Covert narcissists, or as I like to call them, Soulsuckers, are out there. They’re in your workplace. They’re in your street. They’re in the store. You know them.

Really getting to know them involves being drawn into their games. Those games aren’t always going to be obvious – so it’s my job and duty to help you here.

It’s common to make mistakes when dealing with covert narcissists. 

Those mistakes may end up costing you – so let’s take the time and discover them in the hope knowing them can save you.

Isn’t All Narcissism The Same?

If we’re getting technical, no.

Think of narcissism like a tree.

It’s tall and firmly rooted into the ground. But none of its branches are the same. Some are small and subtle, and others are large and obvious. 

Some forms of narcissism are the same. You’ll get those who want to try and stay in the background and not be noticed. They’re almost sweet to look at or be around. 

But they’re all capable of shedding leaves, and they’re all branches.

All narcissists are capable of ruining lives and abusing those they spend the most time with. 

What is Covert Narcissism?

Covert narcissism I personally think is the most dangerous. Sometimes, it’s nice to see what you get, you know?

A more overt narcissist is going to be wildly grandiose. You’ll see them, you’ll hear them, you’ll experience the bragging. You’ll come to be familiar with phrases such as:

“You’re worthless!”

“Nobody likes you!”

“You wouldn’t last five minutes without me!”

I mean – these are bullies. But the one good thing they teach us is where we stand with them, right?

Sometimes I think it’s better to know where the land lies, rather than fall victim to covert narcissism.

So, with that in mind, what exactly is covert narcissism? Knowing them will help you realize those mistakes you make when you have to deal with them.

It’s Not Your Fault: It Happens

Covert narcissism is not your problem. What attracts them to you is your kindness and willingness to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Those aren’t weaknesses at all, but they’re attractive to people who plan and wish to let you down, hurt, or disappoint you.

You’re a kind soul who forgives.

Covert narcissism is incredibly difficult to spot, and is often glazed over by false friendliness. 

Covert narcissists will do the work to become a significant part of your life before they present their trail of destruction. 

Blaming yourself for not noticing them coming is pointless. I mean, you can’t change the past, right?

There’s no point in feeling bad about something you have no control over. Looking back at your first meeting might make you think, “If only I did this, or didn’t do that.”

What for? You’re punishing yourself.

It happens. But life is never about what happens to you, it’s what you do after that matters the most. 

And this is now your time to heal.

Being Careful

The mistakes I am about to list are not only going to resonate with you if you know a covert narcissist, but they will also be your warning signs – or red flags – for the future.

Think of this topic as an investment into your wellbeing, and knowledge of covert narcissism in general. 

6 Huge Mistakes People Make When Dealing With Covert Narcissists

1. It Takes You Too Long To Figure Them Out

Please listen closely. You can’t neglect the fact that covert narcissism is sometimes never spotted by some people.

A person can know somebody their whole lives and not realize these traits – and that says a lot about how clever and sky coverts are. 

So let me continue by saying – if you spot a covert narcissist at all, I applaud you. You’ve already done better than others.

When you’re in the throes of narcissistic abuse and nothing feels right when you’re around that person – any time can feel like too long.

If we had a choice, we’d rather know the truth from the get go, but that’s not how life works. 

Be grateful that you found out at all.

2. You Believe Them

All the good they talk, all the positivity they push in your face – you just think for a long time that this is their personality. They’re so genuine – and that’s different to the traditional charm you might find in overt narcissists. 

They’re warm and loving and subtle yet somehow they get all up in your business. 

Why?

Because they warm your heart up before stepping inside and claiming residence. 

And according to them, if you have a problem with that – that’s on you.

Believing the covert narcissist to be the kind, compassionate person they pretend to be, ultimately end up feeling like an embarrassment when you discover the truth.

How could I have been so stupid?

What on earth was I thinking believing them to be a good person?

And how were you supposed to know?!

