The majority of people who fall for and latch onto narcissists have so much in common that it’s no coincidence.
You first glance at their charm, laying eyes on all the potential ways you could spend the rest of your lives together – but it all goes wrong.
Why is that?
What’s the cause?
What is it about you that makes you fall for the narcissist, along with 69% of the other people?
I’ll tell you right now.
You’d Better Get Ready
I make it sound like you’re a terrible person if you’ve fallen for a narcissist, don’t I?
I’ve got a little bit of breaking news for you:
This is one of those times where you can safely be assured that it is not your fault.
Traits are parts of our character and personality that make us who we are, for whatever reason. They don’t mean that you’re broken or incomplete.
Let me break those traits down for you, so it all makes a lot more sense.
#1 Empathy on Another Level
We all have our own needs in life, and those needs should never be ignored.
They help shape us, define us, and keep us floating above the waters of chaos.
We want things, and that’s normal. We want to be happy, or loved, or fulfilled.
While there are people who steal those things from others, there are also people who willingly give them up in order to feel loved in return.
But that’s now what love is.
Empathetic people are incredibly tuned in and sensitive to the feelings, thoughts, opinions, and emotions of others.
And yes, it will usually come at detriment to the empath, who will always palace themselves last.
But you know what that does for narcissists?
It gives them a person who will always make sure they don’t matter, just as long as the narcissist feels like they do.
#2 People-Pleasing
In a way, I think the term people-pleaser is thrown around a little too much. If something is overused, it loses its meaning.
It sounds fluffy and patronizing to me, because actually, the art of people-pleasing can have really devastating effects on a person.
It strips them of their authenticity, and they never really get to live the way they want.
People-pleasing can become so problematic that it can also be like running every day on autopilot and never knowing how to drop it and be yourself.
This can even involve the way you talk or mirroring somebody else in order to try to seem like you have so much in common.
For me, I notice it a lot in victims of narcissistic abuse, and it definitely plays a big part in what makes them so appealing to narcissists.
#3 Forgiveness
Forgiving a person means overlooking their wrongdoing so that you both can move on and feel healed.
Usually, the person who has done wrong notices the error of their ways, apologizes, and ensures it doesn’t happen again.
Then there are narcissists…
…Who will hurt and punish and argue and abuse time and time again because they know they can.
Because you’ll turn a blind eye and make excuses for them, or say that it’s okay.
The bar for standards is then set so low, that the narcissist will continue to abuse.
#4 The Belief That You Can Fix Others
This kicks off pretty early for many, and usually that looks like a childhood where their needs aren’t met.
One or both parents are too busy, offering nothing but conditional love and breadcrumbing support or affection along the route.
The child will want to try to fix the situation, to make themselves feel better.
Constantly trying to impress them, or live for the love and validation of others. Asking for love in times of need and receiving none.
So then what?
You enter adulthood looking for a partner to do all of that with.
Enter the narcissist…
#5 Overly-Patient
You’d have to be, to put up with a narcissist. Everything they do to make your life miserable, you just smile and accept it, forgiving along the way.
#6 Weak Boundaries
When your boundaries are weak, the narcissist will annihilate them. It’s their right (as they think) to do so, and who are you to stop them?
They will get exactly what they want from you.
#7 Low Self-Esteem
If you do not think highly of yourself, you’ll never be able to appreciate the kind of partner you truly deserve. All the good qualities.
Honesty.
Affection.
Loyalty.
Love.
Understanding.
Compassion.
Kindness.
Compromise.
Kiss goodbye to it all if you are of a low character.
#8 Difficulty Standing Up For Yourself
If your house is made of paper, then it won’t take much for it to fall down.
The clue is right there. The narcissist wants an easy life. If you resist that, they will move on. If you enable their easy life, you can definitely stick around.
#9 Abandonment Fear
Not wanting to lose somebody will fit right into the hands of narcissists, who want you to be at their mercy.
If you view them as somebody who you can take or leave and be fine either way, then you’re obviously not making them enough of a priority.
#10 Love a Fairytale
You want the fairytale, and you want your prince or princess charming to come and save you.
You’ve seen all the movies, and now you want to be swept off your feet by a person who takes your breath away.
Congratulations, you’ve just bagged yourself a narcissist.
#11 Evidence Doesn’t Matter
No. Sweep it all under the carpet, and everything will be fine, right?
That’s what the narcissist loves about you.
Don’t notice their toxicity and it won’t be an issue.
#12 Sees The Best In Everyone
If you see the best in the narcissist, then they will always want to have you around.
You love them, and you will even make excuses for them if you need to. They’re really sweet once you get to know them.
Are they…?
I don’t think so.
#13 Codependent Issues
You’ve learned to believe that you can’t rely on yourself for anything, so you look to others to help you.
You need guidance because your self-belief was eradicated somewhere along the line.
That’s why narcissists love you.
They can mold you.
#14 Love is Earned
If I do this, they will love me.
If I bake their favorite cake, they won’t come home mad.
If I lose that weight, they will want to sleep with me again.
None of it makes sense, but a person with a troubled past can enter a relationship feeling as though love is a concept that needs to be earned.
Love isn’t a supermarket loyalty card. You don’t get points.
#15 Love is High and Low to the Extreme
Hot, cold, high, low, silent, loud – there’s never any in between, and you’ve learned through your life that this is normal practice.
Ironically, all you really crave is peace. But all you’re programmed to find in others is chaos.
