This is my circle.
Anything inside it is acceptable.
Anything outside it is a violation.
The rules are clear, right? So, normal people wouldn’t hesitate to stay where they should be.
Except…
Narcissists don’t care about your rules. And besides, any rules you do have don’t apply to them.
They’re way better than any silly boundary.
Well – great.
Any narcissist can easily violate your boundaries – and the top ones are right here.
Boundaries Are Important To You, Right?
Boundaries should be important to you. They matter, and they’re what keep those lines of acceptance around us.
The likes of you or I don’t expect anybody to violate them, because we wouldn’t the boundaries of others. It kind of works both ways, but I can tell you one person who won’t understand that.
The narcissist.
When you think about your values and morals, and what you believe to be good, not good, true or untrue – you start to build those boundaries.
Once built, you apply them to every single relationship you have. Those who love and respect you, will love and respect your boundaries.
But that only comes from accepting them in the first place.
This is where the narcissist can fall down with ease.
What is important to you, means nothing to them.
Because those things mean nothing, they will be violated in some way.
All the time.
Seeking Stronger Boundaries: It’s Possible!
It’s up to you to work through this list and decide what boundary violation does to a person. Those who continue time and time again to violate will keep doing so based on what you allow day after day.
Stronger boundaries are needed with narcissists, because they don’t know how to take no for an answer.
You can tell them you don’t like it when they raise their voice, so if they do, you will disengage from the conversation until they have calmed down.
That doesn’t mean they will do that.
Violated Boundaries: The 6 You Need to Know
So those 6 violated boundaries popular with narcissists are likely to be boundaries you’ve had in the past to no avail.
Maybe now is the time to strengthen them.
#1 “If You Start to Shout, I Will Stop Talking With You”
It’s a pretty straightforward boundary, isn’t it? Why should anybody continue to engage with somebody who is intent on shouting their way through everything?
It’s not fair to be expected to be that person who will tolerate bad moods and bad behavior. You’re within your rights to hold your hands up and say, actually no, that’s now what I’m going to do.
Now, the narcissist isn’t going to listen to you. They don’t care about whether or not you stop talking to them. In fact, they will goad you into shouting by attempting to trigger you or push you until you snap back.
It’s never your intention to break the promise you made to yourself, but they get you to that point.
Suddenly, and worst of all, the problem then becomes about you shouting. Everything else gets shelved, and the narcissist will look at you and say:
I thought you hated shouting, and here you are doing that very thing.
#2 “No”
It will take no rocket scientist to know that all narcissists walking this earth hate the word no.
NO is a shutdown. It is a complete sentence all by itself. It does not allow for any movement.
That is why all narcissists will refuse to listen to it. They believe they are above no. They think no doesn’t apply to them.
So when you try your best to put your values forward in the form of this boundary, expect it to be severely violated.
#3 “I Will Leave If You Keep Treating Me Like This”
Narcissists implore the cycle of abuse on all their victims for one good reason:
It works.
They know they can treat you disrespectfully just enough to make you feel you need them back, then they will breadcrumb their return.
In truth, people find it extremely difficult to leave a narcissistic relationship because they’re forever living in hope that the narcissist will change. They wait, they wish, and they live for those few good days.
The narcissist knows you aren’t going to leave, so their poor treatment of you is allowed to continue.
#4 “Don’t Go Through My Phone”
Phones are private. It’s not that you have anything to hide, but it’s your phone. It’s got everything you need on it, and some even use theirs for work or other important things.
Telling the narcissist that you don’t want them going through your phone is fair enough. They would hit the roof if you went through theirs, right?
Well, the narcissist isn’t going to really listen to you. They want to know your business because they feel they have the automatic right to it.
You are not allowed to have your own life or identity outside of their control. If they can keep tabs on you, they will.
And yes, this is a huge violation.
#5 “Don’t Take Things of Mine Without Asking”
What’s yours is mine, baby!
No. No it isn’t. Your stuff is yours, and my stuff is mine. If you want to borrow something, that’s cool. Ask first.
I understand that living together can make what you own a little of a gray area, and essentially I’m not talking about them using the things you share so obviously. I’m talking about using your favorite pen and running it out, or breaking the nib. Or perhaps the new book you got to read, and using it as a coaster, ruining the cover.
These are violations, and your boundaries were already clear not to do it.
Don’t expect them to be remotely sorry, either.
They won’t be.
#6 “Don’t Talk About Me With Others”
Surprisingly to the narcissist, people don’t like to be talked about. And by now, you know the narcissist well enough to know that they don’t talk positively about people to you, so why would it be any different if it were about you?
It’s hard. You want to be spoken about fondly, with casual light conversation. You want the narcissist to say:
They’re fine, thank you.
Oh yes, they’re pleased to have the weekend off and to relax.
Yes, they’re looking forward to going.
But … it’s not like that, is it?
You know it, and I know it.
The conversation gets deep. It gets heavy. You somehow get talked about in such detail to the narcissist’s circle of so-called friends that they know everything about you – even intimate details.
It’s not fair, right or nice.
But it’s what they do to violate your own personal boundaries, and it’s downright disrespectful.
