When the truth is staring us in the face, it’s hard to see it while wearing rose-tinted glasses.
When the truth is right before us, it’s impossible to see it with your eyes closed.
And believe it or not, sometimes the only way you can open them is after the narcissist has gone.
The moment they turn their backs and walk away, everything becomes so much clearer.
There are reasons why you can’t see what’s right there, and I’ve got them right here for you.
#1 You’re programmed not to
I try not to be too cutting when it comes to giving any reason, but this is one I just can’t.
From the moment you meet the narcissist, you’re being programmed. There’s no way out of this unless you choose not to engage and be blindsided by their charm, but too many people are.
Sadly, this programming is for the long term, and you’re going to be blissfully unaware of it until the moment they leave and you reflect on everything you went through.
The loss of identity, the gaslighting, the way the narcissist told you what to think, or told you that what you did think was somehow wrong.
It’s all down to each fragmented part of their games, and these are meant to keep you in line and obey the rules.
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The truth is, you were abused and manipulated from the get go. Your wellbeing wasn’t thought about, and you were used every step of the way.
Not seeing that because your moods and actions were intercepted by the calculated narcissist wasn’t your fault.
But now you have the space to see it, you will never unsee it.
#2 You want to focus on the good
And you know in this world, I don’t blame you at all. There needs to be more good in it as far as I’m concerned, but you’re not going to find that good in bad people. Not ever.
The people who are attracted to narcissists are the ever optimists. Those who want to know that good people exist, and the charm you encounter upon first meeting aligns with that.
It’s what victims always remember, even during the darkest times with their abuser.
The good is the fragment of time you hope lasts forever, or at least makes a comeback after a period of conflict.
You want it back because it made you feel so good. When we’re feeling unhappy, we are told to think about positive things.
We’re taught to embrace the good we have in our lives, and this is where victims automatically defer to.
The good times. The memories.
When the narcissist is gone, all the rest of the relationship opens up and exposes itself to victims. I want to assure you that this is almost never instant, but it comes every single time.
There will always be that moment you see your experience with them – start to finish – for what it was.
That’s why people like me exist to help your eyes open to the truth, and not just the highlights.
You can have some of the happiest times of your life with the narcissist, but those are always times that are built on a falseness the narcissist has built to resemble reality.
Your reality is not their charm. It is in fact, a cycle of intense abuse.
#3 Getting caught up
You know that horrible, plastic fake web stuff they sell at Halloween? I put some up outside my house once and a bee got tangled up in it.
It was the worst thing to see them totally wrapped up, and I was helpless to save it. Never again.
That’s what I think of when I think about victims getting caught up with a narcissist.
There’s always somebody from the outside looking in and feeling that sense of sympathy, but it’s what you don’t see that results in you being caught up like that.
If you could, you wouldn’t end up in so much trouble, would you?
Once they’re gone, it’s as if somebody comes along and cuts you free, and you can see the web they pretended was a rose garden.
#4 Isolated from opinions that may support the truth
Friends and family? Forget it. If they’re not around ,they can’t offer their support, thoughts, or opinions. They can’t care about what happens if they aren’t there to witness it.
Therefore, the truth is always withheld, and it’s up to you to spot it. You can’t if you’re involved with a narcissist.
They won’t let you because they want to keep you close and infatuated instead.
So, you’re in a spot of bother, aren’t you? When the truth is prevented from reaching you, you will hold on and cherish the version you’re getting from the narcissist.
When they go, those people will trickle back. They will point to what happened and tell you exactly how it is.
#5 Denying the issue
When you think you love somebody, you will make all the excuses in the world to push away the fact that they’re abusive. You’ll deny all the ways they treat you, often explaining them away.
Oh, they just get tired easily.
Relationships are hard.
They always say sorry.
I know I can be a little high maintenance myself sometimes.
No, no and no. Stop it. Denying the issue means you’re denying yourself from opening your eyes to what this really is.
Abuse is not okay, and you can’t talk or excuse your way out of how somebody treats you.
You’re also giving the narcissist a free pass to treat you however they want to treat you!
#6 You don’t feel confident enough in your own opinions
When your confidence has been stripped from you, it’s no wonder you haven’t got the inclination to support your own opinions with it!
You will be worn to shreds by the narcissist, who purposely does it to weaken you and leave you relying fully on them.
This power, this drive to be so mean, the control it all gives them; it’s sick.
Like a weight that’s been lifted from your shoulders, the moment they leave feels like you’ve finally got a piece of yourself back.
It’s small, but over time, it will grow and that confidence will return.
#7 You think it’s normal
It doesn’t matter what we’re used to, whatever it is will feel normal because of its familiarity.
That doesn’t make it right. And during your time with the narcissist, you won’t know any different because your experience is totally normal to you.
Let’s get one thing clear. This is exactly what trauma bonds do to people. They normalize abuse and make it almost addictive.
That’s not what you signed up for, which is why after they’ve gone you start to open your eyes to the extent of the damage they caused.
I don’t promise it to be easy, but I do promise it to be the start of a huge healing process that only you can make.
But remember – the narcissist has to be gone before you can even take that first step!
