Covert narcissists can be some of the most dangerous of all the narcissists, not least because of their ability to fully pull the wool over your eyes.
One minute you think they’re your friend, the next they are doing everything possible to make you feel uncomfortable.
How they behave will not only hurt you and stress you out, but they will flat out confuse you.
But it’s done on purpose. Here are 7 ways they do it.
#1 Smile at you one minute…
It’s nice when somebody smiles at you, right? It can almost be contagious, as you can’t help but smile back.
That response is often under the assumption that the original smile was genuine, and I think that’s their first mistake to make when it comes to covert narcissists.
They are so good at pretending to be nice, to the point where it’s almost sickly. How can anything so clearly over the top be authentic?
Yet people fall for the fake niceness all the time, and that kind of behavior can really confuse you.
Smiling when there’s nothing to smile about is disturbing, and it nearly always falls under the meaning of, “I need something from you,” or, “I really feel like annoying you today.”
There doesn’t need to be a reason for it, but we are dealing with covert narcissists here.
They are very insecure people, and it literally makes their day to see you uncomfortable.
Why smile then try to ruin your day this way? Because it keeps you on your toes, and it keeps them in charge of your emotions.
#2 Reach out and bomb you with contact
Why? Because they feel like it. Why does everything have to be so dramatic with you? *Eyeroll.*
Okay, that was my best cover narcissist impression that I have, but you all know the exact tone I mean.
Being ‘thought of’ out of the blue isn’t nice, there’s always a motive where they’re concerned, and I get it.
It can be so confusing when you haven’t heard from them in so long, and suddenly, they’re back with all the niceness in the world.
And the love-bombing! My goodness. This can be the case for either romantic or platonic relationships with a covert narcissist, but trust me,
it’s strong and captivating and if you aren’t careful, you will slip into that trap before you can even blink
Look out for them wanting to meet up and spend time with you. Watch out for the compliments, the gestures; everything.
#3 Question you innocently
Where have you been?
I texted you like five times, why didn’t you reply?
You must be really busy if I haven’t heard from you.
Why can’t you come? I thought you had Thursdays off.
Are you upset with me? It feels that way.
Yeah, the questions are innocent enough, but they come with a narcissistic sense of urgency that tries to paint you as the one with the problem all the time.
So you overexplain. You say sorry. You offer a way of making it up to them.
You’re stuck under their control because they’ve placed you there in the most innocent of ways, and if you were to try to question them about it, what have you got? Not much if they’re being ‘friendly.’
Let’s look at the psychology of that. You are at fault because of something you didn’t even know existed.
Something to think about.
#4 Trigger you by doing what you fear
Why would anybody want to knowingly do something that provokes fear in the person they’re supposed to love?
I still can’t get my head around this part of narcissism, but I know we are dealing with the cruelest of people here, and that’s what makes me see sense.
When a narcissist unlocks your fears and has them in the palm of their hands, they can and will ignite them right before your eyes so you feel triggered by them.
Buying you a skydive for your birthday because they wanted to be thoughtful.
Making sure not a day goes by where they give you the silent treatment for no reason because they remember you talking about how your abusive parents did it.
Not cool, not right, and certainly confusing to be treated that way by somebody you thought cared about you.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking they ‘don’t remember’ your fears and what triggers you.
They do. They just want to make you feel scared so they can watch you suffer and swoop in and save you.
It’s messed up.
#5 Discard you out of the blue
Everything is going so well between you, and suddenly you’ve been discarded.
You’re forgotten. They won’t answer your calls or reply to your texts. It’s almost as if you’ve been ghosted, and dare I say it, sometimes that is that case.
One minute you mattered, the next, they’re happily living their life without you. And the first thing you do is panic.
What did you say or do wrong? Did they decide that you weren’t for them? Are you not good enough?
Why does it always have to be about you? This is what narcissists do; they chew you up and spit you out and don’t think twice about hurting you.
It is an unacceptable behavior that confuses all those on the receiving end.
#6 Demand you reply instantly
Oh, but when the shoe is on the other foot, they want to know!
Where are you?
Why are you not replying?
What could you possibly be so busy with?
What’s gotten into you?
What’s with the nonchalant attitude?
Aren’t you getting my texts?
The contact flows and flows from them until you stop what you’re doing and reach out. And then? Boy, you will feel that cold shoulder.
Once they know you’re okay and all of this was down to the fact that you were busy (not prioritizing them), they will flip the tap to freezing.
You want to yell, “What do you want from me?!” You can’t do anything right, and that’s the confusing part. You’re wanted and called after until you give back, then the narcissist backs off!
#7 Draw attention away from you as much as possible
Why would anybody not want you to be happy if they actively also show up in an important role in your life?
Narcissists who draw attention away from their victims act like babies who can’t handle somebody else getting the spotlight for a little bit.
They can’t even raise a smile knowing you’ve earned recognition, or even just the notion that you should be celebrated in some way.
Is it that terrible? Yes. To them, it really is. You’ve earned something through your own merit, without stealing or lying your way to get there.
You haven’t hurt anybody in the process, and you should be proud of yourself.
This is where the narcissist makes it really difficult for you. Showing up with their charm and drawing people away from you and onto them.
It’s all a huge game to them, and once that you did not consciously consent to partaking in.
