You’ve been subjected to narcissistic abuse, and you’re here. Your heart is beating, and you have every faith for the future.
In some ways, though, your experience of that abuse has left you with struggles that you keep hidden.
Struggles that not many people would understand because I don’t believe you can know what it’s like to be abused unless you’ve been there.
So, survivors carry a lot every single day, and here are the 7 most common struggles.
Surviving Everything
Let’s talk for a bit before we get to that list, because what you’ve been through must not be underestimated.
To have walked away from narcissistic abuse may not make you feel free yet, but it gives you the chance to be free in time.
And it can take time. As much as healing is packaged as an all inclusive weekend to Bali, it’s not.
It’s messy and hard, and triggering and exhausting, not to mention a place you can safely grow and find yourself.
Despite what you may feel leaving a narcissist, the power is now fully yours, and no thief of spirit and soul can change that again.
So praise yourself, and know that the seven things listed here are all opportunities to explore a new way of life for yourself.
#1 Not feeling good enough
The age-old feeling of survivors of narcissistic abuse. It’s common in all those who have spent time with a narcissist. All those times where you heard:
No, that’s not right.
Why can’t you be more like Tom or Stacey?
Why do you always burn the chicken?
Is that how you’re dressing for the party? Interesting…
You can’t be qualified for that job, surely.
You’re never going to make it.
You don’t have the patience to help me.
You can’t do this. It involves skill.
I’m sure you think your hair looks nice.
Each comment will have somehow chipped away at you. Bit by bit, and little by little.
Eventually you’re reshaped by the narcissist, and the person you once were, now looks totally different.
All the ways you don’t feel good enough reflect in everything you think, say, and do.
They reflect in the stories you tell yourself about what could happen if you took a risk.
They reflect in the way you look at yourself in the mirror. They reflect in the foods you eat.
They reflect in how you show up for yourself on the bad days.
You let opportunities to love, have a new hobby, restart a new one, make friends, try new experiences, face your fears disappear.
You think you’ll fail even before you try, and when life passes you by, you feel your failings be confirmed by inaction, or inability to try.
Your thought that you aren’t good enough is reinforced by your default move to self-sabotage. You see the vicious circle, and how much of a struggle that must be daily?
#2 Not finding joy in Holidays
Why would you, when every Holiday you had with the narcissist got ruined?
Yelling, fighting, silent treatment, last minute dramas, needing to work, purposely not packing until the last minute, accusing you of the weirdest things, picking your family apart before you visit them – count it all in.
These are toxic moves narcissists are known to make right before any special occasion because they know it will put you in a certain headspace.
You can’t even enjoy the milestones of the year without being reminded that you are under the control of a narcissist.
It’s no wonder you find them a struggle even when you aren’t together.
#3 Being triggered by good intentions
Being triggered by the good intentions of others means you’ve clearly been burned before.
Putting your trust into somebody only to have it ripped from you is not a positive way for you to view making new connections or relationships.
I’d hate to live in a world where I saw the kindness of somebody else as a hidden motive or agenda they had to somehow ruin my reputation or create fear within me.
Yet this is what narcissists do, and much of the time they give victims the idea that they don’t want to marry or be in a relationship again.
It’s a sad, empty way to live, but that’s what they do. Empty your spirit and leave you with nothing.
And the good people who come along are immediately, through no fault of your own, placed in the same category.
#4 Lack of friendships
Friendships are difficult to make and see as genuine after you;ve experienced narcissistic abuse.
You feel all used up and tarnished. You want to trust in people to be of good support and kindness to you, but instead you just can’t connect with them.
You were probably told by the narcissist to keep your private business private.
That in itself isn’t going to be easy when you make friends, after all, a lot of having friendship means opening up and sharing your memories or life with them.
You don’t have the confidence either. That’s a huge part of putting yourself out there and making new friends.
So you just sit back and let potential friends pass you by.
#5 Physical exhaustion after social interactions
It’s tiring having to put on a front and get out there, isn’t it? When you’re used to looking over your shoulder at that event, trying to gauge what mood the narcissist is in.
Whether or not you’ve stepped out of line. If you’ve somehow flirted with another person. If you’ve said something that causes suspicion on the narcissist.
Pretending.
And now you go, and you’re on full alert because you’re afraid of slipping up. All your energy goes into making sure you keep in line.
Socializing feels like a magnifying glass on you, and you simply don’t have the confidence or self-belief to carry it off without care.
#6 ‘It’s okay’ even when it’s not just to avoid conflict
Have you ever said that before?
You could be literally the most uncomfortable you’ve ever been. As long as you smile and pretend everything is fine, that’s all that matters.
I say no. I say that’s how you can really damage yourself. Saying you’re okay when you’re not is proof that you’re avoiding what’s really going on, and that you’re afraid to speak up and say what;s on your mind.
You can get really stuck in situations if you do that throughout your life, and it can cause all manner of struggles.
#7 Getting startled by sudden sounds or movements
When a noise comes out of nowhere and startles you, or when somebody moves a little too quickly and takes you by surprise – know that your responses say a lot.
Your past may have involved the physical reactions of your abuser. They attack you, hit you, or intimidate you by acting like they’re going to do it before stopping at the last second.
Maybe they made you jump knowing that it would make you step back suddenly.
What a way to weirdly assert their power over you, and then cruelly laugh as they see you respond naturally to their actions.
It’s a struggle to then go anywhere without giving those same reactions, isn’t it?