3. You Trust Them

Those with kind hearts and trust. It’s not your fault to give people the benefit of the doubt. It’s not a weakness to allow people the opportunity to be good people right back to you. 

Covert narcissists want you to trust them so you keep sharing your darkest, deepest secrets. So you can be their ‘yes man.’ 

So they can manipulate you by getting you to do whatever they ask.

4. The Unnecessary Guilt

Feeling guilty around a covert narcissist is par for the course. 

How they make you feel is all of the guilt, with none of the responsibility.

Think about the snide comments you’ve missed, or mistaken to be problems they have with you. 

I’m just joking!

It was just a light-hearted comment.

Come on. You know I didn’t mean it.

Meanwhile – the passive-aggressiveness continues. 

Why should you feel bad for that?

5. Letting Things Move Too Quickly

Getting washed away by the sea of oblivion is common – and you shouldn’t give yourself a hard time if this is where you end up.

Covert narcissists are very much the kind of people who will point to a beautiful sunset so that you avoid the incoming bear about to pounce on you. 

You can get carried away when you meet someone you think is perfect, but their perfection hides a multitude of sins. 

6. Not Understanding How They Differ From Overt Narcissists

I’m telling you now – you will be surprised how many people will say, “But they didn’t tick any of the narcissistic boxes I know about.”

No, they didn’t! They’re not going to if the sweetest, most sincere smile covers up all the games they play.

You see their shyness as endearing and don’t assume that can in any way be linked with narcissism…

…But it can.

Overt vs. covert narcissism is a minefield, but one I know you’re likely to be learning much more about, especially now. 

You’re Shocked to See Where Narcissists Really End Up!

Narcissists just seem to annoyingly have it all, don’t they? 

You might think to yourself, “How do they get away with so much?”

Well, honestly, it’s because they’re experts at playing the game they wrote.

It can all change though, dear reader. And indeed – it does.

Where the narcissist ends up is going to shock you, and make you realize just how one moment can alter everything.

Narcissists: The Perfect Life

It’s the perfect painted picture, isn’t it? Narcissists want to be perfect, and they try very hard to ensure that image is kept up, no matter what.

They will make out like nothing is their fault. They want to be hard workers, so people know just how seriously they take their responsibilities.

They love to honor themselves by providing the best material goods you can think of. They want that nice car, big house, fancy clothes, and the latest phone.

On paper, they have it all. They project the perfect life to the world, so that world sees them as perfect. 

What Do You Think?

Of course, we know they aren’t perfect – far from it, in fact!

There’s a part of some people who are really familiar with narcissists who know the trajectory ahead.

Before I get to that point though, I want you to think of one narcissist that you know. They might be a family member, a friend, somebody you work with, or even your spouse. 

Once you have them locked firmly in your mind, I want you to think about how they are right now.

Are they more impossible than usual? Maybe they have a past of always getting what they want, and just being extremely lucky. 

They have good health. They have great contacts. They live in a nice house that you wish you owned. They don’t seem to rattle many cages, and they’re well respected both personally and professionally. 

It’s all unfair, isn’t it? Especially when you know who they really are.

Without You..

This is the worst part – the part you know and are familiar with…

…Narcissists are nothing without you. They build their entire egotistical empire on making you feel the worst you’ve ever felt, and that’s what causes them to exceed even their own expectations.

But as soon as you throw a spanner in the works – as soon as the dynamics shift in any way, the narcissist’s mask and character begin to crumble.

They realize they cannot function without knowing they can openly abuse you at any moment.

They want it to continue for as long as possible, but they know it can’t because you’ve gone, left, or figured out who they are.

You’ve discovered the truth. 

And That Is Why They Need You

They can’t play their game unless you sign up for it, and when you walk away, the game is officially over. 

You have to remember this, friends, because it’s what is going to get you through your worst days with the narcissist:

They truly need you more than you need them.

You’ve been programmed to believe you need them and cannot survive without them, but that simply isn’t the case. 

The reality is that they can only do what they do because they have an open door to it.

