Narcissists are great at making the right kinds of requests to suit them. It doesn’t matter if those said requests are out of your remit, or if they make you look bad or uncomfortable.
Who cares? I want what I want!
Safe to say, they always get it. Until that is, they don’t.
So, as innocent as they may be, I want you to prepare for what’s to come – because it is all about one thing…
…Control.
#1 “Can you just keep this between us?”
It sounds as though you’re entering some kind of elite secret club, doesn’t it? The narcissist wants you to keep a secret, and they trust you to do so. Sounds like you’re the chosen one – and it sounds innocent enough!
It’s not though – and you’re not special to them in any way because they’ve requested you keep quiet.
It’s pretty difficult to see that when the narcissist is such a creepy form of charming, and the way they pull you in to believe you’re doing something good is the most detrimental thing about the abuse you’re being subjected to.
If a narcissist is asking you to keep something between just the two of you, I would consider it to be an official red flag.
They’re obsessed with image and how they’re portrayed to everybody else, so if you have a scoop on them that will dent and damage that, this is where you’re hushed.
But it’s not in a threatening way. It’ll be:
Nobody wants to hear about other people’s business.
Let’s not cheapen ourselves.
Whatever issues we have, we can sort out between us.
See how manipulative things can get?
#2 “I only want what’s best for you.”
This is just a downright lie. No narcissist wants what’s best for you.
What would be best for you would be to wave goodbye to the narcissist, move on with your life and never see or speak to them – or any other narcissist – ever again.
At the very least what would be best for the narcissist is to just start treating you with respect, but that’s not going to happen.
If you’re hearing them talk to you like they’re concerned for your wellbeing, you have to ask yourself how innocent that really is.
Especially when they have no problem treating you like shit for the rest of the time.
Doesn’t add up, does it?
Don’t think you’ve got somebody who cares for you, because you really don’t. It’s an illusion.
#3 “Just this once, for me?”
One time? Never again? And does that one time still cross the line?
It sounds to me as though you’re being asked to do something you’re not comfortable with, in which case, why is the narcissist trying to put pressure on you?
Telling you that is ‘for them’ is really sneaky behavior, like it’s some kind of test of loyalty that you of course will be keen to pass because that’s you – the people pleaser.
This is a far cry from genuine innocence – so be warned.
#4 “Let me handle it, you’ll thank me later.”
Usually you’ll hear something like this in the restaurant. The narcissist inevitably whips out their money to pay for something, but this is just an excuse to show off how much money they have – because it equals success!
So there you are, wide-eyed and happy that they’re handling something you have been told or assumed that you cannot.
What a way to make you feel small, and for them to feel big and important.
This is one of the most obvious power plays and you being in public, you won’t want to make a scene, so you just agree and go along with it.
#5 “Can I use your phone/computer real quick?”
Wait what for exactly? Do you need to look something up? Make a call? I can bet whatever they say they’re using it for isn’t going to be the actual reason they’ve requested to possess it temporarily.
I’ve encountered narcissists, just like you have. I know them well, and I can safely say there isn’t a single one I’d allow access to my personal devices.
Not because I have anything to hide, but because in that short space of time, they will do what they can to control me.
Even asking me to hand mine is a form of control, because it isn’t innocent.
Beyond that, they want to snoop, maybe even lay a tracking device on it, check your gallery or apps, emails, texts, DMs for any info they can use against you.
Say no, make your excuses, and keep your devices to yourself.
#6 “You’re so sensitive—just joking!”
This innocent phrase particularly riles me. I mean, it really gets under my skin.
The simple way to say it is – if it’s unkindness disguised as a joke, it’s abuse. And yeah, it sounds harsh to label it as so, but there are so many guilty layers to this phrase that point to control.
For starters, you’re likely to be feeling things already, and that’s why you spoke up.
To have it thrown back at you as you being sensitive dismisses entirely how you feel.
Not only that, when you react to that, or try to defend yourself, or call them out, or even cry, they tell you they were just joking.
What is a joke? Did you laugh? No.
Because you were the butt of it.
#7 “Don’t overthink it, trust me.”
Oh no. Don’t do the latter, that’s for sure. Trusting them is only going to lead to heartache.
But also, the preface to this request is to not overthink anything they say or do, which again, will be natural to you if you see the wrong in how they are treating you.
You’d be right to question it or think it’s not positive.
In telling you not to look too deeply into it, they’re asking you to excuse it. Overlook the wrong. Be forgiving.
And then, they want you to trust them! Can you believe that?! It’s not reaffirming at all to hear any of this, and will only make you feel more lost.
Sounds innocent, and you could trust them if they had a back history of earning it.
Seeing as that hasn’t happened, you have to trust yourself.
#8 “I hate drama, but…”
There’s no but. The but, if anything, is:
But you shouldn’t believe me because I’m a serial liar.
The middle name of all narcissists is ‘drama.’ They love it, and will push and push to create it in your life.
It’s beyond a joke because the stress is actually a damaging aspect of your own identity.
The controlling part of this phrase is how you think they’re being serious. So when any drama does come your way, you’re not going to look at the narcissist as the one to blame.
Does that mean you may blame yourself?
I’d say so, yes. But there will be other innocent parties in this. Friends, family, coworkers. That’s how you end up falling out:
Pointing fingers at everybody else other than the narcissist.
And the narcissist?
They get to skip away into the sunset all innocently!
