One day, you turn around, and for a brief second, you’re shocked to your core.
Did the narcissist just actually pay me a compliment?
Did they say something nice to me?
I can’t believe my luck!….
Look deeper. Narcissists are great at being passive-aggressive. What’s more ,their compliments aren’t the positive phrases you think they are.
Like usual, a part of them is in disguise. Let’s see what these phrases are, and what they really mean.
Ah, The Good Old ‘Compliment’
You’ve got to love them, haven’t you?
Let’s get one thing clear here. Narcissists hold back these kinds of comments when you’re doing something good for yourself, or if you have achieved a goal you’re feeling particularly proud of.
They see you smiling, almost beaming. And a tiny alarm goes on in their mind.
This person is happy. We can’t have that. You must hit the sabotage button and pull them back down to earth before they decide to be more successful than you.
The alarm triggers the narcissist to say something – anything – that will do this. And while they aren’t looking at you and telling you how terrible or useless you are, they’re doing it in a more backhanded manner.
Which, let’s be honest, is just as damaging.
Those phrases? Here we go.
“You’re so independent, almost too much”
Ouch. Okay, first of all, what exactly have you done here?
I’m not about to punish you by any means. I’m here to congratulate you. It sounds like a task you took on and totally smashed, even if you thought you couldn’t.
Digging deep like that can be tough, but when you see the results and push yourself to finally doing it, it’s a great feeling.
But wait… While you’re momentarily feeling great, the narcissist is thinking of all these ways to ruin it. How can they wipe that pride off your face as quickly as possible?
“You’re so independent. Almost too much.”
And there it is. First, the actual compliment, followed by the blatant worry that you’re beginning to act as if you don’t need the narcissist.
That’s going to startle them somewhat, and make your progression or achievement backtrack on itself slightly.
No! Of course I’m not. I love you and I love all the things you do for me. This was just me trying to do this by myself.
Yeah, and now this is you wishing you hadn’t, feeling bad for even trying it, and handing the power and control back to the narcissist all in one single moment.
“Wow, you actually did a great job”
Surprise surprise!
Like you doing a good job is a moment we all need to take to absorb because it’s just so rare (eyeroll).
There’s nothing rare about you doing a great job. You’re very capable, and you have been all this time.
The only crucial difference is the idea that you’ve somehow lost that due to the narcissist in your life taking over.
And I mean taking over everything.
They love to tell you to sit down, and that they will do it. They love to take away a moment for you to learn or grow, in favor of you becoming just that little more helpless – or worse – disbelieving in yourself.
“You look good for your age”
Hold on just a fraction of a second!
Did the narcissist just tel lyou that you looked good? Wow! That must mean you look amazing. What a lovely thing to-
Oh.
Hold on.
“For your age?”
What’s that supposed to mean?!
Exactly. The compliment came, and they just had to add on the age but, didn’t they?
Listen. I’ll tell you how it is to really help you, here.
Growing old is not a luxury everybody gets to afford. If you get to 30, 40, 50, or 60 plus – you’re lucky. You’re alive, you’re healthy, and you’re flourishing.
Who is it for the narcissist to come along and try to convince you that aging is a bad thing? Come on!
We all know comments like this are only designed for them to slide in a sneaky yet aggressive form of insult. This shouldn’t work for you.
Yeah. You’re 55, and you look amazing. So what?! Next!
“You’re so much smarter than others. Why do you waste time with them?”
So let me get this straight, the definition of a good person is how smart they are, not how nice they are?
Of course, coming from a narcissist, that’s such a classic line! That’s how they see people.
If you’re smart, you’re a person of good disposition, and positive to be around.
If you’re hanging out with people who may not have the qualifications you have, or may not be as clued up on a subject that you are yet are kind and fun – what of it?
Narcissists will try to do this to compliment you and make you feel like you shouldn’t be friends with who you choose.
What’s it to them? This is a ridiculous statement, and you should firmly put them in their place the next time they try it out with you.
“You’re so lucky to have me. Most people wouldn’t tolerate you”
This is just a downright lie, is it not?
Most people wouldn’t tolerate you?
What exactly is the narcissist trying to achieve here?
They’re trying to make you feel like total crap, and assume the world thinks you’re unlikeable.
I cannot stand the way narcissists do this. They’re confidence in themselves is so low, they cannot possibly understand where you get yours from.
And so – it must equally be eradicated from your system, too.
Talk about dragging you down and chipping away at your self-esteem!
I don’t think you need me to tell you that you are not lucky to have the narcissist in your life.
Even when they try to convince you that you are, you have to see beyond the lie to understand the truth.
This is nothing but a game of manipulation, and the more they tell these lies and tell you they’re real, the more you are going to believe them.
Don’t be brainwashed.
“You’re beautiful … when you try”
I’m at the point now where I just want to tell you to tell the narcissist to put a sock in it.
How dare anybody try to backhand a compliment so much that they have to also insult you?
If you don’t decide to put on make-up or get a blow-out on your hair one day because you’re too busy isn’ you trying, then what is life?!
We shouldn’t always be walking around like we are just fresh off a movie set, anyway! Again, the narcissist is projecting what they think should be the case.
And just because they aren’t comfortable going natural, or giving the salon the day off, that doesn’t mean you have to be the same.
You can think for yourself and prioritise your own needs without them stepping in and trying to correct you.
I bet the narcissist wishes they could be as beautiful as you are – from the inside out!
Let’s be honest – that will never happen.