When you shut that door, everything changes.

The Downfall

The downfall is almost immediate but not necessarily obvious to all. 

You’ll notice a withdrawal. The narcissist is temporarily at a loss. Yes, they can move onto their next victim, but what if they have run out of people to manipulate? 

What if there is no charm left in their charm bucket?

It’s easy to notice narcissists look lost when they don’t know how to operate the people around them to their advantage. 

They’ve used up all their options, and now it’s time to watch the demise. 

…Even The Deterioration!

I have had conversations in the past with people I’ve met or know about their narcissistic parent. 

When they were younger, the parent thrived knowing they could power play their children and spouse.

Work was busy and they were always trying to produce ways to make everybody around them feel small.

As they aged, so did their character.

It became harder to manipulate children who were suddenly adults, with more power to hold a thought, opinion, or goal they wanted to achieve. 

They feel lost, and try to claw control wherever they can. Often that can look like lashing out, or trying to triangulate wherever possible.

They play on their age, with phrases like:

I used to be so much fitter than I am now.

I’m getting older. Nobody understands or sees me.

I’m poorly. Nobody helps me.

I wish I could turn the clock back.

It’s really as if they’re playing their own sad violin song, isn’t it? You almost want to roll your eyes because you know they’re playing on their age.

Aging is actually a privilege not everybody gets to experience, and that’s something worth remembering. 

The problem with narcissists is how they use their age like it’s some kind of mental incapacitation. 

They’re still very able to be narcissists. 

They just fool less people.

Going Nowhere: Fast

The narcissist is declining! 

It’s fast-moving – and I have to say that if you think it’s enjoyable – you wouldn’t be the first person with that opinion. 

Finally, the day comes when not everything goes their way. 

People get fed up with them blowing hot and cold.

There’s a shift in how they feel they deserve to be treated.

They understand the correlation between feeling negative and being around the narcissist.

They start to want to achieve goals for themselves and understand the narcissist is the one who holds them back.

Life starts wanting to be lived, and all the while those people are growing into theirs, the narcissists are shrinking.

Narcissistic abuse is only possible when you consciously or subconsciously give yourself up to the narcissist. 

If you start to put yourself first, the narcissist has no choice. 

And no – they don’t like it – but guess what…

…It’s not up to them.

There’s Never a Happy Ending

When it comes to narcissists, they never have a happy ending. They are infamous for becoming more and more impossible in older age.

Their stubbornness becomes almost petulant. 

They crave being able to control the people they once did.

Their grudges are bigger than ever. 

They understand that they are not the person they once were.

Narcissists end up miserable, sad and lonely. They always were, but these emotions become more prominent as they age. 

They never start caring, nor do they regret how they have acted.

It would be your mistake to assume they ever will, or do.

How Do Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners?

Narcissists are happiest when they have a partner they can twist, manipulate and control.

They love to be part of something where everybody else is smaller and less powerful than they are. Their lives then have meaning, just as they feel they should every day.

There are specific ways a narcissist will manipulate their partners, though. As troubling as it may sound, these are textbook ways – and that’s where you need to pay close attention.

If this sounds like your situation, that’s because it likely is.

“My Reality is Fact!”

The reality is that you’re being manipulated by someone who has had much practice. They’ve been exactly where they are now, except with different victims. 

“You’re Nothing!”

Being told how worthless you are does a few things.

For the narcissist, it brings them to a new level of control and manipulation. If you hear something enough times, you will start to believe it. 

You believe it even more when you’re treated that way alongside those words. 

It’s all a tactic, created to destroy your hopes and dreams, your identity, and how you carry yourself each day. 

Where you once stood tall, you now slouch and try to be invisible.

That’s exactly how the narcissist wants you. 

“It’s Your Fault, Not Mine!”

Narcissists project to get whatever they’ve done wrong out of the light. They don’t want their faults or inappropriate actions to be spotted, and so they throw you out there instead.

