The word sorry can be laced into any sentence, but unless it carries meaning with it, it’s a pretty pointless gesture.
A narcissist would know all about that! Sure, it’s easy to say, but there are 8 apologies they give that aren’t really apologies at all.
You came here to find out about narcissists, and this seems like the perfect place to visit to find out why they never say what they mean when they offer you their ‘sorry.’
#1 “I’m sorry you feel that way”
The biggest apology without being an actual apology. It tricks a lot of victims, trust me!
People hear it and think, “Wow, thank you for that. It’s about time I was given what I am owed – an actual apology.”
But it’s not!
It doesn’t acknowledge anything they did wrong, if anything, they’re saying how sorry they are for your feelings, like your feelings are such a terrible thing.
Before long, a huge chunk of those victims end up feeling guilty for that feeling, assuming it to be wrong somehow.
If you have been hurt and are awaiting that apology, it should come and it should be genuine.
This is not an apology, it’s not self-reflective, and it doesn’t acknowledge your feelings in a way that you deserve.
#2 “I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”
If you’re looking for an apology, a narcissist will often just say it to please you.
What they fail to realize is that the apology in question is down to something they did that wasn’t very nice.
So in answer to this question, you probably want a little accountability. You might like the promise to not do it again (and that promise be kept).
What would be lovely is if they sounded halfway authentic, rather than almost impatient that you’re not letting it go so easily.
If they stopped the selfish act for one second, they might see somebody who wants a little connection through this moment.
It’s not likely when you’re opposite a narcissist who feels that the word sorry should be enough.
#3 “I guess I’m just the worst person ever”
Oh, right. Time to play the victim and swing the whole moment back onto you, narcissist.
Phrases like this are often met with the predictable, “Of course not. You’re amazing. You know how much I love you.”
Suddenly, you’re pandering to the narcissist, and what you want them to apologize for is quickly forgotten. What’s right about that? Absolutely nothing!
And by the way, yeah, you are the worst person ever.
Own it.
#4 “I’m sorry, but if you hadn’t…”
Oh wait, is that what they’re really doing? You asked for an apology, and they’re throwing it back in your face? They’re dragging you down with them by saying you initiated the whole thing?
I don’t think it works that way! Again, own it!
I swear sometimes these narcissists have the consistency mental age of a two year old.
This is about what you’re owed, not throwing in your name to the pit to make themselves seem more innocent than they actually are.
This is a common way for a narcissist to try to sound like they regret how they treated you but in reality, it just goes to show how much they want to blame you and make you feel bad as the instigator.
Call it unfair, and you’d be right to!
#5 “I apologize if I hurt you”
Talk about deflection! This is another assumed apology by so many, but in fact, isn’t considered a proper one.
If? Come on. Look in more detail at what the narcissist is handing you, here.
Should there be doubt that you were hurt? Who was responsible for it? You didn’t hurt yourself! What better is to hear:
I’m sorry that I hurt you.
There. One little word, and a world of difference to the meaning of the entire apology.
You see it as real, rather than implied. Sure, it’s polite enough, but it doesn’t actually do anything other than allow the narcissist to avoid blame.
Real apologies acknowledge the impact it had on you, not so much the intent.
#6 “I’m sorry for everything I ever did!”
Why not just launch every bad thing the narcissist did into one big box and have them say sorry for it all, all at once?
I think because perhaps the long list of ways a narcissist treats people unfairly should be picked apart and apologized for individually at the very least, but we know we aren’t going to get that level of self-responsibility from them.
They don’t want to spend time on you or the fact that they messed up. Saying sorry for it all, all at once excuses them from delving into the real reason why they’re so hurtful.
It also makes them out to be some kind of martyr, right? I mean, let’s just say how terrible I am and apologize for it all.
They mistake your need for an authentic moment of reflection on themselves as an excuse to generalize an important act.
#7 “Fine. I’m sorry. You happy now?”
Is that what you want to hear? A sorry? Well, you’ve got it!
The narcissist will serve it to you, no problem. Then what? You’re supposed to paint a smile on because that’s what you wanted all along.
Forget what they did, just hear the word that will make it all better, move on and never discuss it again.
I don’t think any apology works that way. The attention shouldn’t be on the fact that they said it, it should be on realizing they upset you, and then meaning to be regretful of it. Why else should an apology exist?
Then to have the nerve to turn to you and ask you if you’re happy? No. That’s not an apology. It’s not satisfying to hear, what’s satisfying is being treated with respect.
#8 “Sorry, I was just joking”
It’s time to hand the narcissist a copy of the dictionary, because a joke is supposed to be funny, and not at people’s expense.
If you’re the butt of somebody’s joke, it won’t fill you with any kind of joy or laughter.
A narcissist won’t care about that, though. To them, if they’re making you feel bad, that’s enough in itself to be hilarious, especially when the smile on your face falls, and they see they’ve gotten to you.
At that point, it will feel as though their comment has struck a nerve within you, and it will be filed under ‘next time’ – when they can reuse the joke and do it all over again.
And the apology? Well, it will be said, that’s for sure. Sorry will be the kind of word they think will make everything better, never mind how you might have felt about it.
But it doesn’t, because they’re already trying to excuse themselves from you blaming them by passing off what was likely an insult as humor.
Imagine if the tables were turned, and it was you insulting them and passing it off as funny. I don’t think the narcissist would ever forget it!
