Yet again, you’re laying there wondering what you did wrong this time. It’s a coldness that has become familiar to you, and is equally deliberate.
The last place you’d expect to feel this is from the comfort of your own bed, but this is what living with a narcissist is like.
You feel alone, yet this is where narcissists can be their most cruel. They have tactics that they use to control their partners, and today, I want to talk about all 8 of them.
Intimacy doesn’t matter to them, they just love to use these because they know intimacy matters to you.
#1 Refuses Your Physical Touch
Physical touch is important if a relationship is to be a success. And by that, I mean hugging, kissing, brushing hair, dancing; anything that involves you touching, not just the obvious.
Knowing that, why is it so difficult to obtain the touch of a narcissist? You have to ask for a hug, wait to see if they’re in the right mood for a kiss.
If you’ve had a disagreement (brought on by them, of course), the warmth will vanish altogether. That hurts, but it is a real tactic used by narcissists in order to control you.
Without their touch, you’re left wishing and hoping. You want to feel that connection, but it just isn’t being provided to you.
You spend your days wondering how to earn back basic affection you should be getting without question, but in truth, you never will because the narcissist sees that as handing control over to you.
This is obviously a huge no. They would much rather see you desperate.
#2 Silent Treatment Timed Just Right
As the narcissist lies next to you, merely inches away, they’re close enough to hear you breathing.
They know you’re awake, but they don’t say a word. This silence is a weapon designed to make you feel like you’re invisible.
Times and moments like this should be where couples have a little chat or catch up before bed.
It can be a very vulnerable time for some, who maybe want to speak about what’s been on their minds.
This silent treatment is perfectly timed to set off your anxiety radar right as you should be drifting into a peaceful slumber.
You’re not being acknowledged, and that’s no joke. In fact, it makes your chest feel justifiably heavy.
#3 Sex Is a Reward, Not a Natural Act
Sex should never be thought of as a reward for compliance, yet that’s how narcissists will use it.
As usual, it’s all about, “How can I get the best out of this situation?” The minute you displease them, or say something they have an issue with, sex will get revoked and you have to learn to go without.
They know just how to push for closeness after they’ve caused harm, and will use you to rewrite reality.
You end up going without the act, and the narcissist is in charge of all the strings.
#4 They Punish You by Depriving You of Sleep
Right as you’re drifting off, the narcissist will storm into the room, or into your personal space, looking for a fight.
They want to talk about it, they accuse you of something, and they just won’t let you rest.
The conversation can go on into the early hours of the day, with you feeling exhausted, and that’s just them getting started.
They won’t care what you’ve got planned for the next day, just that they want to drain you entirely in preparation for it.
This bedroom tactic is used so that you cave in and start apologizing for things you haven’t even done, because your brain just wants to go to sleep.
You’ll say anything to keep it simple, and in turn take the blame for what’s being thrown your way.
#5 Your Vulnerabilities Become Their Ammunition
Remember all those things you once shared with the narcissist? It was because you trusted them, and it’s not your fault that you did, they just made it so believable that you could.
Now come the causal, yet consistent jokes and comparisons that refer to your vulnerabilities.
They laugh at your clothes, even though you try to not draw attention to yourself.
They purposely don’t answer your calls or texts so you worry, even though they’re fine and blatantly ignoring you.
Those things you spoke about in confidence become the very backbone of all opportunities to mock you.
When you try to remind them, they gaslight you and tell you they don’t know what you’re talking about.
#6 Emotional Withdrawal Post Intimacy
Right after you’ve been intimate with another person is usually the perfect time to lay together and just be.
There’s nothing usually more to it, other than wanting to extend that physical connection into something more emotional. But guess what? Your time is up.
The narcissist hops out of bed, goes to the bathroom, then proceeds to head downstairs to watch a movie while you’re supposed to drift off into the sweaty sheets, feeling satisfied.
It doesn’t work that way.
Normally, that’s the most lonely aspect of physical intimacy. Right where you should be together, you’re left feeling used, and rejected in some way.
You know, worryingly, over time, a person can learn to shut down if this happens too frequently.
You come to be programmed to believe that this is your moment to just deal with it alone, and anything you want to share remains inside of you.
You feel erased; like the chance to get even closer was ripped away from you by the very person you’d hoped it would be with.
And they did it all by themselves.
#7 The Tossing and Turning to Keep You Awake
You think it’s just you, but in fact, the narcissist has been moving around a lot more than usual of late.
In fact, it’s getting to a point where your sleep is interrupted, because every toss and turn feels like the bed is about to fall through.
They accidentally kick you while they turn, or they sigh and roll over nudging you into awakeness in the process.
Is there much else they can do?!
For you, you want to sleep. You don’t want to make a fuss in case they’ve got things on their mind. You wonder if they’re angry with you, are you taking up too much room?
So many things go through your mind, but you definitely feel as though your only option is to lay there and tolerate it.
#8 The Screens On to Disturb You
What is that glaring light right as you’re laying down?
The narcissist. They’re checking their work emails. They’re picking up a text from that morning they hadn’t replied to.
They’re seeing the weather forecast for the next day. They’re reading important news that can’t possibly wait until morning.
It’s enough to make you want to pull your hair out, yet remains a classic tactic in controlling you and how you feel and sleep next to them.
They hope that you react, because then they can play victim and act like you don’t want them there.
Well, maybe that’s true!
