narcissist.
They yell, shout and scream at you, then paint on the smile.
“There. That feels better.”
Yeah, of course it does. And now you have to pick up the pieces and watch them be kind, even to strangers.
Confusion and control
The cruelest part of it all is how confused it makes you, am I right? You are constantly trying to add up all the facts to get some kind of sum, but you just can’t get it right.
In order to control you, the narcissist has to come up with a plan. That plan has to confuse you, otherwise you’d be not easily controlled.
It’s not difficult to make somebody with a low sense of self worth feel even less important than they already do.
That’s the fun part the narcissist likes to play with, and why you always end up coming worse off.
Testing your boundaries
Your boundaries will be weak if the narcissist in your life is allowed to get away with doing whatever they want.
If you want them to be stronger, you need to stand up to the way the narcissist mistreats you. Instead, you want to please them, so you let them.
In turn, they dive right into that role and treat your boundaries like they’re worthless.
They pretty much are if they’re being ignored. That’s why it’s wise to implement them and keep to them, rather than make them up as you go along and freely let them go when the narcissist comes anywhere close to you.
Keep them!
Devaluation and Idealization Cycle
It all starts to make sense when you gain knowledge of the narcissistic cycle of abuse.
It’s all premeditated, and it all means something to the narcissist. With them knowing exactly what they’re doing, you’ll see them flit between these two stages – devaluation and idealization – you can’t be both at the same time…
…But a narcissist can have people in those stages at the same time. That’s why it’s easy for them to treat you with such disrespect while simultaneously being overtly kind and generous with other people.
It’s worrying to me that they can do this, and nearly always it ends up with you, the victim, being treated unfairly.
And I know there’s a part of you that’s probably really used to this treatment, but that doesn’t make it right.
Jealousy and competition
Jealousy rears its ugly head with narcissists more than just a little bit, and this is a classic time where a narcissist will treat how they feel about you so obviously.
Their cruelty can come from something you have that they want, or something you’ve achieved or are doing that’s taking the bright, shining light of attention away from them.
To rub it in even more, the narcissist will use whoever else happens to be around to rub it in, making you feel even more attacked by them.
They will be overly nice to people, pay compliments, even congratulate them for their achievements knowing you can see it all.
What kind of confusion is this? It feels even more hurtful to know that you’re with them because they say they love you, and that’s the underlying worrying theme throughout this topic, isn’t it?
Love isn’t cruel, yet the narcissist makes it feel like so because they’re always doing something to treat you that way.
You are not the competition, nr should you ever be.
They feel safe to show their true self when they are alone with you
The contrast alone can make you question your reality. They smile at the waiter, yet snap at you the moment you get into the car on the way home. Remember, with you, there’s no applause.
There’s no way to get that first impression of them back, and usually people are so charmed by that when it comes to narcissists.
It’s easy to get that with strangers, so showing their true self to them is a huge no.
However, that won’t stop them from feeling safe enough around you to fully let their guard down and show who they really are, and it;s you who has to tolerate it.
It’s not easy being that person, especially after you’ve seen the charm and fallen for it yourself.
You wonder where the other side of this character is coming from, but the moment you challenge them is where they ramp up their cruelty.
Punishment and Manipulation
What did you do wrong this time? I’ll step in here and say nothing because the likelihood is that you did nothing wrong at all.
The narcissist plays by a different set of rules, and you stepping out of line will occur to them for any apparent reason they deem acceptable in the moment.
Sometimes it’s merely for fun, so they can get a little drama into their day.
But guess what? It’s all manipulation, anyway. It’s just how they love to churn the butter, keeping you from settling down and not feeling as though you’re walking on eggshells for once.
Narcissists don’t necessarily admit to punishing, they just have this constant inner agenda that they go by.
If, on a particular day, they feel like getting under your skin, they know exactly how to do it, and won’t hesitate to make it happen.
