Oh dear. What happened? Does the narcissist want to sit down and talk about it? Do they need a cry? 

Let’s all collectively give them a moment.

Yeah right.

They don’t deserve any of our time, but it’s quite hilarious to watch them in their various stages of…

…Oh shit. What do I do now?

So, let me be the one to walk you through those stages.

With pleasure!

Mistakes? Say What?

Don’t even try to tell them that they’ve made a mistake, they will only deny it and blame you for being ridiculous or toxic (the irony!)

Instead, I always find it more fun to sit back and observe them. And for me, it goes in stages that are all worth watching. 

Once you learn the things they do when they make a mistake, you will pretty much have every narcissist covered from here on out. 

First Things First: Who Saw?

This first stage is usually a lot of fun.

The narcissist has made the mistake, and they will want to look around and make sure nobody saw.

But what if somebody saw?

What if they were spotted?

The paranoia kicks in. Their cover cannot be blown, so they need to spot the spotter before it’s too late.

Damage control.

But the problem the narcissist has is that it can often be too late, and that’s where the panic really starts to fire up. 

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Second: Can I Smooth It Over?

I don’t know, narcissist. Can you smooth it over?

I’ve no doubt you’ll give it your best shot. After all, smoothing things over and pretending your mistakes never happened are your forte, right?

Listen, if a narcissist can sweep their errors under a carpet, they will. If they can make excuses, they will.

If they can run away from it and have somebody else walk into it, they will.

Narcissists are sweet-talkers, and many of them could talk themselves out of impossible situations. 

Third Step: Who Can I Blame?

Right. It’s done, and the narcissist is really in trouble now. People are beginning to suspect them of foul play, so there’s only one way out of it alive…

…The narcissist has to blame somebody else. 

Could it be you? In truth, it’s likely to be. If you’re the person who has always taken their falls as hits, you’re going to be dealing with yet another one. 

Narcissists always need somebody who will declare their loyalty to them whenever they can. They want it all the time:

I will never turn my back on you. 

I will always defend you.

You have my word.

Happy days, eh?

Not so happy for  you, when everybody swarms you and not them. Suddenly you’re like a deer in headlights having to manage the fallout, while they’re running happily into the sunset. 

There will always be somebody to blame in a narcissist’s world, which is why they make sure they have so many people hanging around them.

Four: Back Away and Pretend I Had Nothing to Do With It

Oh yes, what a good one!

A narcissist is so good at building the bonfire, lighting the fuse, and watching the smoke turn to a spark, and a spark to a flame. 

They do it so subtly that you aren’t even aware anything’s going on at all.

Suddenly, you see flames, giant flames. Within a short space of time, the night sky is lit by yellow, orange and red flickers that are burning quickly and strongly. 

But where is the narcissist now?

They’re long gone!

As far as they’re concerned, you can eat their dust!

Five: If All Else Fails: Laugh and Shrug

When you’re caught, you’re caught. There’s little you can do about it if all eyes are on you, and sometimes a narcissist will get caught in a room full of people. 

When this happens, what choice do they have? They have to shrug and laugh it off.

They do this by acting as though it’s not a big deal, even though they will be panicking inside. 

What you have to consider is how much of a big deal they don’t want you to make over it all. If they’ve got no way of escaping, watch for the awkwardness.

Oh of course!

I have no idea why I did that!

I must have forgotten to have my coffee this morning!

I swear I didn’t even intend on causing this (cue nervous laugh).

The problem is – mistakes can be big. They can be brutal. They can even be hurtful. 

What does the narcissist do? They downplay them!

But hold on a minute! Does that seem fair when literally everything you do is picked apart by them?

Absolutely not!

Narcissists never forget your mistakes because they’re too busy wanting you to be constantly reminded of your imperfections. 

But this is proof their mistakes exist, too! (Much to their disgust).

“Trying Not to Hate Myself”

Any mistake made is a little reminder that anything less than getting it right all the time means room for a little self-hate to creep in. 

And it will, and does!

They try hard every day to make their hatred not appear to be too obvious, but it’s there. Mistakes highlight the concept that there’s no way out of some things. 

I do feel sorry for narcissists here, because they just cannot like anything about themselves that’s genuine.

I wonder sometimes what it’s like to live that kind of life, and how sad and lonely it must make them feel underneath it all.

I don’t feel sorry for them enough to want to like them, but I see it must be such a negative daily battle they have with themselves.

It’s why their victims are made to feel it, too. To the narcissist, it’s only fair. 

Size of The Mistake: “Do I Need to Move and Reinvent?”

Let’s get down to it, because size sometimes does matter.

It has been known (and I have known of some of them), for narcissists to up and move if their mistake was big enough. I am talking, ‘there’s no way back from any of this.’

Narcissists would rather start again somewhere brand new where nobody knows them, than stand up and face the consequences.

Can you believe that? They would rather end jobs, relationships and connections they’ve built to move to a new town or city, than do the right thing.

Reasons for this can be down to:

• Embarrassment 
• Knowing there’s no going back
• Wanting to build their reputation and image to a new audience
• Being unable to get past the idea that people no longer see them as perfect

Quite hilarious the lengths they’d go to, right?

How Do Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners?

