We all have our secrets; most of the time, they’re innocent.

Narcissists also have secrets.

They hide certain things from people like me, and people like you…

…For good reasons.

As soon as you think you have them all figured out, they ignore entirely your ideas about them.

The secrets narcissists protect will surprise you. I’ve got the top 6 right here.

Narcissists and Self-Preservation

Each and every narcissist has an agenda. They aim to manipulate who they need to, in order to control what they can.

They’re skilled this way, and will play with your emotions to fulfill their own needs. 

They adhere to a stringent set of rules they made for themselves to preserve themselves. These include ensuring you are always wrong and that they’re always right. 

The arrogance that circles the average narcissist always includes how they do everything for themselves, without worrying or even considering you or I.

Underneath the Surface: Protecting Everything

Self-preservation isn’t really the main focus here, though. I think you and I know that.

This isn’t about protecting their good image, and making sure they remain kind and helpful. It’s about fearing.

It’s about having secrets, so that they can get away with them.

Under that surface is a desperate need to protect everything about themselves. 

Secrets – Keep it All in!

Yes – it’s fair to say the narcissist has some truly meaty secrets. They will take secrets with them to their grave before revealing them to you (unless you find them out for yourself).

Even when you do find them out, they will deny!

So – keeping the secrets in is how they protect their image. It’s no more than that, I can assure you. 

By now, I think you might have a good idea about exactly what these secrets are going to be.

I don’t want to keep you in suspense any longer!

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Narcissist’s and Secrets: 6 You Can Bet They Will Protect!

…and I mean protect with their life!

#1 Where They Have Been

How often do you ask where the narcissist has been when they come rolling in the door three hours late?

Frequently, perhaps.

Okay, next question…

How often do they tell you the truth?

Well, that’s a tricky one to answer. Knowing the answer stems from knowing the truth each time they tell you.

Whatever secrets they have will be protected by excuses, making it hard to know if or when they’re speaking honestly.

Their secrets on where they’ve been will be hidden and protected. 

There was traffic.

Work ran late.

The meeting was pushed back.

I had trouble starting the car.

The train was delayed.

The excuses will be there, because the truth has a bubble of protection around it.

What is the truth?

Well, that’s for you to surmise.

#2 Who They’ve Been With

What’s it got to do with you?

Why are you checking up on who I’ve been with?

What are you suggesting?

Oh, here we go again!

I’m sure a lot of these comments are familiar with you if you’ve ever asked who they were with. And I understand.

You want to know because in the past, certain names have been omitted from their mouths when they tell you who was at that post-work drinks event.

Knowing who the narcissist was with, especially if they are being purposely cagey about it all, is important to you.

Track records of dishonesty and secrecy will lead to further paranoia. You know how that goes:

Why are you so paranoid about who I was with?

Why do you always have to know exactly who was there?

It’s thrown back in your face, like you are doing something wrong.

Just answer the question, be honest, stop protecting your secrets, and we won’t have a problem!

 #3 What They Do With Their Money

When it comes to money, it’s one rule for the narcissist, and another for you. 

You can’t spend that much on a new outfit. We have bills to pay!

How much money did you spend on gas this week? It seems like a lot to me.

And then enters the narcissist, complete with new outfit, new phone, new laptop – new whatever.

You know the new thing looks shiny and worth a pretty penny, so you ask them.

What I do with my hard earned money has nothing to do with you.

What’s it to you? It’s money money, I can do what I want.

Oh here we go, making me feel guilty. You know, I work hard and I deserve to treat myself.

You see the double standards? Underneath it all, the narcissist is spending a lot of money, but they aren’t going to tell you the amount!

#4 That They Still Talk to Their Ex

This one is a real killer, let me tell you. I hear it fairly frequently through the work I do that people suffer at the hands of their narcissistic partner due to finding out how much they still talk to their ex. 

Now – I understand that if a relationship ends amicably – you might bump into that person from time to time.

A little hello and hope you’re okay is pretty normal. Then you move on with your life.

Narcissists are very secretive about the depth of their communication, and they will always want to protect that.

Talking with their ex is something they feel automatically entitled to. They flirt, they chat, they may even exchange inappropriate messages.

The less others know about that, the better. This is why they will always protect that truth.

It’s called ‘having your cake, and eating it.’

#5 That They Don’t Love You

No narcissist knows how to love you—and that’s the one fact you need to learn from number 5!

It’s true, they can try to show you what they think love is by treating you to something, taking you out for dinner, or telling you they are the provider of the house.

None of that is love.

The secret to the way they love is if they produce something tangible, their love will feel tangible. 

That’s not how love works, though, is it?

They will never admit to not loving you because, as far as they are concerned, they try their best to show you. 

#6 Who They Really Are

One of the best-kept secrets of all time – who the narcissist really is!

No. They aren’t going to show you who they are. It’s taken years to build this image of themselves they want the world to see.

No narcissist will be silly enough to say, “You know what? Under all this is a really despicable person…”

Not a chance!

