We hear the word healing, and we picture nice music, smiles, relief and the sense that our soul has been fixed from something or someone terrible.

There. You’re all better now. Congratulations.

Well… except it’s not like that at all, is it?

Healing takes time. It’s messy. It’s painful. It’s certainly not linear.

More importantly, it can be a really lonely place to be.

I know that may surprise some, but maybe there are also a number of you nodding furiously as you read this.

Here’s why it’s lonely, and how knowing can help you.

Healing is Never Straightforward

The promise of a deep and meaningful, straightforward healing process just isn’t come to fruition. 

You wake up and start your journey, and in around three weeks, you will be all better! Every day will see you getting stronger and happier until the trauma just disappears…

…Poof!

No healing journey is like this.

Especially when you are dealing with something as serious as trauma.

Being Patient With Yourself

Underestimating how difficult healing is, is to do your trauma a disservice in my eyes. Your trauma deserves more than that. 

It needs the days where you cry and feel completely alone. 

It needs those moments you have no idea what you will do.

Why?

Because healing aims to find yourself again.

You can’t do that until you admit you’re lost. 

7 Reasons Why You Feel Lonely During Trauma Healing 

1. Trauma is Personal

I think people mistake trauma so often. It’s an all-encapsulating word, isn’t it? It covers everything terrible that all of us in the world have been and gone through.

Yet, it really tells us nothing other than what that terrible experience was, was traumatic.

Trauma is personal. Even when you split it and split it to just narcissistic abuse, it’s still frightfully personal. Things like:

• Your circumstances
• Your jobs
• Where you live
• Your race
• Your religion
• Your gender
• Your family and friends circle
• Your childhood
• Your personality traits
• Your hobbies
• The way you react
• The way the narcissist reacts
• What is said and done
• Any serious assaults that may have happened 

It’s your experience, and it’s your trauma. Yes, you can compare certain aspects with others and relate somehow, but you can’t live it fully together.

I even know of people raised under the same roof as a narcissistic parent, and all had completely different experiences of that parent.

One was absolutely affected by it and suffers from anxiety like you wouldn’t believe. One sibling is just like the parent, and the middle child is indifferent and fairly distanced. 

No trauma is the same, and no way we heal from it is either. 

2. Belongingness

When we start healing, all we want to do is belong in that place where we have successfully done so. 

We want to arrive at the destination before boarding the train for our journey.

This isn’t about being impatient at all. It’s more, “I just want to feel as though I belong somewhere that isn’t where I’ve been.”

That thought alone can be a lonely place to reside because it’s impossible. You do have to go through all the processes before you get a chance to feel lighter and that you belong. 

3. Shame Leads to Isolation

Trauma happens to you, and that takes away the idea that you caused it.

Nobody goes out looking for terrible things to cross their paths. Nobody wants the memories of times that you’d rather forget. The memories that cause:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Sleepless nights
• Low self-worth
• No confidence
• Palpitations
• Loss of self
• Inability to make choices

It’s common to feel lonely through your own healing journey because you’ve placed a heap of shame onto yourself that needn’t be there.

The shame is not yours to carry, yet there you are, making sure the real person responsible doesn’t have to deal with it.

The time comes where you have to put that bag of burdens down, and realize that you were dealt a rough card.

That’s not your fault. It never was, and it never will be. 

Your trauma is yours to work on and heal from, but it is not because of you that it exists. 

4. Struggling For Direction

When you’re at a crossroads, sometimes you only want to know somebody is beside you, going through exactly what you’re going through simultaneously.

If that isn’t possible, you want someone who has done it before. 

Direction is hard when you’re healing because where do you go? What’s right? You feel like you no longer know the answers to those questions because you had so much of your thoughts and feelings stolen from you.

All you really need to know is that you don’t want what you’ve experienced anymore.

The trauma from knowing and being close with a narcissist is not what you ever want to have to be put through again, and that’s enough for now.

It’s enough to just know one thing today and have the next thing come to you tomorrow.

The struggle is wanting all the answers right now, and healing just isn’t possible right now. It takes time.

5. Not Wanting to Engage: Fear of Hurt

Getting back out there and creating any kind of relationship is going to be difficult after a personal trauma. 

Being hurt and put through so much by somebody you initially thought was kind will not allow you to see genuine kindness when it does come your way. 

So now you’re fearing.

You retreat, you fear somebody coming along and doing the same to you as what happened before. 

Retreating will only make you feel worse. The loneliness you feel when you pull away from opportunities to make friends or date in the future will reinforce your feelings that you aren’t worthy of love or friendship.

And healing will never happen when those thoughts are still alive. 

6. Boiling Down to Self-Esteem

You were made to feel worthless for a very long time.

