Covert narcissists, or as I like to call them, Soulsuckers, are out there. They’re in your workplace. They’re in your street. They’re in the store. You know them.
Really getting to know them involves being drawn into their games. Those games aren’t always going to be obvious – so it’s my job and duty to help you here.
It’s common to make mistakes when dealing with covert narcissists.
Those mistakes may end up costing you – so let’s take the time and discover them in the hope knowing them can save you.
Isn’t All Narcissism The Same?
If we’re getting technical, no.
Think of narcissism like a tree.
It’s tall and firmly rooted into the ground. But none of its branches are the same. Some are small and subtle, and others are large and obvious.
Some forms of narcissism are the same. You’ll get those who want to try and stay in the background and not be noticed. They’re almost sweet to look at or be around.
But they’re all capable of shedding leaves, and they’re all branches.
All narcissists are capable of ruining lives and abusing those they spend the most time with.
What is Covert Narcissism?
Covert narcissism I personally think is the most dangerous. Sometimes, it’s nice to see what you get, you know?
A more overt narcissist is going to be wildly grandiose. You’ll see them, you’ll hear them, you’ll experience the bragging. You’ll come to be familiar with phrases such as:
“You’re worthless!”
“Nobody likes you!”
“You wouldn’t last five minutes without me!”
I mean – these are bullies. But the one good thing they teach us is where we stand with them, right?
Sometimes I think it’s better to know where the land lies, rather than fall victim to covert narcissism.
So, with that in mind, what exactly is covert narcissism? Knowing them will help you realize those mistakes you make when you have to deal with them.
It’s Not Your Fault: It Happens
Covert narcissism is not your problem. What attracts them to you is your kindness and willingness to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Those aren’t weaknesses at all, but they’re attractive to people who plan and wish to let you down, hurt, or disappoint you.
You’re a kind soul who forgives.
Covert narcissism is incredibly difficult to spot, and is often glazed over by false friendliness.
Covert narcissists will do the work to become a significant part of your life before they present their trail of destruction.
Blaming yourself for not noticing them coming is pointless. I mean, you can’t change the past, right?
There’s no point in feeling bad about something you have no control over. Looking back at your first meeting might make you think, “If only I did this, or didn’t do that.”
What for? You’re punishing yourself.
It happens. But life is never about what happens to you, it’s what you do after that matters the most.
And this is now your time to heal.
Being Careful
The mistakes I am about to list are not only going to resonate with you if you know a covert narcissist, but they will also be your warning signs – or red flags – for the future.
Think of this topic as an investment into your wellbeing, and knowledge of covert narcissism in general.
6 Huge Mistakes People Make When Dealing With Covert Narcissists
1. It Takes You Too Long To Figure Them Out
Please listen closely. You can’t neglect the fact that covert narcissism is sometimes never spotted by some people.
A person can know somebody their whole lives and not realize these traits – and that says a lot about how clever and sky coverts are.
So let me continue by saying – if you spot a covert narcissist at all, I applaud you. You’ve already done better than others.
When you’re in the throes of narcissistic abuse and nothing feels right when you’re around that person – any time can feel like too long.
If we had a choice, we’d rather know the truth from the get go, but that’s not how life works.
Be grateful that you found out at all.
2. You Believe Them
All the good they talk, all the positivity they push in your face – you just think for a long time that this is their personality. They’re so genuine – and that’s different to the traditional charm you might find in overt narcissists.
They’re warm and loving and subtle yet somehow they get all up in your business.
Why?
Because they warm your heart up before stepping inside and claiming residence.
And according to them, if you have a problem with that – that’s on you.
Believing the covert narcissist to be the kind, compassionate person they pretend to be, ultimately end up feeling like an embarrassment when you discover the truth.
How could I have been so stupid?
What on earth was I thinking believing them to be a good person?
And how were you supposed to know?!
3. You Trust Them
Those with kind hearts and trust. It’s not your fault to give people the benefit of the doubt. It’s not a weakness to allow people the opportunity to be good people right back to you.
Covert narcissists want you to trust them so you keep sharing your darkest, deepest secrets. So you can be their ‘yes man.’
So they can manipulate you by getting you to do whatever they ask.
4. The Unnecessary Guilt
Feeling guilty around a covert narcissist is par for the course.
How they make you feel is all of the guilt, with none of the responsibility.
Think about the snide comments you’ve missed, or mistaken to be problems they have with you.
I’m just joking!
It was just a light-hearted comment.
Come on. You know I didn’t mean it.
Meanwhile – the passive-aggressiveness continues.
Why should you feel bad for that?
5. Letting Things Move Too Quickly
Getting washed away by the sea of oblivion is common – and you shouldn’t give yourself a hard time if this is where you end up.
Covert narcissists are very much the kind of people who will point to a beautiful sunset so that you avoid the incoming bear about to pounce on you.
You can get carried away when you meet someone you think is perfect, but their perfection hides a multitude of sins.
6. Not Understanding How They Differ From Overt Narcissists
I’m telling you now – you will be surprised how many people will say, “But they didn’t tick any of the narcissistic boxes I know about.”
No, they didn’t! They’re not going to if the sweetest, most sincere smile covers up all the games they play.
You see their shyness as endearing and don’t assume that can in any way be linked with narcissism…
…But it can.
Overt vs. covert narcissism is a minefield, but one I know you’re likely to be learning much more about, especially now.
