5 Reasons Why Narcissists Need You More Then You Need Them

Let me preface this by agreeing with you on one thing:

Narcissists definitely give you the impression they don’t need you – or anybody else for that matter. 

Yes – they want to be seen as independent. They love to look like they have everything under control without so much as a breath of support from you.

Reality is about as contrasting as it can get.

Reality is that narcissists are more dependent on other people than you could ever imagine.

If you’re heavily involved with one, they need you more than you need them.

They know it, but I am about to let you in on the secrets, so you know it too.

They Pretend They Don’t But…

Narcissists are really good at pretending they don’t care if you’re around or not. If you were to ask one directly, “Do you need me?” – you’d be met with a scoff and a laugh.

Me? 

Need you? 

What have you been drinking? 

Are you serious? 

You aren’t that special!

They’ve perfected the art of the whole Me, Myself and I act. In fact, they will probably tell you that they invented it!

Let’s get down to the truth here:

They need you for so many reasons. 

You’ll never really understand why, because they’re never going to admit any of it. 

Needing You…

It can be strange to think that the narcissist needs you.

The person you suffer from every day in some way is the one who needs you.

The one who acts like they couldn’t care any less about you more than half the time – needs you.

Like I said, it isn’t supposed to make total sense to you at this stage, but scratching below the surface will reveal it all.

So, let’s get scratching!

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#1 Narcissists Need Your Supply

First and foremost – narcissists need the supply you give them.

Whether intentional or not, you give them exactly what they need to continue to be overinflated and infatuated with perfection. 

They want you to be at their beck and call. 

Your face dropping when they resume the silent treatment will make them feel important. 

The pain you feel when they reject you will make them feel empowered. 

The kindness and forgiveness you offer them in return for a peaceful life will create a neverending list of things they feel they can get away with doing. 

Everything you do to your own detriment, will be their supply. 

#2 Narcissists Need Your Loyalty

If you can show that you are loyal to anybody, that person will prove to those around them that they’re worthy of that loyalty. 

Think about it.

All the times you defend them, all the times you stand up and speak of your appreciation or love for them—you’re giving everybody a clear message.

You’re saying:

This person is kind and loving, and I am publicly expressing how much they mean to me.

It’s what the narcissist wants, because it seals the belief that they’re a good person. 

It’s why they are so intermittently nice to you. Those little surprise weekends away or wonderfully generous gestures – they’re not for you. 

They’re for you to stick around.

In turn – they’re actually for the narcissist. 

Do you see how every single thing they do ends up being just for them?

#3 Narcissists Need You To Dig Yourself a Hole

Think about this for a moment, because it’s quite something.

I want you to think about separating from a narcissist. You tell a few close friends what you went through, and they refuse to believe you.

Why?

Because they have seen all the times you’ve defended the narcissist in the past. You’ve always told everybody about how romantic they are, or how spoiled you were on your birthday.

Narcissists need you to say all of those things.

Why?

When you do part ways, you’ll have a hard time convincing people that you weren’t the problem.

How can they be like that? You always tell us how amazing they are!

It’s like a jigsaw puzzle put together to put you in the blame seat.

And the jigsaw puzzle was made entirely by the narcissist. 

#4 You’re Their Next Project!

I know it sounds really insensitive, but that’s exactly how the narcissist sees you.

Narcissists are in their prime when they successfully do something. They will meet you and see you as a project, not a person.

They want to conquer and control, and they will cause as much destruction as possible every single step of the way. 

Without you there, there would be no project. And yes, you’re just innocently meeting somebody who seemingly sweeps you off your feet, I get it.

You’re seeing the good in everything they’re offering you.

For them, all they see is another huge opportunity to suck the life and soul out of a good person and leave them feeling drained of all energy and hope. 

#5 They Want to Look Important Next To You

It’s ironic how a narcissist will tell you how much of a failure you are yet refuse to let you grow and succeed while with them.

I try to show as many people this aspect of narcissistic abuse as possible because it’s completely lost on so many victims.

They feel like nothing they do is good enough while simultaneously being suppressed.

Stay at home and look after the house while I go to work.

You don’t need to finish your degree. I earn more than enough for both of us.

I don’t want you working. I want you to focus on making the house a real home. 

And then what?

You just sit around all day!

I earn the money, I am the one with the say on how it’s spent!

Without you, the narcissist would be unable to assert themselves in such insidious ways. They cannot have their power trip without you supplying the electric charge.

They want to look important. If you are more successful than them, the dynamics aren’t going to work at all. 

Knowing What You’re In For…

I know it’s unlikely to help you when you’re stuck in it, but if you can start to see yourself as the unproblematic person in this equation – you’ll be fine. 

Every narcissist has a plan, and all the plans run along the same path. 

Needing you has nothing to do with actively wanting or loving you. 

It’s not what anybody who is in love with a narcissist wants to hear, but it’s how you start to pull away and heal.

How Do Narcissists Manipulate Their Partners?

Narcissists are happiest when they have a partner they can twist, manipulate and control.

They love to be part of something where everybody else is smaller and less powerful than they are. Their lives have meaning, just as they feel they should daily.

