I know how it feels to ask a narcissist a perfectly normal question to a narcissist, only to get a reaction that leaves you wanting to scratch your head in confusion.
You want that straightforward answer, but we all know, nothing is straightforward when it comes to these people.
They won’t and can’t respond normally, instead you’ll get 6 certain ways they will respond.
It’s time to decode their crap!
You’d better get ready
Circling a narcissist with a pending question? I’ve got to ask you to prepare yourself for what you definitely won’t be expecting.
I know it’s likely that you will assume there will be an answer. You may even surprise yourself with a certain element of hope that you will get any sense from them.
You won’t. The reason you won’t – and I will ‘bottom line’ this for you:
They simply aren’t interested in anything you have to say.
Knowing this can save you a lot of pain and confusion when, yet again, they don’t meet your needs.
#1 Distracted by anything
And I mean absolutely anything. It might be a fly that’s entered the house they start to want to swat.
It could be the neighbor mowing his lawn. It might be a text or an email they pull up and act like it means much more to them than it really does.
If you’re reaching toward them for an answer to a question they don’t like the sound of, there won’t be a single distraction that’s off limits to them.
In other words; they’re looking for any reason or excuse to not engage with you. They don’t like what you’ve asked.
They hate that you’re asking them, or they don’t want to give you the answer because it makes them look bad.
#2 Half listening
Sorry, did you say something?
Actually, yes I did. It was a very simple, very normal question, and you were listening up to a point, and now I’ve lost you again.
Why? Because narcissists want to look like they care, but it’s too much of an act for them.
Instead, they love to cherry pick what you say, extracting certain words that might be of significance to them.
You could even be saying something really quite important, or expressing how you feel, and it won’t matter.
They will just treat your words like they’re some kind of annoyance to them.
There’s nothing that makes a person feel less unseen and unheard than being ignored.
#3 Not hearing what you’re actually asking
I lost track of how many times people have told me that they continue to run into the same problems with their narcissist over and over again.
The same issues rise up and fall down, never really getting resolved.
That’s because the narcissist hears your words, but is not listening to what you’re asking.
They get defensive – why should it always be them working to fix the relationship? Perhaps because they’re the ones who are always doing the wrong thing!
They won’t change, so not hearing what you are saying is pretty standard behavior for them, and a frustrating response to you wanting answers or some kind of way out of the issues you’re facing with them.
And yes, I’d liken that to talking to a brick wall. What’s the point in wanting to work on something if the other person is unwilling to admit they’re at fault?
#4 Zero interest
Who cares, I mean, the narcissist certainly doesn’t.
All they care about is themselves. Your words may be freely flowing out of your mouth innocently, but they don’t care what you have to say because you aren’t important enough.
These are narcissists all over. They act like you’re a pain in the ass just because you’ve got something productive to ask or say.
You’re bothering them, you’re making a noise. They don’t want to hear it.
Rarely will they say that though. They don’t want to give themselves a reason to be overtly blamed if they can help it.
Instead, you’ll get that blank face as they look right through you when you’re talking.
There’s no worse way to feel bad about yourself.
#5 If it’s aimed at them, they’re busy
Did you want the narcissist to do something, remember something, or admit to something? I hope you’re ready to climb that upwards hill because that’s the way it’s heading…
You will be surprised at exactly how busy they actually are when you request their attention even for a little time.
The reason?
You’ve got them somewhat cornered and they do not like it one bit. They will feel harassed and almost blamed and will act out in self-defence by snapping at you that they don’t have the time to listen to you.
In other words, you’re asking for too much. You aren’t by the way. They’re just emotionally stunted.
#6 If it seems accusational, they rage
Are you wagging your finger, by any chance? Probably not, but if you’re throwing out accusational vibes, your question will be chopped up and served cold by their rage.
And you don’t need me to tell you exactly how unpleasant their rage is.
- Shouting
- Intimidation
- Swearing
- Throwing objects
- Hitting you
- Silent treatment
- Talking bad about you
As far as narcissists are concerned, expect the unexpected. If they feel as though you’ve got too up in their face, they will twist and turn their rage to really feel like you’re being attacked for what you dare ask.
Treat this as a warning within a warning. Yes, you’re dealing with a narcissist, but also, they’re training you to not approach them if you have a problem or concern.
They hope that over time, you learn to keep quiet and not draw attention to their many faults, abandoning hope of solving those issues like a normal person.
Assume they don’t care, because they don’t
As bottom lines go, this one is a humdinger. Narcissists do not care, so it’s much easier on you to assume that already.
I know your questions may be the most innocent out there, with no malice intended, but the narcissist won’t see it that way.
In fact, they will view your words and even your approach as too much for them, and they will shut you down however they see fit.
Imagine this on a day to day basis, for weeks, months, even years. If you’re already there, you’ll know how soul destroying it can feel to be met with brick walls whenever you try to engage in conversation.
It feels like a total waste of time and on top of that, to feel so invisible is genuinely quite painful.
All narcissists operate in the same way, so if one doesn’t care, you should correctly assume that none of them care.
Knowing this makes it so much better in the long run, because then you have that power over these people.
You cannot be disappointed by a person who is unable to do something, this goes farther than simply being unwilling, although they are that, too.
It’s far less stress to find emotionally healthy people to spend your life with
