Underneath the twisted and manipulative words of a narcissist lies a fakeness that you dread.
When you want an apology, but all you feel is this insincere, heavy feeling in your chest.
It was supposed to mean something to them, they were supposed to be holding themselves accountable, and showing remorse. Instead, there’s nothing.
Suddenly, you feel worse than you did before their ridiculous attempt at saying sorry, and you walk away from the moment feeling as though it’s you who is the problem.
You’re not. You’ll just never receive a healthy apology from somebody who denies their imperfections.
Why is that? These 6 crazy ways narcissists apologize should help clarify your uncertainty.
#1 The Sorry Not Sorry Apology
Hold onto your hats, because this will be a phrase you’ve probably heard a hundred or more times…
I’m sorry you feel that way.
Aaand breathe. It’s there, and they said it, and it rolls off their tongue with such ease that you probably thought for years that it was an actual apology.
It’s not, and I’ll tell you why. There is a huge part missing, for a start. The part where the narcissist is supposed to acknowledge what they did to hurt your feelings.
You wait for them to hold that in their minds, and reflect on it within their words, but they don’t.
Instead, they curve the opportunity to make it seem as though you’ve got problematic feelings. It’s you who is causing this, and you’re making a big deal of nothing.
Except, it’s not nothing. It’s something that means a lot to you, and without that authentic apology, there’s little point in assuming they have a conscience.
A narcissist will never learn.
#2 Sorry But
There always has to be some kind of condition for narcissists, doesn’t there? They can never just say they’re sorry, and tell you honestly what their apology was for.
Instead of, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I really don’t like to see you hurt.
I promise I will work hard to be more aware next time, and more thoughtful,” you hear, “I’m sorry, but that’s what happens when you provoke me. You should know me by now. I have triggers.”
Ouch. In one breath, they’ve told you that you have to act a certain way in order for them not to react, when in fact, they will have done it on purpose to hurt you.
This kind of apology lets them right off the hook, and causes you to feel like you have to work on things in the relationship, while they get off scot-free.
I know how unfair this is, and how victims always tend to look for ways to smooth over moments where they get a “Sorry, but,” in their day. You know it isn’t a proper apology.
#3 The Gesture With No Actual Apology
Seeing as narcissists love the silent treatment, how about we discuss that for a bit?
With the lean into gestures, narcissists think they’re getting away with not apologizing, because they’re distracting you with something bright and shiny that you’ll accept instead.
That works differently for all victims, but it really depends on what you like. It might be a small gift that you’ve wanted for a long time, or taking you out to your favorite restaurant.
Maybe it looks more like intimacy or attention/affection that you’ve been starved of for months, even years.
There aren’t any words attached to this gesture, but you’re expected to read it like they’re sorry all the same. The key is, the wordless apology isn’t an apology.
It’s just a way to make you feel good for a little while, while they starve you of what you actually need – a profound apology.
It’s like closing a wound that needs cleaning – eventually there will be problems – but for now, the narcissist is happy to see you falling for their gesture.
They’re managing your emotions, rather than helping you regulate them with what’s right.
#4 The Apology With Every Loving Thing Possible Attached
Wait for it, because you’re about to get totally blown away by the love-bombing of a narcissist.
That’s right; they’ve hurt you, and you’re waiting for them to acknowledge that and make it right, but instead, they throw everything else at you to blindside you from what you’re asking for.
The grand gestures come! The over-the-top declarations of love. They plaster you all over their socials and put you on a pedestal.
They take you away for that expensive weekend with the demand that you don’t pay for a dime of it. They offer you all the flowers your house can contain.
They may even promise you to meet their parents, or move in together, insisting that they’re ready for the next step in your commitment as a couple together.
Beautiful! They’ve got what they want, which is you falling for every part of it while they refuse your apology.
And let’s be honest, those two words – I’m sorry – are so much easier! Surely, all they need to do is open their mouth, say sorry, and mean it.
This isn’t them crawling back to you, this is just a way for them to remind you that you will fall for anything they throw your way, and each time it happens is a reinforcement to them that they’re in control.
It’s also a reminder to you, if you look for it, that you are not in control.
#5 The Strawberry Apology
I think a strawberry is best used to describe an apology that has a severely short expiry date. You get some, and by the time you get home, they’re already rotting (what is that?!)
It’s exactly like a narcissist saying they’re sorry, and then within a few hours, they’re already at it again.
They continue their quest to hurt and cause pain, even as you’re recovering from a period of it not a blink of an eye ago.
If you dare mention it, you get, “I already said sorry,” and the day continues exactly how they want it to.
The apology they offered was only meant to end your discomfort, not actually be the catalyst for a change of behavior, and that’s the problem.
#6 The Happy Now? Apology
Alright fine, you want me to say sorry? Sorry! Happy now you’ve yet again got what you wanted? Is there anything more I can do for you?
Wait a minute. You’re the high maintenance one? You’re being mocked and criticized for asking for them to say they’re sorry because they messed up?
Sadly, it’s all too common for many people stuck in narcissistic relationships.
When they say sorry this way, they’re really showing you that they’ve done as they’ve ‘been told.’ It’s more about the dynamics, and proving to you that they can allow you to have some control when you want it.
We know this isn’t about control, it’s about what’s wrong and what’s right, but narcissists love to dodge those kinds of bullets in favor of always looking hard done by.
This is a perfect example of that, and exactly why they deem your request for them to apologize as majorly inconvenient for them.
