Narcissists are known for being overly emotional. It’s what they do best, but it isn’t in your best interests at all (nothing they do is).
If you’re feeling that burning rage of anger coming from your chest, it’s likely that you’ve been subjected to reactive abuse.
Let’s break down what that means together, and 5 things they do to trigger it.
I didn’t promise a fun ride…
#1 Push, Prod, Then Play Victim
They get you to that point, don’t they? Everything is great, you’re having a good day, and the narcissist comes along and pokes you until you snap.
Stop standing so close to me.
Why do you keep talking? I’m trying to watch TV.
Why is the dinner not made?
You seem annoyed, are you annoyed?
Don’t pretend you’re fine. I can see you aren’t.
No need to sound like that.
What’s with your tone?
Why don’t you just be honest with me?
Suddenly, it’s your turn. You want to tell them exactly what you think of them, and you know it’s not like you to go off and start yelling or reacting – but that’s how they get you.
And if you’re completely honest with yourself, it feels like a trap.
You know what? If it feels like one, it’s probably because it is one.
Then – the worst part of all – they get upset by your reaction.
Hey, look, I was just trying to talk to you.
I don’t want to feel like I can’t be honest with you.
Why are you yelling at me? It’s really upsetting.
You shouldn’t take things out on the people you say you love.
How does that seem fair?
I don’t know, because I can assure you, it isn’t.
#2 Twist Your Words Like Origami
Are you ready for some golden examples?!
You: “I need some space to think.”
Narcissist: “So now you’re abandoning me?”
You: “That hurt my feelings.”
Narcissist: “Oh, so now I’m the villain for telling the truth?”
You: “I don’t agree with that.”
Narcissist: “Wow, you never support me.”
You: “I just want to talk calmly.”
Narcissist: “You’re calling me aggressive now?”
You: “Can we work on our communication?”
Narcissist: “So I’m the only problem in this relationship?”
And what are all these comments achieving, do you think? Nothing. The relationship as far as you’re concerned needs to be clear, honest and open.
The narcissist, it seems, is hellbent on using every opportunity to push you to the brink – and where you ultimately react.
Tears.
Yelling.
Justification.
Apologies.
However you react is exactly what they’re looking for – because it is a reaction. They’ve got you where they want you, and now they get to revel in the flipping of the tables.
If this frequently happens to you – I urge you to go full Gray Rock wherever you can!
#3 Silent Treatment Olympics
It’s so quiet, and it’s unnerving. Nobody is talking, except you, trying to figure out the reason behind the silence.
You think about what you’ve done wrong, and how you got here. You work backward from this moment, unpicking where the day derailed.
The narcissist by now has a gold medal in silent treatment, and they know it always works with you. If they can do it for long enough without breaking, it will be you who breaks.
So they persist. They’re consistent, you have to give them that. I’d almost say predictable.
Yet you don’t see it, because all you’re focused on is wanting a happy house, and a positive atmosphere.
It doesn’t matter who caused it, you just want it all to be okay because you hate living under uncertainty, and walking on eggshells.
But by default – you do – and the narcissist knows it.
However you react, is a reaction. Whatever you give them in response to their silence is what they’re secretly wanting from you.
When you do that, you’re playing their game without even realizing there’s a game being played.
#4 Public Angel, Private Devil
If you have ever experienced the kindness of a narcissist followed by the wrath of their temper in private, I don’t have anything but my support to offer you.
It’s a challenge to jump from one emotion to a contrasting one sometimes within minutes of each other.
Narcissists are so good at seeing you into a certain emotional place. It’s nice there, and you feel at ease.
But you quickly learn this is a false illusion, and you end up right back where you started – feeling that fear and anxiety.
Never knowing where you stand will give way to an intense wave of desperation as the reactive abuse takes hold.
Then you react.
You cry, you ask questions, you even apologize (like it’s your fault?!)
The reactions become exactly what the narcissist was seeking from you in the first place, and they know they’ve got you where they want you.
You see, victims are easily led by narcissists and their emotions.
In ways that you may not fathom, the victim just wants to please their abuser. When that doesn’t work, it can seem so frustrating.
And so – the reactions begin.
#5 Gaslight ‘Til You Explode
Gaslighting is as obvious as it is unpleasant. When a victim starts to lean into acts of gaslighting, it’s something they simply cannot unsee ever again.
It’s as if the wool has been pulled over their eyes for their whole lives, and the moment they’re allowed the slightest peak, they see it all.
I am always pleased when people tell me they’ve not only learned what gaslighting is, but also how it presents. And trust me – boy can it present.
Yes – it looks like the narcissist is trying to show care or concern. They often gaslight to try to shut down any worries or fears you have that are justified. But what’s really going on, here?
The narcissist, in reality, is gaslighting you to:
- Shut you down. They don’t want you to have an opinion, especially one that goes against their own. So effectively, they want you to just stop talking and be agreeable.
- See your opinion as a threat to their own version of reality. To stop that in its tracks, they try to convince you to believe them, so they can continue to get away with what they’re doing.
- Control you. Gaslighting can be nothing more than a power play. The narcissist sees an opportunity to pull rank, and they do it by telling you that your reality is nothing but a dream.
- Make you think you’re going crazy. In doing this, you then rely on them more and more to support you. As you do so, you learn to trust them more and more, too. Which hey, works for the narcissist because you learn another way to not be able to live without them.
Every single way you respond to their gaslighting is a form of reactive abuse.
You are reacting to a lie being told to you. And you’re doing it in ways that only compliments the narcissist further.
As you do that, you isolate yourself from who you really are even more, too.