As mentioned above, you cannot allow your low self-esteem to drive you into a new chapter when meeting new people. 

Low self-esteem will keep you feeling alone, and the cycle will remain alive.

You don’t think you’re good enough for that job. You don’t apply. You don’t apply, you don’t get the job. You then have to stay in a job you hate, making you feel even lower.

You see how easy it is to just fall into that?

7. Remember – You’re Grieving

Grief has no rules and no time limit. 

It is a part of life, and not all grieving refers to the death of somebody.

You can grieve if a relationship ends. 

You can grieve if you move far away and you miss your life back where you came from.

You can grieve if you lose a job you loved.

And yes – because grief is so personal, we feel so alone when we’re going through it.

The relationship you thought was perfect, turned out to be far from it. 

Trauma lives in all of that, and part of your trauma is the grief of something terrible happening to you. 

Moving on from that can feel lonely.

20 Things That Drive Narcissists Absolutely Nuts

We might all think Narcissists are the strong ones, the ones in control. But in reality, the Narcissist is busy maintaining his fake superior image.

They are fragile creatures inside, and they are afraid everyone will start to notice that.

The idea that they are exposed, being called out, or worse….being ignored drives them NUTS.

Here are 20 things that drive Narcissists Nuts.

#1 Being Called Out: 

Narcissists hate when their manipulative tactics or lies are challenged or exposed, as it clashes with the facade they present.

When you call out a narcissist on their manipulative tactics or lies, it strikes a nerve; they loathe having their carefully crafted facade disturbed.

This challenge to their perceived perfection and control can provoke anger or even rage. They’ll often react defensively, redirect blame, or play the victim.

It’s a desperate attempt to maintain their self-created illusion.

#2 Dealing with the Truth

They do not like dealing with the truth, especially when it challenges their false self-image or deceptive narratives.

Narcissists find it incredibly difficult to confront the truth, particularly if it shatters their falsely constructed self-image or undermines their deceitful narratives.

They can’t stand it when reality doesn’t align with their skewed perceptions.

#3 Fighting Back

It can be deeply unsettling when someone reacts firmly against their attempts to control, belittle, or undermine.

Just as they struggle with accepting the truth, narcissists also have a tough time when their attempts to control, belittle, or undermine are met with firm resistance.

It’s deeply unsettling for them when you stand your ground, refusing to be manipulated or put down. They’re used to being in control, and your defiance shakes their world, leaving them frustrated and, often, furious.

#4 Standing Up for Yourself

They are annoyed when others stand up for themselves, as it goes against their desire for dominance.

Pushing back against a narcissist’s dominance can throw them off balance, and they resent anyone brave enough to stand their ground.

Narcissists crave control, and when you assert yourself, you’re denying them that. They can’t stand it when their power is threatened like this.

#5 Ignoring and Blocking Them

Narcissists like to be the center of attention. Being ignored or blocked shakes their esteemed self-image.

While standing your ground can rattle them, denying them the spotlight by ignoring or blocking their efforts is another effective way to shake a narcissist’s self-image.

They crave attention, and they’re left unsettled when you don’t give it.

#6 Silence

Silent treatment can be very aggravating for a narcissist who thrives on the attention.

In the grand theater of human interaction, your silence can be the most disturbing noise for a narcissist. They thrive on attention, and your refusal to engage strips them of that spotlight. It’s their kryptonite, rendering them powerless.

Your silence doesn’t just annoy them, it shakes their self-esteem. So, when dealing with a narcissist, sometimes, silence is golden.

#7 Using Grey Rock Method

A technique involving minimal response to their behavior. They despise being completely deprived of emotional responses to feed on.

Just as your silence can be disarming, employing the Grey Rock Method—giving minimal response to a narcissist’s behavior—can be equally, if not more, infuriating for them.

They thrive on emotional reactions, and you’re robbing them of their power by denying them that.

You’re not feeding their need for drama.

You’re simply a grey rock: uninteresting, unresponsive, and utterly frustrating for them.

#8 Exposure of Who They Are

The fear of revealing their genuine, often insecure self beneath the superficial perfection can cause distress.

Narcissists dread exposing their true selves, hidden beneath layers of crafted perfection and grandiosity. They fear the unveiling of their genuine, often insecure self. This fear isn’t groundless.

It’s possible to be seen without the mask, the facade they’ve meticulously built. The thought of their imperfections being laid bare can distress them immensely. It’s a reality they can’t stand to face.

#9 Being Laughed At

It can trigger a sense of shame or humiliation, challenging their grandiose self-image.

Imagine the scene: you’re laughing at a narcissist, perhaps pointing out a small mistake they’ve made.

