One of the worst aspects of narcissistic abuse is discovering that you’ve lost your support system.
The people around you have gone, and not because they wanted to be, but because the narcissist made it so.
And now there you stand, alone and wondering where to turn when you feel at your most pained and saddened.
In truth, the narcissist is to blame for it all. The person you tried to protect and love. The person you saw your happy ending with.
Let’s look at 5 things they do to encourage that isolation.
#1 They criticize your family and friends
When you first meet a narcissist, they will spend that initial time working out the lay of the land.
This includes you, your friendship circles, and the dynamics of your family.
They will quickly spot who is the most authoritative, who has the most opinions, who is the least or most confident, and who is the smartest.
With this kind of information, the narcissist will begin to unpick who spells trouble. By trouble, I mean:
- Who is most likely to catch onto the narcissist’s tricks
- Who is the most impressionable
- Who you’re trust the most
- Who you get on with the most
- Who you do a lot for
This information is vital to the narcissist, who will begin to pick out those who they deem to be a risk.
Who will sway your thoughts, and who will convince you to eventually leave them?
Over time, you’ll start to see less of those people.
You do too much for them.
You’re too good for them.
They don’t even seem grateful for your friendship.
I don’t think you’re a nice person after you’ve spent time with them.
I had plans for us that night. Don’t let me down.
It’ll be subtle, and almost always in your favor, but the cutting comments will make you back away from all the people you love and have known to be a support to you.
The more the narcissist does this, the more you turn to them as your sole support.
I think it’s fair ti say that’s not a healthy way to live.
#2 They demand all your time and attention
If you’re seeing them, you’re not seeing anybody else. It goes without saying, but at the time of you saying yes and leaning into time with your narcissistic abuser, you aren’t being granted the same freedom with those who truly care about you.
As demanding as narcissists are, they’re also very good at pretending they aren’t. Spending time with them can appear so innocent.
Hey, that movie you wanted to see is finally on. I’ll treat you.
Do you fancy getting away for the weekend, just us?
Let’s join a class together, I think we would really enjoy doing something fun.
All sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? You’ll say yes because you love to please and make it seem like you’re trying and willing to connect.
The narcissist smiles. They know you had plans that weekend with your bestie, but their offer was purposely more attractive and lavish.
Being isolated and making it look like they’re doing you a favor is all kinds of toxic.
#3 They play the victim when you don’t make time for them
Imagine making so much time for somebody only to have them shoot you down and treat you terribly the one time you don’t make time for them.
You have a lot going on, and you try to make it fair, but when you start that extra class at the gym, in their eyes, enough is enough.
It’s an extra hour a week they don’t get to see you, and boy will they vocalise their disapproval.
Why would you sign up for it knowing it’s the night I get off work early every week?
“I really want to do this class. It’s good for my back.”
Why don’t you quit it and look on YouTube for a free video on how to look after your back? I could help you.
So you do. You quit. And yoy find a video. And the evening rolls around and you call for them to come join you.
And they roll their eyes and tell you they’re too tired.
Those are the kinds of people you’re dealing with here.
#4 They sabotage your plans with last minute drama
Hands up who can relate to this one? As painful as it is to have your plans sabotaged yet again by somebody unable to just be happy and excited, this is a pretty dark way to be isolated.
A client spoke to me once about this, and she said, “Alexander, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I should be looking forward to this vacation. I’ve waited so long to save up to go here. I’m not normal.”
I stopped her right there and asked her what it was she was dreading about it.
“Something’s going to go wrong, I just know it.”
At that point, she hadn’t been with her narcissistic ex husband for around two years.
It was her first major trip without him, and she couldn’t place her anticipatory anxiety anywhere.
This is what narcissists do. Even when they’re gone, survivors are left with this deep set programming that they learned from their toxic ex.
All those fights, the chaos, the sabotage, the jealousy, the anything to turn an event to absolutely dread.
So you don’t want to go to anything, and you miss out on so much fun and opportunity. You end up alone at home, watching life pass you by.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
#5 They take your finances away
What kind of person does this? Well, remember we’re talking about narcissists; the kinds of people who are capable of the darkest of acts.
As an adult, you should have access to your own finances in some way, shape or form.
It doesn’t matter what you earn, or if you agreed to raise the kids while your partner works- there should be money available for you to use.
If there isn’t, you’re waist deep in a heck of a problem.
Finances mean you are able to see what’s going in and out. You can make payments when you need to.
You can nip to the store when you’re running low on groceries. You can buy a new pair of sneakers because yours are falling apart.
You can get your medicine from the pharmacy when you’re unwell.
What happens when it’s all taken from you? You’re isolated. I don’t mean from people, but from life.
From your priorities. From the errands that hold the family above water. And when those errands aren’t fulfilled, the narcissist will directly blame you for not stepping up and making it happen.
I find it infuriating when survivors of narcissistic abuse say how they’re cut off financially, and have to ask for money in their own relationships for the most basic of items.
It shouldn’t be this way. Nobody should be controlling you at all, let alone to this kind of point.
If they are, you need to evaluate what you’re doing stuck in that situation.
