8 Months After the Narcissistic Boyfriend: I Feel So Used!

Q: How can I deal with the fact I was used for 8 months by my narcissistic boyfriend? I too didn’t pay attention to the red flag alerts. I just loved this man. I got away from the relation ship due to ways too many fights and his very nasty remarks. But I feel so used and my heart is broken. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. Why did this have to happen? Please help me

A: You sound like you are experiencing symptoms of depression. Please see your physician for a referral for counseling or possible antidepressants (that is up to you and your doctor) and/or see a counselor. Your symptoms are common to victims of abuse and are common to those who are heartbroken. However, it is not so common to be dealing with the aftermath of a narcissist. He “hooked” you and that is harder to get over than a typical failed romance. Please spare no time in seeing a counselor to help you cope with your feelings and move on with your life. Hang in there! You WILL see better days.

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19 thoughts on “8 Months After the Narcissistic Boyfriend: I Feel So Used!

  1. What you are going through I understand. Unless you haven’t been there, no one can relate to how violated you were by this man.
    Please, initiate a “NO CONTACT” RULE & most importantly enforce it!!!
    I am entering my 7th month of my breakup with a NPD man. Numerous times he has tried to “hook” me again only I refused calls,texts, emails, and even pretending I didn’t even see him when I caught him driving by my house. I drove right past him as if he wasn’t there.
    Oddly, I still love the man I used to think he was, that man I would die for only the scum he really is I will not give my power to or allow to kill me.
    It gets better. I cry a minute every so often for a lost dream of what I thought we shared n who I thought he was only there are no longer months, weeks, days or even hours of grief.
    Good luck to you and good riddance to the emotional vampire.
    Remember NO CONTACT!!!

    1. Paris, I commend you for your strength in staying away and also for your excellent advice. I so understand what you said. I still love the man I used to think he was. It is so hard to get over. I am staying away, also, but every day I mourn him.

      1. I am sure things have gotten better for you. I am only 2 weeks out of my relationship and am so absolutely grateful to have come across these posts and articles. they explain or help me better understand this intense feeling of loss, betrayal and abandonment. I am so hopeful to feel free and better really soon 🙂

    2. I as well am saddened to think that what we had is gone , but now kowing that’s how he hooked me as well . I thought we were a match made in heaven , oh man was I wrong ,, I am happy we never married and my kids even told me he is not for you , I love my kids so much and yes they know us sometimes better than we know ourselves… I can say I need to get out but I feel scared to leave , I pray everyday and feel like I am imprisoned.. if any of you have any advise please share with me !!!!!!! I know I am a strong women I have raised 4 children and worked full time and know what I want and this is not it ,, know there is someone out there who really is perfect for me …

      1. I feel the same ad my son told me the same thing, that he wasn’t for me. Knowing that we are not alone and that there are just some people out there with serious behavioral/personality problems that no matter how good of a person we are, we can’t change them. I hope all is well with u now 🙂

      2. Denise, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re afraid to get out of that. It’s not a relationship, you never had anything, you are a strong woman, you have merely allowed this person to psychologicaly make you think just the opposite of who you are and what you’re capable of doing. I don’t know how old your kids are but because they know some of what you’re going through, you’re teaching them that it’s ok to be treated the way this guy is treating you. I’m sure that it’s extremrly hard for your kids to observe what you’re going through. You have to get away from this guy and reclaim who you are, because if you should later meet that “perfect guy” he will run because of how broken you will be. You need to know that JESUS tells us 365 times, “Do Not Be Afraid”. What and who are you praying for? Are you praying for him to change, it’s not going to happen simply because a narcissist thinks they’re better than JESUS, they won’t entertain the idea of allowing JESUS to show them love simply because they cannot manipulate HIM.

  2. @Paris – Really appreciated the experience you shared here. Especially how you realize you are grieving a loss that never really existed. Very poignant and enlightening at the same time.

  3. Dr. Burgemeester, I agree with you that it is harder to get over someone who has “hooked” you rather than a typical failed romance. But I don’t understand why. Could you please explain?

  4. I just went through the same with an narcissistic ex girlfriend. I broke up with her five months ago which in reality should have been about 8. I waited for an apology for how she treated me. Five months in, I got that apology but it was completely self-serving. So, all that waiting, was in vein. Now I know just how demented and empty she really is. EVERYTHING she does will ALWAYS be self serving. Remember, they are attracted to good-hearted people with untapped potential that pick up, where they lack. One thing I came to find, is with time, these people get more manipulative and disgusting the more you stay in contact. Let them go so you can be free of the turmoil and pain and enjoy every day of your life. Be fortunate you do not have to live this misery in your own life, as they will never be truly happy with anything or anyone.

  5. Pat yourself on the back and give yourself credit first of all.You got away from this guy before he stole more of your life away. Many people stay for years and pay a big price for that..
    Get some councilling and educate yourself so that it never happens again.
    Don`t jump back into the dating game yet, as you could repeat the mistake.
    This web site has lots of information that will help you make sure that your next guy it the right one for you.

