It’s hard to get a narcissist to feel what you’re feeling, let alone understand what they did to you.
I’m sure you can relate to comparing it to talking to a brick wall, and never getting back what you deserve.
The way to do that, if you really want to, is to go about it in a way that you never have before.
All the while they want you to shout and scream and do all the usual to create more conflict, you do the exact opposite.
Here are 6 strategies to help you.
#1 Stay calm
This one is a must. You cannot enter a conversation with a narcissist on the reality that it will end how you want it to. This is not reality, it’s just what you hope for.
You’ve got all the words lined up in your head that you want to say, and usually it all comes spilling out quickly, firing at them.
They in turn get riled, and you want to be understood, so you raise your voice to justify and defend yourself.
That’s where mistakes happen. When you can’t stay calm, you can’t stay out of conflict.
I know it’s hard when you want to get your point across, but staying calm really helps.
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It can offer clarity to the mind, too, and that’s just not possible when you’ve got all these thoughts you want to tell them.
The best, and foundation strategy, is to stay calm. Use your voice to the best you are able to in order to prevent further upset.
Remember, the narcissist is looking for any excuse to blame you or raise their voice back at you in the hope you crack and break down.
#2 Make it factual
I cannot stress enough:
Sticking to the facts will show the narcissist they cannot escape what you’re talking about.
I even think it’s a good idea to reiterate what you’ve already said, especially when they don’t listen to you the first time.
I feel lately that whenever I try to talk to you about important things, that you change the subject.
The narcissist will resist this, but that where’s the following comes in handy:
Last Wednesday during dinner, I tried to talk to you about the wedding, and you started to talk about football. When you do that, it makes me feel like you don’t want to get married.
You can really zone in on the facts, and remind them of things they probably don’t want to be reminded of.
That doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to speak up, because you do.
And facts don’t lie. This is a far better strategy than:
You never listen to me! You obviously don’t care or want to get married and it hurts my feelings! You do it all the time!
This just ends up being a statement that starts the ball rolling to a place of communication that you don’t want to be near.
It’s accusational, and although you want to speak your mind, it’s all in using facts to convey specifically what is on your mind.
The narcissist then finds it very difficult to find a way out.
#3 Limit your explanations
The more you try to talk your way to innocence, the more the narcissist will lap up your desperation.
You want to please them and make everything okay, but you also want to try to justify why you’re speaking up about what they did to you.
You shouldn’t need to justify your feelings about their behavior.
Use this opportunity to be strategic in how you explain yourself. It doesn’t need to be complicated, it just needs to be direct, and in a way that will not give them the ammunition to be angry with you.
It’s a tough balance in that middle ground, but it’s possible to communicate from there if you need to.
#4 Avoid “You” and use “I”
When you use phrases that start with ‘you,’ you’re offering the narcissist ways to fight back and feel offended by your ‘accusations.’
You always make me feel like crap.
You never listen to me.
You don’t care how I feel.
In a world where we want to avoid pointing the finger of blame at them, try the following phrases instead:
I feel sad when I talk and you are preoccupied.
I want us to care about how the other person feels.
I long for moments I can talk to you and feel listened to.
Keep it about you, and in turn it will show the narcissist what you want, not what they’re not giving you.
This isn’t about pandering to them and their childish behaviors, it’s about thinking of ways where you can get far in conversations, before they get prematurely shut down by them refusing to listen or refusing to see what they did wrong.
#5 Stay consistent
Don’t sway from what point you want to get across, that’s the first and foremost piece of advice I have for you.
The second is to find strategies that work for you and keep to them.
Don’t jump from calm to chaos, and don’t think that reverting back to yelling or crying will help them understand you more.
Showing them your pain isn’t as conducive as talking about it. They can see it, but all seeing it will do is make them feel good about the hurt they put you through.
Don’t give them any more ammunition than they already have to break you further.
The consistency that you offer yourself is something the narcissist doesn’t have for you, and you have to remember that.
They keep you walking on eggshells, never knowing what to expect next.
If you were to overthrow that with your own form of consistent patterns, you’ll be gifting yourself with something very special indeed.
#6 Avoid power struggles
I will tell you now: the narcissist wants to win all of the time.
They want to come out of every argument and situation they’ve manipulated making sure they’re shining.
In your attempts to make them understand you, you may get the urge to be the one who wins, but remember; that’s not what this is about.
Power struggles are just a huge no-go for both narcissist and victim, and in your case, you’ll want to avoid wanting to be the only one who talks while they listen.
Let’s be honest, that’s not going to happen, is it?
Already, you’ll be looking at unrealistic expectations, so the best thing you can do is go in with the mind of balance. One person talks, the other listens. Then vice versa.
Let them have their moment where they say what they want to say.
They will also want to be heard, but then you pick out the gentle tone that refuses to rise to the bait, and you carry on doing what you do best.
It’s easy to get caught up with a narcissist, as all they seem to like doing is goading people into arguments that they then deny they even attempted.
Be better than them, and prove that you have what it takes to be heard in constructive ways.
