You’ve grown up with a narcissistic mom, and now it’s your turn to raise your kids.
You want to do so totally differently because of the hell your own toxic mom put you through.
It’s not that easy though. She’s there, lurking in the weeds as ‘Grandma’ now, and that brings with it a whole new (old) set of rules sent to throw your parenting world into chaos.
Here are 7 ways she will do that to damage your kids’ self-worth.
#1 Conditional love is a biter
You experienced it, and now it’s time for your kids to experience it. That is, if you allow it.
That’s right, conditional love; the biggest chip a person can do to another’s identity. After all, what is love if it has to have conditions tied to it? It isn’t love, that’s for sure.
Some examples of conditional love can be:
Only receiving love or affection from somebody if you do things that make them happy.
Having it withdrawn if they aren’t in a good mood, or if you haven’t been ‘perfect.’
Loving somebody only if they behave.
Saying you love somebody because they make you happy.
Loving as a reward, and not a right.
You can imagine the kind of damage this type of love does to anybody, let alone a kid.
And when it’s a grandmother, the nurturing generation prior to you, the parent, that’s got to hit even harder.
When a child thinks they have to earn the love of somebody who should be handing it over, no questions, that’s when you’ll see them grow into adults who only see love as a people-pleasing aspect.
#2 The game of favorites
I cannot stand seeing people play favorites with friends or family members, it’s just plain wrong and unfair.
What are they basing it on, anyway? Behavior? Knowledge? Skillset? Courage? Money? Looks? Compliance?
Grandmothers should know better, but instead, they will do what they likely did to you and your siblings when you were younger, and play favorites.
When a narcissist does this, they pull a relationship between two people apart, as well as the self-esteem of the one who clearly isn’t labelled the favorite.
When you’re pitted against like that and don’t come off as the winner, it’s easy for a kid to look inward and say, “What’s so wrong with me?”
It’s in the simple ways their brother gets two cookies and they only get one, or in the way she talks kindly to one, yet not them. Eventually, that will look and feel like, “I’m not good enough.”
#3 They undermine parents
Your rules are your rules, and as a parent, those are your rights. Heaven knows the grandmother had enough of them when you were little, right?
But wait. When the time comes where you are handing them over to the grandmother for the day or night, and they undermine you, you’ve got a problem.
This can look like not following your rules when in her care, such as ignoring bedtimes, or what to give them or not give them to eat. It can also be in front of the kids.
Why do you always have to be so bossy/worried/worked up all the time?
Not, that’s not how you do it, here, hand it to me.
You’re a grown adult, and you’re capable. Narcissistic grandmothers are constantly looking for ways they can remain in charge, even when you have kids of your own.
#4 They criticize appearance, pretending they ‘care’
Oh come on, you can’t let her go out like that!
Are you sure you like your hair that way? It’s a little flyaway.
That dress would be much cuter if you were 3 years old.
Do you not think that getting into college and playing sports might be more possible if you hit the gym?
You don’t want to eat much more than you’re eating. You don’t want to get picked on at school.
Are you kidding me? Here we are with some hurtful comments narcissistic grandmothers can throw at their grandkids in the name of “I just care, is all.”
What do these kinds of comments do to kids? I can confirm they aren’t going to do them any favors, that’s for sure!
Pain comes from hearing comments like these, and you’d think they’d be old and wise enough to know better, but nope.
So who suffers? The kids and their self-worth, every single time.
#5 Gifts are transactions
Gifts are never just thoughtful, “I saw this and thought of you.” Also, most kids aren’t anticipating anything, so receiving can feel special. But what comes after the gift is received?
What are they expecting in return? Certainly something! Time or attention, or being treated like they are the center of their grandkid’s worlds.
If the child doesn’t pay them back in a way they deem appropriate, they may be faced with total discard. Imagine trying to explain that at a young age!
After everything I’ve done for you!
I got you that expensive watch and you can’t even fetch me a drink.
No gifts should have strings attached, it’s as simple as that. And no child should sign over their loyalty as a response to receiving a gift, either., which is often what the narcissistic grandmother is trying to do.
#6 The want to be the center of every memory or achievement
They have to be there. Every single sports day, ceremony, achievement, memory, birthday you name it.
Not only do they want to be there, they also have to be right up front shouting or cheering the loudest, showing off that this is their grandchild, and wanting everybody to hear and see the special moment.
Embarrassing? It can be. More than that, it’s just weird that they feel these are suitable moments to claim some kind of ownership over the whole moment ,stealing it from the kid and making them feel like the day isn’t about them.
It strips away any excitement you’re supposed to have for these (what should be) unforgettable times.
#7 They mock or minimize expression
Expecting decency from a narcissist will always leave you disappointed. Sadly, decency from a grandparent should just be a natural part of the dynamics, but again, you will be disappointed.
It may come as no real surprise to you, but your child? They don’t know what a narcissist is. They’ll just see grandma as mean when she mocks her grandkid.
Wanting a hug or some time to talk will not be handed over generously, but again, you’ll only see the sad look on their little faces as they come to realize something isn’t right.
It’s up to you to step in and explain that some people are just not very clear or good with kindness.
It’s the only way your kids will be able to not take these acts personally.
Should you have to? No. But you know, it’s either you allow this behavior to continue and watch your kids self-worth fall apart, or you intercept and teach them in an age appropriate way that people an be unkind.
You’ll be shocked at how many of you out there are having to go through this together.
You aren’t alone!