So everybody looks at you. The narcissist looks at you as if they feel let down by you. 

And you feel that shame, because you take it on. And you take it on because they’ve pushed it so far into you that you have no choice. 

This design is set up to get them off the hook.

Thank God you are there for them to treat you this way – without you – they just might look like the bad guy.

Phew for them!

“…”

That’s right, the good old silent treatment. The way narcissists do this is by completely shutting down and ignoring you. 

If you’ve experienced it, I don’t need to tell you how uncomfortable it is. It induces panic, fear and worry, and like all things narcissists do, it is unnecessary. 

The silent treatment acts to give you nothing at all, so it’s easy for the narcissist to say, “Well, I didn’t say anything horrible. I wasn’t mean,” Then make excuses for them being quiet. 

When you’ve been given the silent treatment, you are left to your own insecure devices.

What did I do wrong?

How can I fix this?

What can I do to make them happy?

I must be a terrible person.

What’s going to happen next?

Do you need this?

No.

Yet they make it so prevalent in your world. 

It isn’t fair. 

“I Must Cause Fallout”

 What is life without a little drama? Actually, it’s quite nice. But then again, I’m speaking as an emotionally healthy person, and not a narcissist. 

The idea that drama is of such greedy interest to the narcissist is one that never fails to shock me. Why would anybody want to be in the middle of so much negativity?

Narcissists do. As people and emotions explode around them, they can act and do what they like and not be seen to be doing anything wrong at all.

Be careful here – narcissists want to pull strings to see a certain dynamic. 

If you’re a part of that, you will suffer. 

“Poor Me…”

The victim mentality of a narcissist can stop the most believing people in their tracks.

It’s all been too much for me.

I try my best.

I don’t know what I do wrong to upset people. 

I wish people would understand me.

These phrases tug at the heartstrings of those who want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and sadly – yes – it works. 

Narcissists always want to look as though they’re being wronged.

This injects:

• Guilt
• Shame
• Self-blame
• Self-loathing
• Insecurity
• Worry
• Anxiety
• Depression

In their partners, and they know this. 

They just don’t care.  

“Bringing You Back, Get Ready!”

Let’s take you back to a time where we were so in love, and everything was perfect!

We are so great, you and me. It was us against the world!

Think about all that passion we had. You’re never going to be able to find that anywhere else.

Oh, the manipulation game is strong with these kinds of phrases. They love getting you at your most vulnerable, reflecting on the distorted nostalgia between you.

It’s enough to make you paint over all the cracks in between, isn’t it? And there were a lot of those. 

What’s manipulative about this is the narcissist’s attempt to invite you to ignore their abuse, and only focus on the good (which was likely to have felt magical!) 

Don’t get sucked into this black hole.

“I Will Tell Everybody!”

Uh-oh. What’s that supposed to mean?

I think you and I both know this is not going to end well with you,

Narcissists will tell whoever listens what a horrible person you are and how you wronged them. They may stretch as far as saying that you are the cheater, you hurt them, you spread lies about them and you’re the manipulative one. 

It’s frustrating for victims, but beyond that, it’s absolutely destructive. 

Suddenly, your reputation is in tatters. It’s all based on the false word of the narcissist, who, by the way, is likely loving seeing your house of bricks fall down while their house of cards remains. 

“Nice, But Not!”

You go out, they act like the perfect partner.

You get home, and they ignore you.

You did this wrong, you did that wrong, you didn’t pay them enough attention, you flirted with that person.

Whatever it is, the charm will switch off. The mask will inevitably slip.

This is where the narcissist has learned not just to manipulate you but also to manipulate everybody else, too. They all think, “What a nice person. They’re such a good couple.”

Also the best one, 

“You’re so lucky to have them as your partner!”

Oh boy, if only they knew the truth, right? 

The truth is, you aren’t lucky. The narcissist is just very clever. They know buttons to press, when to press them, who to press them with, and they are always ready for it. 

You on the other hand then find it even more difficult to convince people of the truth.