In a world where you think you know what you want from a person you choose to be in a relationship with, I’m here to remind you that not all that glitters is gold.
The happy ending and garden of flowers that you want to walk through with the person you say you love won’t happen if they’re a narcissist.
I’m not here to shatter your dreams, I’m here to ask you to face reality with me and admit that you could do much better.
In fact, I want to give you a list of 5 things a narcissist really gives you in the hope they open up your eyes to what faces you in any narcissist relationship.
I know what you want…
You want quite rightly what every other person in the world wants when it comes to love.
And who wouldn’t? These are fundamental aspects of a relationship that differentiates them from normal friends or family that we have.
You want that blend of trust, safety, passion, loyalty and compassion. You want what makes a relationship worth investing in.
You don’t want to hear lies or arguments, and you certainly don’t have time for drama or any other forms of conflict.
You can’t imagine being with somebody who tears you down instead of builds you up.
You want to know that the person you’re spending all this time with feels exactly how you feel, and has the same values that you do, too.
That’s where we run into problems though. I can’t offer you the knowledge that narcissists will give you this when you meet them and build a relationship with one. I want to, but I’d be lying.
So, if they can’t give you those things, what do they give you instead?
In a nutshell, a whole lot of misery!
#1 They give you fake love
The love I talked about? There is a form of it that runs from the narcissist to you.
It’s the kind of love that disguises a whole bunch of cruel, calculating movies the narcissist makes, but you don’t see those because you’re often blindsided from what you see and experience on the surface.
Fake love is often handed over in terms of money, or gestures. It’s a night of passion, or a promise that you’ll get around to doing whatever it is you want to do another time. That will ultimately never come true.
It’s not the love you want, and it certainly isn’t the kind of love that lasts.
When you can see the long term effects of being given these things instead of authentic love, you will start to understand why you feel as lonely as you do in a relationship that’s meant to fulfill you.
It never will, because you’re asking a narcissist to fulfill you. They only know how to fulfill themselves.
The love they give is as fake as their claim that they can love at all.
That’s not to say you’re unlovable, it’s to remind you that you’re never going to be happy, no matter how hard you try to be.
Letting go of the fake love means you can start to set yourself up for the real thing at some point in the future. Doesn’t that sound like a lovely concept?
Only you can make it happen.
#2 They give you cognitive dissonance to break down your confidence
You always talk about being confident, but look how nervous you got during that meeting. Are you really as confident as you think?
You say you’re a hard worker, but you missed that deadline. Doesn’t seem like you take your work that seriously.
You’re usually really smart about things like this… I’m surprised you didn’t think this through better.
You’re just overreacting—everyone else thinks this is normal. You’re always so sensitive.
Look what I did there. Those are four examples of how a narcissist opens your world up to cognitive dissonance.
And you might not know it as that, but that’s exactly what it is. If you can imagine a time where you’re confident in the choices you make, then that’s the person you need to find in yourself again.
When a narcissist plants those seeds of doubt in you, what they’re really doing is slowly convincing you that you just aren’t capable of taking on those tasks, no matter how big or small they are.
On one hand, your identity is being reinforced, but that’s only because what happens next will create an even larger drop back down to a low sense of self-worth. It’s unimaginably cruel, yet so common.
#3 They break down your self esteem
You’re not as attractive as my ex, but you have a good heart.
At least you try, even if you’re not the best at it.
Wow, you actually did something right for once
We can all agree, these aren;t kind words, and these and more are used by the narcissist to drag your self-esteem down to the ground.
Anyone could have done that.
You only got that promotion because they felt sorry for you.
You think you’re special now?
It goes on and on. And it will never stop all the while you let them in and allow it to happen.
You want them to give you love, but they just end up giving you more than a hard time.
#4 They give you anxiety and depression
For those who suffer with their mental health, you will know exactly how crippling these conditions are.
Anxiety and depression will occur when you get tied up with any abuser. I mean, you’re living in a constant state of uncertainty and fear.
Where can a person’s soul go from there? There’s no security, no calm, no peace.
It’s just a world of misery and pain, and you become a shell of yourself, fighting every day just to keep your head about the surface.
It shouldn’t be that way, but this is what the narcissist intends on giving to all their victims.
#5 They waste your time and life
They sure as heck do! And that can invoke a lot of anger in victims as they realize they’ve lost it all and will never get it back.
The only thing I can say to you is what you have is now. It can’t matter about the past, because you can’t change it.
The only thing you have control of is the next step you take, and which direction that step will be in.
You can choose to keep still and punish yourself for falling for the narcissist’s tricks.
But you weren’t the only one. There were many before you, and there will continue to be many after you, too.
So what do you want to do?
Your life was made up of the narcissist’s rules and games, and because you have a good heart and hoped it was the happy ending for you, you let a lot of things go in the name of hope and what you thought was love.
It wasn’t.
Now you know that, you can work out where you go next, and how you heal along the way.