This can ignite a deep sense of shame or humiliation in them, directly challenging their inflated self-image. They’re not used to being the butt of a joke.

It’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s a direct hit to their ego and can make them livid.

#10 Knowledge Gap

It can be very irksome for them if they are out of the loop or others know something they don’t.

When you’re privy to information that a narcissist isn’t, it’s like a thorn in their side. They can’t stand being out of the loop. Knowledge gaps drive them crazy.

It’s not just about feeling left out, it’s about their need to be superior. If you know something they don’t, it challenges their self-perceived dominance, and that’s a bitter pill for them to swallow.

#11 Reputational Damage

Narcissists value their reputation and public image highly and any harm to it can drive them into a rage.

If there’s even a hint of damage to their meticulously crafted public image, it can send a narcissist spiraling into a fit of rage. They’ve spent years building and polishing their reputation, so any slight, real or perceived, feels like a personal affront.

They can’t tolerate being seen as anything less than perfect, so they’ll do anything to prevent their image from tarnishing.

#12 Losing Control

Any loss of control, especially over others’ lives, is deeply frustrating and threatening to them.

Just as a narcissist can’t stand the thought of a tarnished reputation, losing control, particularly over others’ lives, deeply unnerves them. You’ll find them scrambling to regain their power, their self-worth attached to the puppeteer’s strings.

They feel threatened and cornered. Any hint of independence from you is met with manipulation, tantrums, or cold dismissal. It’s their desperate bid to remain at the helm, in control.

#13 Denial

Saying “No” to a narcissist can spark extreme anger as they’re not used to being denied what they want.

Denying a narcissist something they want isn’t just a simple ‘no’ for them; it’s an insult to their entitlement, which often triggers an extreme reaction. This ‘no’ sparks an anger they can’t easily quell, because they’re unaccustomed to denial.

#14 Refusing to Play Along

Not feeding into their manipulation games can provoke their ire.

When you refuse to participate in a narcissist’s web of manipulation, their frustration often manifests as anger and hostility. They’re used to having control and playing mind games.

But standing your ground, not feeding into their tactics, truly irks them. It disrupts their power dynamics, forcing them to face an uncomfortable reality: they can’t always get their way.

#15 Losing

They have a deep need always to win. Losing, whether in work, social scenarios, or relationships, can frustrate them.

Narcissists are exceedingly competitive, and a loss in any area of life, whether professional or personal, can send them into frustration and resentment. They’re driven by a need always to win. When they don’t, it’s not just a setback, but a personal affront.

This extreme reaction to losing can lead to strained relationships and workplace conflicts as they struggle to regain control.

#16 Cutting Off Contact

Going ‘no contact’ deprives them of the control and attention they seek, driving them into a frenzy.

Have you ever considered what happens to a narcissist when you cut off all contact?

It drives them absolutely nuts. Narcissists thrive on control and attention; without it, they’re sent into a tailspin.

Going ‘no contact’ strips them of their power, leaving them scrambling for a way to regain it.

It’s a simple yet effective way to kick them off their self-built pedestal.

#17 Independent Thoughts and Opinions

Narcissists strongly dislike when others show autonomy, contradicting their views or decisions.

Exerting your independence and voicing your thoughts and opinions can truly rattle a narcissist’s cage. They can’t stand it when you show autonomy, contradicting their views or decisions. It’s like a direct blow to their inflated ego, leaving them feeling threatened.

#18 Seeing Others’ Success

Other people’s success, especially when surpassing their own, provokes envy and resentment.

When you shine brighter than them, particularly in areas they value, narcissists can’t help but feel a twinge of envy and resentment. Your success, especially if it surpasses their own, drives them up the wall.

It’s a blow to their inflated self-image, triggering feelings of inadequacy. They’re left grappling with bitterness, struggling to accept that someone else is outshining them.

#19 Displaying Empathy

They can’t understand or appreciate empathetic behavior, often viewing it as a weakness.

Just as your success irks them, showing empathy – a trait they can neither understand nor appreciate – is another thing that drives narcissists up the wall. They view it as a sign of weakness, not strength.

This inability to comprehend empathy often leads to frustration and confusion. So, when you’re kind and understanding, you’re not just being good. You’re also getting under a narcissist’s skin.

#20 Feeling Inferior

Anything that makes them feel less superior or important can spark intense negative reactions.

Narcissists often struggle intensely with feelings of inferiority, and anything that suggests they’re less superior or important can trigger extreme negative reactions. They’ll interpret this as a clear sign of disrespect if you slight or overlook them.

They can’t stand being outshone or feeling second best. Always needing to be the center of attention, they’ll overreact if they sense they’re not.