Narcissists are happiest when they have a partner they can twist, manipulate and control.

They love to be part of something where everybody else is smaller and less powerful than they are. Their lives have meaning, just as they feel they should daily.

There are specific ways a narcissist will manipulate their partners, though. As troubling as it may sound, these are textbook ways – and that’s where you need to pay close attention.

If this sounds like your situation, that’s because it likely is.

“My Reality is Fact!”

The reality is that you’re being manipulated by someone who has had much practice. They’ve been exactly where they are now, except with different victims. 

“You’re Nothing!”

Being told how worthless you are does a few things.

For the narcissist, it brings them to a new level of control and manipulation. If you hear something enough times, you will start to believe it. 

You believe it even more when you’re treated that way alongside those words. 

It’s all a tactic, created to destroy your hopes and dreams, your identity, and how you carry yourself each day. 

Where you once stood tall, you now slouch and try to be invisible.

That’s exactly how the narcissist wants you. 

“It’s Your Fault, Not Mine!”

Narcissists project to get whatever they’ve done wrong out of the light. They don’t want their faults or inappropriate actions to be spotted, and so they throw you out there instead.

So everybody looks at you. The narcissist looks at you as if they feel let down by you. 

And you feel that shame, because you take it on. And you take it on because they’ve pushed it so far into you that you have no choice. 

This design is set up to get them off the hook.

Thank God you are there for them to treat you this way – without you – they just might look like the bad guy.

Phew for them!

“…”

That’s right, the good old silent treatment. The way narcissists do this is by completely shutting down and ignoring you. 

If you’ve experienced it, I don’t need to tell you how uncomfortable it is. It induces panic, fear and worry, and like all things narcissists do, it is unnecessary. 

The silent treatment acts to give you nothing at all, so it’s easy for the narcissist to say, “Well, I didn’t say anything horrible. I wasn’t mean,” Then make excuses for them being quiet. 

When you’ve been given the silent treatment, you are left to your own insecure devices.

What did I do wrong?

How can I fix this?

What can I do to make them happy?

I must be a terrible person.

What’s going to happen next?

Do you need this?

No.

Yet they make it so prevalent in your world. 

It isn’t fair. 

“I Must Cause Fallout”

 What is life without a little drama? Actually, it’s quite nice. But then again, I’m speaking as an emotionally healthy person, and not a narcissist. 

The idea that drama is of such greedy interest to the narcissist is one that never fails to shock me. Why would anybody want to be in the middle of so much negativity?

Narcissists do. As people and emotions explode around them, they can act and do what they like and not be seen to be doing anything wrong at all.

Be careful here – narcissists want to pull strings to see a certain dynamic. 

If you’re a part of that, you will suffer. 

“Poor Me…”

The victim mentality of a narcissist can stop the most believing people in their tracks.

It’s all been too much for me.

I try my best.

I don’t know what I do wrong to upset people. 

I wish people would understand me.

These phrases tug at the heartstrings of those who want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and sadly – yes – it works. 

Narcissists always want to look as though they’re being wronged.

This injects:

• Guilt
• Shame
• Self-blame
• Self-loathing
• Insecurity
• Worry
• Anxiety
• Depression

In their partners, and they know this. 

They just don’t care.  

“Bringing You Back, Get Ready!”

Let’s take you back to a time where we were so in love, and everything was perfect!

We are so great, you and me. It was us against the world!

Think about all that passion we had. You’re never going to be able to find that anywhere else.

Oh, the manipulation game is strong with these kinds of phrases. They love getting you at your most vulnerable, reflecting on the distorted nostalgia between you.

It’s enough to make you paint over all the cracks in between, isn’t it? And there were a lot of those. 

What’s manipulative about this is the narcissist’s attempt to invite you to ignore their abuse, and only focus on the good (which was likely to have felt magical!) 

Don’t get sucked into this black hole.

“I Will Tell Everybody!”

Uh-oh. What’s that supposed to mean?

I think you and I both know this is not going to end well with you,

Narcissists will tell whoever listens what a horrible person you are and how you wronged them. They may stretch as far as saying that you are the cheater, you hurt them, you spread lies about them and you’re the manipulative one. 

It’s frustrating for victims, but beyond that, it’s absolutely destructive. 

Suddenly, your reputation is in tatters. It’s all based on the false word of the narcissist, who, by the way, is likely loving seeing your house of bricks fall down while their house of cards remains. 

“Nice, But Not!”

You go out, they act like the perfect partner.

You get home, and they ignore you.

You did this wrong, you did that wrong, you didn’t pay them enough attention, you flirted with that person.

Whatever it is, the charm will switch off. The mask will inevitably slip.

This is where the narcissist has learned not just to manipulate you but also to manipulate everybody else, too. They all think, “What a nice person. They’re such a good couple.”

Also the best one, 

“You’re so lucky to have them as your partner!”

Oh boy, if only they knew the truth, right? 

The truth is, you aren’t lucky. The narcissist is just very clever. They know buttons to press, when to press them, who to press them with, and they are always ready for it. 

You on the other hand then find it even more difficult to convince people of the truth.

This is the sole reason why narcissists manipulate – to make you look like the crazy one eventually, and for them to be the victim.