I always say rules are there to be broken, and this topic is certainly affiliated with that!
Narcissists will do anything to implement rules, the more outrageous, the better.
If you are a partner to a narcissist, you’d best believe they will try anything to impose – even force – rules upon you.
Rules that you may at first think are crazy, yet somehow will be convinced they’re for your own good.
Don’t believe me? Read on!
#1 “Don’t talk to them”
Don’t talk to who?
Sorry, are we in the dark ages here?
Narcissists have no right to tell you who to talk to, and who to avoid, yet they all do it. If you don’t comply, they will make your life hell.
A client I had stopped contact with her narcissistic father, so in retaliation, her brother told her she wasn’t allowed to see his son – her nephew.
Not only that, he also told his wife to never speak to her again. A punishment all because of an issue that had nothing to do with him.
Being the golden child meant he did whatever it took to stay in his father’s good books, and she had enough of trying to live in an abusive family dynamic.
This rule is outrageous, and my advice would be to never stop talking to somebody just because you are told to.
This is all about control, and the narcissist feeling satisfied that you are isolating yourself through a shift in who you do (or don’t) talk to.
#2 What goes on in the house stays in the house
Isn’t it scary that a narcissist can determine what you talk about when you step outside of the house.
They basically are telling you here that they can treat you exactly how they want, as long as you keep quiet.
When you have this rule locked down and perfect, it gives the narcissist permission to be as mean as they want to, and that it is safe to do so.
This is horrible, and so creepy. What kind of person does this?
The kind that knows deep down how abusive they are, that’s who.
#3 We must convey the perfect image together
The perfect image has to be upheld by narcissists at all times, and they expect you to do the same in return.
This loyalty is so toxic, as it proves that all abuse is being swept under the carpet. As soon as you step out of the house, it’s all smiles and laughter.
We are perfect!
Nobody can touch us!
We compare ourselves to nobody!
We don’t ever have any problems!
Yeah, right.
It’s just a shame that for so long, victims adhere to this outrageous rule, knowing that what they’re hiding is the truth that would send everybody else into a shocked state.
#4 Leave the finances to me
Finances can be left to a person in the house if it works that way, but narcissists only want to be in charge of money because they like to know that what they’re spending is being kept under fierce lock and key.
You don’t see any of the statements, receipts, or proof of any earnings, so you have no idea what is coming in, and what is going out.
With that in mind, there is an air of innocent oblivion to you, and you think it’s all being handled well.
It isn’t .
It’s being handled very poorly.
#5 Always be loyal
Or to be specific, you have to always be loyal to the narcissist, but they get to continue to treat you like crap. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s the truth.
If you defend them, show them how loyal you are and never leave their side, the narcissist will know they’ve found somebody whose boundaries they can continually cross and take advantage of.
So when they cheat or lie, they want you to say, “It’s okay.”
If you step even slightly out of line or genuinely forget something, the narcissist will come down on you like a flash flood, and you won’t have time to take shelter.
The defense can also come from sticking up for them when you overhear somebody else run them down.
The narcissist wants you to know that you’re shaking your head and saying, “No, that’s not the kind of thing they would intentionally do.”
Your loyalty will prove they always have you to turn to in order to get them out of muddles.
#6 Always forgive me
Forgiveness shouldn’t be abused, but narcissists love to abuse the idea that their victims will always let them off the hook.
As a result, the victims’ standards will lower to a point where they can’t possibly be any lower.
If you can relate to that, you might feel guilt or shame for forgiving all the terrible things they did to you in the name of peace.
At the time though, your forgiveness was expected, like a rule of the relationship. If you can comply, you can stay.
Doesn’t seem fair.
#7 Do as I say, not as I do
If you aren’t listening to the narcissist and doing as they tell you, then there will be a problem ery quickly.
One client of mine, I will call her Sam, spoke about this recently. She said:
My ex-husband would be late home from work again with no explanation or apology, and one night I just got mad that he didn’t have the thought to let me know. I was worrying and he wasn’t answering his phone, so I hid my anger under silence that I felt contained what I really wanted to say.
He got so mad at me for giving him the silent treatment, saying he doesn’t deserve it after all the hard work he does for us both.
It became my problem that he was late and refused to tell me where he was over and over again, and on this occasion, I felt mistreated.
But yet, he could come home from work and barely speak to me, leaving me thinking I did something wrong. If I questioned that, he would yell at me for being too needy.
I couldn’t win.
Just a classic example of the narcissist and how they drum the rules into you, yet themselves break them whenever they feel like it.
#8 Never answer back or question a thing
If you answer back or dare question anything, there will be hell to pay. That’s why a lot of the time, narcissists teach you (without actually saying it as a rule) to not speak up.
Don’t answer back to them, just let them yell at you for prolonged periods of time.
Right. Because that’s not abuse at all, is it?!
The same goes if you question anything.
Why don’t you follow through with your promises?
Why do you make me feel worthless?
Why do you pick on my hobbies?
Asking these kinds of questions is asking for trouble, and the only way you learn is through the enraged response of the narcissist the first time you do.
And it’ll be the last time, too.
