If you didn’t think narcissists were strange enough already this topic is really going to take the biscuit.
I’m here to confirm that yes, they are odd people. But deeper than that, they’re darker and twisted than you could ever have them pinned down for.
Imagine being with somebody who actively still tries to contact their ex or even exes?
Could life be the peaceful time you wanted it to be when your spouse constantly looks in their rear view mirror?
Why do they even do it?
Let’s dig it up.
Leaving the Past in the Past
It’s a nice thought, right? I know I like to live as mindfully as possible at any given time, but when it comes to exes – why?
Break ups happen for a reason, and going back to them or trying to contact them only creates an air of trouble around you.
It’s not normal. It’s not the same as the comfort of watching your favorite movie for the 164th time, but that comfort is what the narcissist craves when they contact their ex.
They don’t care about the past, they just want the feeling of being in control back.
Denial? Check!
I think personally, much of it is denial. As the narcissist denies a reality that they should instead be facing, they’re left with that old automatic assumption that they can just get or have what they want as soon as they click their fingers.
The world doesn’t work like that – and I know you know that.
Narcissists will never know that.
So yes, the denial is real. And they will laugh in your face if you ask them if it isn’t just a little bit sad to go running back to the past.
Boredom? You Betcha!
It’s crunch time – let’s get serious here for a minute.
Boredom hits us all at some point. I know if I am stuck indoors waiting for a parcel, I can find things to do, but I am trapped by time. I don’t know when I can get out of the house, or what time the delivery will happen.
It’s boring to me to wait in for that parcel to arrive, but I find things to do to pass time that are healthy, not harmful.
I don’t contact exes. Instead, I organize some paperwork, or I tidy the house, or I finally fix that leaky tap that’s been bugging us all for the past two months.
The difference between a person who has a healthy regulatory system, and a person who lacks any kind at all.
The Addictive Cycle? Sadly… Yes
Narcissists love and feel addicted to the cycle of abuse just as much as they get their victims to be and feel.
So while you’re feeling that pull and push over time become so familiar that your body learns to accept it and perceive everything else as dangerous, the narcissist is addicted to controlling it all.
You can’t have one without the other, and that’s why you see so many people stuck in these abusive patterns and relationships. Both need the other in order to survive.
The victim needs the hot and cold to feel worthy.
The narcissist needs the victim to be able to exert control.
It’s a sad fact, but when you become the ex of a narcissist, they’re still going to think they can control you by constantly trying to contact you and pull you back in.
This addictive cycle can be broken in time and with knowledge. What you once deemed threatening can be safe to you.
You just need to realize how much you’re worth that happiness.
Knowing When to Quit? Never!
They don’t have boundaries!
Narcissists believe they’re better than literally everybody, and everything. That includes boundaries.
If you think for one second they’re going to respect you when you tell them what your boundaries are, you’ve got another thing coming.
Yes, that can be problematic. The key is to stick to them anyway, and not give a flying eff what they think.
For those who don’t want to offend, or are keen on people-pleasing – of course you will lower your boundaries and answer that call or text.
But for the happiest of endings possible for you – I urge you to block and move on.
The Obsession Can Get Dangerous
It’s not uncommon for a victim of narcissistic abuse to have to get some kind of police order on their ex.
When a relationship ends and it isn’t something the narcissist wanted to do, prepare for a little bit of trouble in some ways.
They can show up at your door, wanting to talk to you. The calls or texts can be constant. They may even show up to your work wanting to see you on your lunch break.
They will recruit people you both know to check in with you, they can sometimes ask family or friends to talk to you and try to persuade you to meet with them and talk.
It can feel constant, and indeed, it does for a lot of unfortunate people.
That’s where you can feel trapped, and like you can’t even walk down the street without being bothered in some way.
The narcissist can’t let go. Their power and control is sleeping through their fingers, so they’re trying to overcompensate for that loss by gripping firmly to you.
Needing Supply
That’s what all this is about, isn’t it?
Supply.
Needing you. Knowing how much you offered them in terms of ego inflation and support over your time together.
They don’t have anybody else immediately lined up, and so to lose you feels suffocating for them.
Their struggle to breathe isn’t because they lack air, it’s because they see your supply as air.
The only thing you can do is continue to starve them.
Eventually, the starvation will be enough to be a huge problem for them, which is where you start to feel better!
And if you’re that ex, you should know where the past belongs, and not try to find the old feelings you had when you first met.
Those feelings were all based on lies and a charm that caught you off guard.
So let’s look a little deeper into you, the ex, shall we?
Thank God you managed to get away!
You: The Ex
Knowing you’re a thing of their past means they just don’t have that same hold over you.
It s a sign you need to remember why you ended it, or why the relationship itself ended.
Don’t use it as an opportunity to check in on them. If they’re evidently finding coping to be a challenge, that’s on them.
It’s not your problem. You are not their parent, you’re a person who wants a fresh start.
And if you’ve spent all that time with a narcissist, you’re definitely overdue that fresh start!
Now’s the time to remain the ex. Don’t get sucked in by their initiation of contact, no matter how intense it gets.
Just know that there is support out there for you, should you need it.
Block, delete, repeat.