They protect their image with their life. The narcissist will replace reality with charm and captivating allure.

Eventually, though, that secret will appear in its own way.

Can a Narcissist Fall In Love?

Can a Narcissist fall in Love? Narcissists struggle to have romantic relationships for several reasons; one of them is because they do not know how to resolve conflicts.

It is normal for couples to have disagreements, but clinical worker Sharon Thomas states that narcissists believe they can do no wrong.

They are perfect, and if there are problems, the other person is to blame.

Unfortunately, narcissists cannot love their partner in the traditional sense; but as you will read, they do love their partners in their own way.

If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist for some time, you will know that at the beginning, they showered you with undivided attention, gifts, and compliments.

But as time went on, things drastically changed; they withdrew, and in some cases, narcissists can become abusive. 

Studies suggest that narcissists only engage in transactional relationships, which means unless they have something to gain, they won’t stay.

Whether it’s self-esteem, enthusiasm, or money, a narcissist will ensure they take everything they can and then move on to another relationship.

So whether you are falling in love with a narcissist, you are considering getting into a relationship with one, or you are concerned about the wellbeing of a friend or family member, you are interested in knowing the answer to the following question –

Can a Narcissist fall in love, and will a narcissist ever find true love? 

Will a Narcissist Ever Find True Love?

Can a narcissist feel love? Yes, they can, but because they don’t like feeling vulnerable, they self-sabotage to protect themselves.

The problem with narcissists is not that they don’t feel love. They don’t know how to show unconditional love.

When a narcissist decides to separate from their partner, they do so to recover from their wounds, and after a while, they return. 

A narcissist typically shows feelings of love at the beginning of a relationship when they are not so vulnerable.

This generally occurs during the love bomb stage (which I will discuss shortly).  During this phase, their partner usually idealizes them because they appear loving.

But once the cracks in the relationship start to show, the narcissist begins to feel inadequate and empty in the relationship.

These feelings become a boundary to developing a loving and intimate connection with their partner. 

How do Narcissistic Relationships differ from Normal Relationships?

Neuroscientist Rhonda Freeman studies narcissists and has come up with several conclusions regarding how a narcissist experiences love.

Narcissists are always chasing stimulation because their brains are hypersensitive to rewards.

The object of their desire activates their reward system and feel-good hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine are released in abundance. However, love is more than a feeling. 

When the average person stops to consider what love looks like, they will mention things like sensitivity, compassion, commitment, honesty, mutual support and authenticity.

Amongst others, these things are experienced when a bond has been established.

Freeman goes on to explain that once those initial feelings of infatuation wear off, the person in the relationship with the narcissist is now invested in the union and has formed an attachment. 

In a normal relationship, a deeper connection is formed between two people as it becomes apparent that their feelings are more than surface level.

However, the narcissist fails to attach at this stage and now starts blaming their partner for their boredom. 

In fear of their significant other discovering that they are not perfect, the narcissist will avoid emotional conversations.

They go to great lengths to protect their boasting, and it hurts them deeply when others don’t treat them as someone of significance.

Narcissists do not like to acknowledge their feelings; therefore, they protect themselves by finding ways to humiliate their partners. 

Can a Narcissist Fall in Love?

It appears that the narcissist is incapable of love because they cover their vulnerabilities by withholding emotional intimacy.

They attack or withdraw to deflect pain; narcissists don’t like to hear their partner being compassionate towards them because it makes them feel as if they are being judged.

Despite the mask they wear, their inner voice is constantly telling them they are unworthy, and when empathy is extended to them, it confirms this voice. 

What Does it Mean When a Narcissist Says I Love You?

If you are falling in love with a narcissist and asking yourself what does it mean when a narcissist says I love you?

The answer lies in their definition of love; a narcissist is capable of feeling love for you, but they are also capable of knowingly and intentionally causing you pain, and to those with a sound mind, this is not love. 

The Charming Narcissist

In the early stages of dating, narcissists shower their partners with an outpouring of love.

But according to Robert Johnson, this is a part of the transactional process. They are playing a game, and their main objection is to win.

The narcissists want the love and admiration of the person they are pursuing; and to do so, they use manipulation tactics that manifest in the form of promises of commitment, romance, flattery, generosity and expressions of love.

This process has been termed ‘love bombing’, and the prospect becomes overwhelmed with the level of attention they are receiving. 

It is uncommon to hear about the rewarding aspects of loving a narcissist; narcissists are often extremely charismatic and charming.

They have a magnetic pull that draws you to them and they can be incredibly seductive.

Narcissists are captivating and magnificent storytellers, they will weave in the history of events, mind-blowing statistics, and trivia quotes that have the listener sitting on the edge of their seats hanging on their every word.

When a narcissist decides that they want you, they will make you feel like the most precious person on earth.

Once you get trapped in their web of splendor, it is almost impossible not to fall in love with a narcissist.

People who have been in a relationship with a narcissist state that the highs are heavenly and the lows are hellish. 

How long do Narcissistic Relationships last?