There are specific ways a narcissist will manipulate their partners, though. As troubling as it may sound, these are textbook ways – and that’s where you need to pay close attention.

If this sounds like your situation, that’s because it likely is.

“My Reality is Fact!”

The reality is that you’re being manipulated by someone who has had much practice. They’ve been exactly where they are now, except with different victims. 

“You’re Nothing!”

Being told how worthless you are does a few things.

For the narcissist, it brings them to a new level of control and manipulation. If you hear something enough times, you will start to believe it. 

You believe it even more when you’re treated that way alongside those words. 

It’s all a tactic, created to destroy your hopes and dreams, your identity, and how you carry yourself each day. 

Where you once stood tall, you now slouch and try to be invisible.

That’s exactly how the narcissist wants you. 

“It’s Your Fault, Not Mine!”

Narcissists project to get whatever they’ve done wrong out of the light. They don’t want their faults or inappropriate actions to be spotted, and so they throw you out there instead.

So everybody looks at you. The narcissist looks at you as if they feel let down by you. 

And you feel that shame, because you take it on. And you take it on because they’ve pushed it so far into you that you have no choice. 

This design is set up to get them off the hook.

Thank God you are there for them to treat you this way – without you – they just might look like the bad guy.

Phew for them!

“…”

That’s right, the good old silent treatment. The way narcissists do this is by completely shutting down and ignoring you. 

If you’ve experienced it, I don’t need to tell you how uncomfortable it is. It induces panic, fear and worry, and like all things narcissists do, it is unnecessary. 

The silent treatment acts to give you nothing at all, so it’s easy for the narcissist to say, “Well, I didn’t say anything horrible. I wasn’t mean,” Then make excuses for them being quiet. 

When you’ve been given the silent treatment, you are left to your own insecure devices.

What did I do wrong?

How can I fix this?

What can I do to make them happy?

I must be a terrible person.

What’s going to happen next?

Do you need this?

No.

Yet they make it so prevalent in your world. 

It isn’t fair. 

“I Must Cause Fallout”

 What is life without a little drama? Actually, it’s quite nice. But then again, I’m speaking as an emotionally healthy person, and not a narcissist. 

The idea that drama is of such greedy interest to the narcissist is one that never fails to shock me. Why would anybody want to be in the middle of so much negativity?

Narcissists do. As people and emotions explode around them, they can act and do what they like and not be seen to be doing anything wrong at all.

Be careful here – narcissists want to pull strings to see a certain dynamic. 

If you’re a part of that, you will suffer. 

“Poor Me…”

The victim mentality of a narcissist can stop the most believing people in their tracks.

It’s all been too much for me.

I try my best.

I don’t know what I do wrong to upset people. 

I wish people would understand me.

These phrases tug at the heartstrings of those who want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and sadly – yes – it works. 

Narcissists always want to look as though they’re being wronged.

This injects:

• Guilt
• Shame
• Self-blame
• Self-loathing
• Insecurity
• Worry
• Anxiety
• Depression

In their partners, and they know this. 

They just don’t care.  

“Bringing You Back, Get Ready!”

Let’s take you back to a time where we were so in love, and everything was perfect!

We are so great, you and me. It was us against the world!

Think about all that passion we had. You’re never going to be able to find that anywhere else.

Oh, the manipulation game is strong with these kinds of phrases. They love getting you at your most vulnerable, reflecting on the distorted nostalgia between you.

It’s enough to make you paint over all the cracks in between, isn’t it? And there were a lot of those. 

What’s manipulative about this is the narcissist’s attempt to invite you to ignore their abuse, and only focus on the good (which was likely to have felt magical!) 

Don’t get sucked into this black hole.

“I Will Tell Everybody!”

Uh-oh. What’s that supposed to mean?

I think you and I both know this is not going to end well with you,

Narcissists will tell whoever listens what a horrible person you are and how you wronged them. They may stretch as far as saying that you are the cheater, you hurt them, you spread lies about them and you’re the manipulative one. 

It’s frustrating for victims, but beyond that, it’s absolutely destructive. 

Suddenly, your reputation is in tatters. It’s all based on the false word of the narcissist, who, by the way, is likely loving seeing your house of bricks fall down while their house of cards remains. 

“Nice, But Not!”

You go out, they act like the perfect partner.

You get home, and they ignore you.

You did this wrong, you did that wrong, you didn’t pay them enough attention, you flirted with that person.

Whatever it is, the charm will switch off. The mask will inevitably slip.

This is where the narcissist has learned not just to manipulate you but also to manipulate everybody else, too. They all think, “What a nice person. They’re such a good couple.”

Also the best one, 

“You’re so lucky to have them as your partner!”

Oh boy, if only they knew the truth, right? 

The truth is, you aren’t lucky. The narcissist is just very clever. They know buttons to press, when to press them, who to press them with, and they are always ready for it. 

You on the other hand then find it even more difficult to convince people of the truth.

This is the sole reason why narcissists manipulate – to make you look like the crazy one eventually, and for them to be the victim.