  6. L,
    Why is it more difficult to get over a person with NPD?
    It is like getting a beautifully wrappped birthday gift and upon opening it realizing it is merely an empty box.
    People meet, date looking for a partnership and love. I love you, normally means I cherish you, I connect and bond with you. True love is an emotion formed with sincerity and honesty.
    NPD people get into relationships for none of these reasons. They don’t feel love, they merely parrot the words and mimmick the actions. Feeling and emotional connection is foreign to these toxic vampires. Before they have poisoned you leaving you for dead, they are trolling, hookig new supply. They feed off of the need of being loved not feeding others needs.
    They don’t bond, reason you never felt the return of a deep intimate connection fr them. They are broken because somewhere in their lives. Perhaps, the other reindeer didn’t let them play in reindeer games, who knows when they broke? Just know they are not normal and will never be partnership material.
    Reason you feel so badly, you got an empty shell of a person. They misrepresented themselves, you were cheated.

  7. They are cunning so stay strong. They don’t like to loose, leaving them fuels them to attempt to bring you back into their folds. They haven’t changed other than temporarily back into their sheep’s clothing. Run Toto Run!!! Forward and don’t look back, believe me, you don’t want this. You deserve more!!

  8. Truthfully, while grocery shopping a very nice looking man shopping too, offered friendly pleasantries as we stood over the apples. As he walked away, I realized my simple and innocent interaction with this handsome stranger was more honest and real than the almost 3 years I spent with the man I had been dating.
    Sad, but true.
    Why, did I remain with this NPD man for so long. We had been in a long distance relationship. I moved to his city, moved in with him on our 2nd anniversary.
    Seriously, one day later I realized he was a pathological liar and had lied to me from day one of our relationship. He continued to lie so convincingly, until I handed him proof.
    7 months later, I left and have never looked back. Love? I never knew the man I moved in with, he shielded this person from me. He couldn’t hide himself with my living there. This man I couldn’t live with.
    To think of ever have ever been with him makes me want to regurgitate.
    No, I don’t want that, no one that has self respect does.

    1. Don’t beat yourself up on how long it took to realise. Took me 40 years to realise my father is a violent, pathological liar. But at the same time I always knew.
      Did handing him the proof make any meaningful difference to his behaviour? Only ever made mine more extreme in his behaviour!

      What I find surprising and fascinating is how these comments are made up of two very distinct groups who have so much in common. Those like you who have found themselves enmeshed in a relationship with someone they discover to be such a nightmare, and then those like me who have been raised in a family with one or more of these people. Apart from having been close to a very sick and dangerous individual, from whom it’s difficult to escape, we shouldn’t really share so much but I feel we do.

  9. Yes, as our NPD abusers share common traits, we share common feelings:abuse, realization, denial, betrayal, dismay, disdain,heartbreak, pain and de-valuation as human beings.
    Most importantly, we share strength, the gift of knowledge & the desire to be emotionally healthy in spite of it all.
    Congratulations to you you are a survivor, a person that seeks a healthier solitude.
    Ken, keep this in mind & heart. Poison is poison, no matter the source of the toxin, mother,father,brother, sister, or anyone else toxic you encounter. Remove yourself from these people and surround yourself with friends and family members that truly appreciate, champion you, and care. Life is too short not to. 40 years is a hefty inevestment of your soul.
    Find the rainbow in the sky from your storm. Blessings in this travel.

    1. Hey Paris
      I have been through exactly what you have also…..I am still here though as I have high school sons that he manipulated into his web to thinking I was the one to blame for everything. I have my sons back now and they see exactly what I do so will be making plans to move on with my life. I have also been seeing a therapist and he has given me strength as well. Seeing a therapist is the best medicine and it helps you to get your feelings in check. This guy loves the fact I have no job but I have been looking for awhile now. My dream is to get out of this *nightmare* and have a place of my own where I wont have to live by his rules or listen to his drama & lies. We are stronger for all we have been through. My heart goes out to everyone that has to endure meeting poisonous people like them.

  10. I was used for more than a year and understand exactly how you feel. The problem is NOT getting over him (like after a normal relationship), but dealing with the ABUSE, which was both emotional and sexual. I think it’s normal that you feel used, because you were used. But how do you heal from it?

  11. I dated a Narcissist for 3 years. I saw a TON of red flags, caught him in so many horrendous lies throughout the relationship! Buuut, I decided to ignore everything and just love him. We have been separated a year and three months now and it still occupies a lot of my thoughts. He is engaged to a doctor “money, status and NEW adoration,” are his supplies. I sought counseling about three months after the break up. Trust me, getting past the person he pretended to be at the very beginning is next to impossible. I held onto the dream of that man suddenly reappearing for 2.5 years of the relationship! The emotional abuse (becoming literally enraged if I cried), gaslighting and humiliating me sexually and denying me but once every 4-5 mos. are just really the highlights! Be glad you got out on YOUR terms, because we got out on HIS terms and through it all made me feel worse about myself than ever. There is hope.. the emotions have changed for me and I feel more anger and resentment like a relationship never happened (he told coworkers of ours that we were never actually together, to save face and his appearance, instead of having to admit we hid it for 3 years…aka he “lied” to them). Chin up.

  12. 7 years into a relationship…..I knew something was not right…I got myself sooo confused with the details and the emotional way old fashion treatment with my partner….

    Sure enough, here it goes the devaluation, false accusations and even worse stubbing my back with my past. Till I got discarded like garbage after being put in a pedestal, twin flame, past life promises and on….

    Today, after 6 months still working on healing….yes ! its hard…

    I highly recommend QUINN HOLLIDAY from you tube !!! he’s been my Angel, teacher and guide…

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