The first time you meet a narcissist will be the nicest and most charming they will ever be to you. From that day, the charm will stay the same until eventually, it wears off entirely.
They go from acting like the hot tap is on, to permanently living in a state of cold, and for you, that will be a total shock.
You thought the person you met was the person they are, but this was only the act the narcissist wanted you to see.
The reality? It looks more like these 6 ways the narcissist changes during your relationship.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
#1 They Alter Their Distance
Right at the beginning – day one of your relationship – the narcissist’s focus on you will have felt all-consuming, and definitely pretty constant.
I bet you could even describe it as: “It felt like I was the only person in the world.”
That’s understandable. This is what narcissists do to really hook you in, but long term, it simply cannot be sustainable.
Over time, their presence quietly slips away. For every minute they were present, it became an hour that they just didn’t care or even notice you.
The more you try to reach out to them, the more you’ll see that they don’t reciprocate.
I know, I really do. You went into this for that connection to be the backbone of your relationship, but it has instead transitioned into the very thing that has fractured, and that had nothing to do with you.
You work to try to bridge the gap that you’ve noticed, and that’s all you seem to be doing.
Your energy goes there, and it exhausts you because the narcissist is never wanting to make the effort to help you.
That’s because they’ve changed, and now you’re seeing who they really are.
#2 From Admiring You to Criticizing You
Do you remember the early days when everything about you fascinated the narcissist?
From the way you look to how you dress. How you carry yourself, and everything you’ve learned in life; it all seemed so attractive in their eyes.
When they told you that, their words made you feel seen, for the first time in forever. In fact, if you reflect on past relationships, you’d never experienced that before.
After a little while, you noticed the comments, and after a period of real subtleness, they came thick and fast. The narcissist speaks and watches for your reaction.
They see what choices you make in how you respond, and how you handle conflict. They’re learning everything about you, from your fears to your triggers, so it can all be used against you in the future.
There just seems to be a standard that you don’t meet with them, and you see it more and more every day.
You look ridiculous.
Pasta again?
Is this what you call work?
I don’t think you should apply for that promotion. It’s so above your skillset.
Have you always lived this messily?
It’s a lot, and you tolerate it because you think they’re just having a bad day, or are dealing with stress at work.
It’s neither.
They’re a narcissist.
#3 From Being Consistent to Being Confusing
I know you remember a time where they seemed to be so balanced and stable, but before long, that will shift and you’ll notice how they start to revert more and more to hot and cold.
They laugh one minute and yell the next, and that volatility is something you just didn’t see coming.
That’s because their charm worked so well in the beginning, and it really fooled you. Don’t mistake that for you being a fool, you’re not! They’ve just that convincing.
As you do what you can to keep the peace, they stir you up more and more with their confusing moods and behaviors.
Before you know it, how you feel depends on how they are acting toward you.
#4 Open Book to Closed Book
If it seemed like the narcissist was more vulnerable in the early days, it’s because they were performing for you.
It was designed to create a closeness that you would have thought felt quite rare, but genuine nonetheless.
Some victims describe it as feeling like they were let into emotional parts of the narcissist, where nobody had been before.
Over time, the conversations that ignited that feeling will appear less and less, until they fade away entirely. You want to discuss feelings or hold them accountable, and they don’t want to know.
You’ll see a version of them that denies, redirects, deflects and projects. Eventually, you give in because communicating with them is impossible.
#5 They Make the Effort Then Develop Their Entitlement
Of course anybody who is keen to impress is going to pretend to make all the plans in the world for you.
All the right words are spoken, like whispers of promise and potential. Gradually, it all disappears, and to fill the void comes an uncomfortable silent expectation, like you constantly owe them something.
It’s not as if your effort has changed, in fact you’re trying harder than ever before.
It’s just that what comes back gets smaller and smaller, until it’s nothing at all.
You didn’t anticipate it, and why would you? My goodness. These people are relentless in their quest to make you miserable, but also make you think you’re going crazy.
You swear they weren’t like this at the start, and they weren’t. Their aim was to make you fall in love with them, so you’d never leave. Then the abuse starts.
What really happened is that the abuse started from the moment you met them, because that’s when the manipulation started.
#6 They Idealize You Then Devalue You
One minute, you’re the best thing that ever happened to them. The next? You’re old news. You’re the person the narcissist rolls their eyes at. You are the one who always makes mistakes, and never leaves them alone. You’re needy, you’re clingy, you’re unlovable, you’re worthless.
How can the same person who idealized you so much suddenly turn on you and act like you’re dirt on their shoes?
That was always their plan. I hate to say it, but in reeling you in, they know they got you right away.
And that shift? It will have disorientated you. You went from feeling safe and valued, to never being enough.
You’ll carry that with you, too, you know. In everything you do, you’ll feel as though you never quite match up, and that will have been born from them and their impression on you.
To go from somebody who was once celebrated to a person the narcissist detests is a hard transition to make, especially when you didn’t consent to it.
If that weren’t cruel enough, you spend your days remembering the version of them they presented as when you met them.
You still believe they are that person deep inside, so you wait and wait for it to resurface.
This charm will never resurface, and even if it did briefly just to appease you, it’s not real. It never was.