In general, a relationship with a narcissist will not last longer than a few years.

Nevertheless, when they do decide to marry, it is because they have accepted the positive feelings they have developed towards their partner, even if they are based on shared interests and friendship.

But their romantic escapades will dwindle to nothing, and they will go to great lengths to avoid intimacy.

The narcissist will often become angry, critical, and cold; this is especially true when they are challenged or don’t get their way.

When they cater to their spouse’s needs, they are looking for something in return.

You will never make a narcissist happy unless you are willing to accept that they are right at all times. If not, they will quickly withdraw their love and you will become a victim of their rage. 

Understand the love the Narcissist is Capable to Give

When you stop trying to get the narcissist to love you through your lens; and understand that their perception of love will never be the same as yours, it will become much easier to have a relationship with a narcissist.

In response to the question, what does it mean when a narcissist says I love you?

In short, it means that you have effectively catered to their needs in a way that has brought them the utmost satisfaction. 

Are All Narcissists Abusive in a Relationship?

Narcissism is a term that has become synonymous with Narcissistic abuse; however, the condition is a lot more complex than implied by the prevailing image.

Contrary to popular belief, humans, in general, are narcissists because they think of themselves first.

Using the flight attendant example, when you board a plane, before take-off the flight attendant makes an announcement.

You are told to put your facemask on first before helping anyone else if the plane crashes. 

This is a natural state, as it is impossible to help anyone else when your needs are unmet.

Narcissism is closely linked with healthy self-regard and assertiveness.

However, when a person suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the individual’s ego becomes so inflated and their sense of entitlement so extreme that it negatively affects their daily life and the people they are surrounded by. 

Emotional Abuse

By definition, narcissists do not think about the needs of others and therefore, the potential for Narcissistic abuse is high.

They justify their behavior because they see themselves as superior beings.

It can be difficult to have a relationship with a narcissist because they do not consider the feelings of others; therefore, some might argue that this opens the door to emotional abuse. 

A narcissist’s behavior can decline into more obvious forms of abuse when certain risk factors are at play.

These include problems such as substance abuse and anger, which can erode the judgment and inhibitions that serve to regulate behavior.

Financial difficulties are an additional risk factor since the narcissist’s self-worth is derived from the false outward image, when their sense of self is threatened, it causes them to lash out. 

Therefore, it is more accurate not to label all narcissists as abusive, but to view their condition as existing on a spectrum.

They are extremely toxic at one end, and at the other, just overly self-absorbed. Although a narcissist’s selfishness has the potential to cause problems in a relationship, they are not always abusive. 

Can a Narcissist Learn to Love?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders documents that narcissists lack empathy, they are unwilling to identify or recognize the needs and feelings of others.

Studies conclude that structural abnormalities exist in the brain’s regions responsible for emotional empathy.

Therefore, their ability to express care and concern on an emotional level is significantly impaired.

On the other hand, they are capable of cognitive empathy, which is seeing things from someone else’s perspective.

But they are only motivated to do so if they will get something out of it. 

What is Love to the Narcissist?

If you want a narcissist to love you in the traditional sense, this is only possible if they acknowledge their condition and seek professional help. Some narcissists are willing to change, others are not.

With the help of a psychologist, narcissists can develop empathy and learn to know who they are on an emotional level.

The process involves learning to relinquish their addictive need to feel superior and accept support from others in a mutually emotional, caring, and fulfilling way. 

Can The Narcissist Change?

Can a Narcissist change their behavior? According to Psychologist Wendy Behary, three things are required for lasting and significant change to take place in the life of a narcissist:

1. Leverage: A narcissist must feel that they are in danger of losing something meaningful before they will decide to go into therapy. This is often the threat of losing their status, job, or partner. Once a narcissist is willing to expose their vulnerability, they are ready to change. 

1. A Good Therapist: When it comes to treating narcissism, a good therapist is difficult to find. For treatment to be effective, the therapist must be strong enough not to get drawn in by the narcissists charm, or the type of person who is easily triggered. They should be capable of setting boundaries and sticking to them.

1. A Therapeutic Approach: An example of a good therapeutic approach for narcissism is ‘schema therapy.’ The aim is to help narcissists to break free from harmful coping styles and self-defeating patterns that have developed from childhood so that they can reconnect with their core feelings. 

Essentially, to cure a narcissist, their brain needs rewiring; this is possible if they are willing to go through the process.

But it is only after a narcissist has been cured that they can learn to love their partner traditionally.

So, Can a Narcissist Fall in Love?

In response to the question, Can a narcissist fall in love, and will a narcissist ever find true love? The answer is yes; but as discussed, not in the traditional sense.

Despite some of the terrible things that narcissists say and do, they are human. They might hide their feelings, but they do have them and much of their behavior is often due to the traumatic pasts they have had.

If you are falling in love with a narcissist, the majority of people will tell you to run.

But if you feel strong enough to handle their split personality and their definition of real love, and you don’t feel as if you are being abused, you can make the relationship work. 

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